Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE "A Sexpert's Advice" for tired/busy parents

Ok, CeMar, not gonna argue w/ you

Ok, I've got to come back to this. CeMar, have you taken a look at my thread lately and what I've been up to w/ H? What you're saying in essence is that I was some HD in hiding or something then. Or was I LD before and now all of a sudden HD and a MJ wanna-be? I don't understand that either then. Wanting to save my M and starting to have S w/ H all the time to please him is one thing, however, how do you explain me wanting it all the time now too? How do you explain me being able to actually have "virtual sex" over the webcam when there is NO WAY I probably could have done this a few years ago.

I guess I just don't agree w/ your HD/LD stereotypes and that you are either one or the other.

Cadesmom34:

What is happening is exactly what I would expect to happen. You are having more sex. Since women respond the OPPOSITE of men in terms of desire, the more sex you have will actually cause your sexual desire to go UP. If you read up on therapies from Dr. Smalley, to Dr. Laura, to the Bermann Sisters, you will see that the FIRST thing they want to address is the chemicals in the woman. Dr. Smalley and Dr. Laura do this by having the women have LOTS of sex, everyday for weeks. THe Bermann Sisters start by having ALL their female clients start daily workout routines. Why are they all doing this, to produce as much testsoterone in the woman as possible to help her address the problem. What LD women don't seem to understand is that lack of desire is often CAUSED by lack of sex (but not always). I think that you are finding this out, that your sex drive is increasing as the amount of sex increases.

Cemar - what are you going to do when your W starts growing a beard because of all that testosterone?

hee hee

Okay, kids, CeMar grumbles a lot, and I get tired of it, too, but he does have a valid point. CeMar is just having a tough time getting his wife to find her 'desire,' beyond just mutual masturbation. And having been in that position before myself, it really is very unsatisfying, even if you DO have an orgasm.

In his own way, Cades, CeMar is encouraging you to continue your exploration, to push yourself, and to continue having sex. I found, at least with my bf, that the more sex I have with him, the more sex I want... because we are having really good sex. If they sex were... eh... then, I probably wouldn't want to have as much sex.

But when the sex HAS BEEN... eh... and both people decide to really work at having better sex... the only way to do that... is to have sex.

I've given CeMar a solid plan to grab his wife's attention. I think he thinks I am pulling his chain..., as he won't respond to me, I don't know. If he were to ask me questions about it, I'd be happy to elaborate. He hasn't. So I am waiting. If he doesn't want to do it, no skin off my nose.

But back to the point. CeMar HAS read quite a few books, he's done his research. I hope he reads the book Mrs. NOP recommended.

Corri

I'm all for CeMar's wife "getting it!!" I truly hope she does one day. I just like giving him crap b/c he can be so argumentative.

I actually appreciate your encouragement, CeMar, and I think you are right -- the more you do it, the more you want it. Unfortunately, now I'm at the place where I'm not getting it w/ H gone, so I'm having to dig really, really deep w/in myself to try other things that are so out of character for me.

I still don't think that the LD/HD stereotype is quite so black & white, that's all.

Mrs. CAC4,

I found this very interesting. Especially in the fact of how succinctly she put it: "No tired woman in an established relationship with kids is going to pick sex over sleep."
I don't even have kids and the same is STILL generally true for me (although not absolutely).

As Cadesmom34 mentioned the whole discussion of LD and HD can be a bit simplified at times. Especially for someone like me who feels OVERALL neither LD or HD. Plus are you LD if you want sex 3X per week but your spouse wants it every day but on the other hand are you HD if your spouse happens to want sex once a week? Or is it based upon a set number of times per week or month? Or is it based on how much you "enjoy or desire" sex? And if Once a month or a few times a year you want it less than usual does that mean you've suddenly BECOME LD or does it just mean you have had an off-week?

For me I view sex similarly to how I view chocolate. I LOVE chocolate and yet sometimes after dinner out even though there are great chocolate desserts, I still choose to not have any because I am full and I would not appreciate the dessert enough. I tend to like to go to a restaurant in the afternoon and savor dessert alone with a glass of wine or good espresso. I tend to view sex as something so enjoyable that doing it while exhausted doesn't sound fun or romantic but rather perfunctory. Not exact the right attitude but kind of hard to kick when you are so tired you feel like crying.

Now that does not that I will not have sex with my partner when I am exhausted. of course I appreciate his needs and desires. And thankfully he can appreciate my tiredness and not take it as a personal affront that I am not a more, ahem, shall we say active participant at times It does mean that I don't do it routinely when I am tired because I don't want to reduce sex to something I only do for my partner or let it become something that is a chore and not fun anymore.

Am I the only woman here that feels that way about sex? In some ways I would characterize it as I love sex so much I want to be active and appreciative of it. And how can that happen if it becomes something that I just do for my partner no matter how I am feeling at the time?

Yep, agreeing w/ you there. After having 3 boys in the time that I did, I can say "amen" to wanting sleep over sex and that's where my M got off the sex track big time. I didn't want to be having sex just to be having sex, I wanted to enjoy it too and that wasn't happening. But on the other hand, I still should have been taking H's needs into consideration and maybe, had I done that more often, we would have gotten back on track sooner than we did.

I wanted to enjoy it too and that wasn't happening. But on the other hand, I still should have been taking H's needs into consideration

I think that's where communication and respect play such important roles. EACH person's needs - for sleep and sex - are reasonable and important so figuring out how to balance them so each feels they are getting heard and appreciated is the key. If the tired one ALWAYS has sex or the "undersexed" ALWAYS lets the other sleep, that's where resentment starts to grow. Of course resentment SHOULDN'T necessarily turn into entitlement but as we've seen in many situations it tends to happen that way.