Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives changes in attitudes, changes in latitudes

I've been a reading machine over the last week or so. As many people her suggested, I read the 5LLs book and saw so much that I think can help our M. But...how can I practice what I've read if I'm seriously DBing? I would like to have H take the "test" so I'm sure of his LL, but I don't think I should ask him to? What good does it do to know my own LL if H doesn't know it?

Trip - I am hoping that the new C we are seeing next week can help me more with dealing with the fallout of the gambling. I've come to the realization that it doesn't really fit in with what many people have experienced on this board, but I am taking the position that it is a problem that *I* am willing to work on dealing with. The only person I can change is myself, right?

I have been reading a lot lately also. This is the most I have read since school and that was a long time ago.

I have not read the 5 love languages yet but I want to soon.

In the book that I am reading it has a section dealing with addiction. I don't know if it applies to gambling or not but I will let you know.

Have a great Wednesday!
Matt

I called H from work today to try to schedule out some fun activities for the kids for the rest of the summer. We have nothing planned, which I think is unfair to the kids. Why should they be miserable too? Anyway, he obviously didn't want to talk about it and we agreed to talk about it tonight. The call sent me into a major funk. We also discussed his birthday, which is next Tuesday. This is the big 5-0, and I know he doesn't want to make a big deal about it, so I haven't made any real plans. I told him we'd probably just go out to dinner with the kids. He's planning to take the day off of work to play golf. I'm not sure exactly what to do, given our sitch. Any suggestions? I will give him a gift (not sure what) and a card, I guess. Ugh, I don't know what to do. I need someone to send me some positive thoughts.

Hi Matt- I'll reply on your thread in a minute.

Positive thoughts are coming your way ~~~~~~~

I try and send you some positive thoughts and ideas later this evening. I am getting ready to leave work for the day.

Matt

Nattitude,
How did the conversation go this evening with your H?
I agree about the kids and vacation....if he doesn't want to go, go by yourself. I know I would rather do things as a family also but with our sitch's that may not happen.

Does your family or his family know about your sitch? Mine and W's family know what is going on. I wish they didn't though. Too many questions, advice, pressure and emotions!

Let me think more about the Big 50!
See Ya, Matt

NA
I just wanted to check in w/ you after your post on Nomo's thread.

Can I shoot straight with you? OK, I will then you can tell me to blank off...

This sounds like trying to "fix" something that you desparately want fixed and it may look fixed if you can get H to figure out his issue and start having R talks. I actually believe he may come to that point but my fear with the Gambling issue is that it affects everything, starts with money, trust and all that those 2 things affect which is everything.

So, it feels like it would be temporary. If he doesnt get real help with this, it could ruin not only your M but pull you and the kids right down with it. We worry about each other here so that is why I am trying to shoot straight.

So, how to deal with this? You mention he has gotten counseling but he definitely needs direct help w/ Gambling. This is one time where I totally agree that working on him is what he needs to do before he can make any progress w/ you. So, any thoughts on how to wake him up? Appeal to future of kids financially?

Excuse me for being blunt and maybe crossing over lines/rehashing.

CVA

Well, I ended up bringing it up after the kids were all in bed. He really doesn't want to make any plans. I told him that I was looking at the calendar the day before and I realized that there aren't many weekends left in the summer and I wanted to make sure we planned some things for the kids. He said "well, it's not like they're having a miserable summer." Then I told him I had already made reservations at a hotel that we've been going to for the past 5 years. They have a 24 hour cancellation policy, so cancelling would not be a big deal. I told him that we could decide when it got a little closer and I wouldn't tell the kids. I am thinking that I will take the kids myself if he doesn't want to go.

I also told him I wanted to plan a weekend to visit my family, who live about 5 hours away. He told me that there was no reason that I couldn't go by myself with the kids. I said that I knew that, but it would be hard to do the drive alone with three kids, and my parents don't know that anything is wrong with us (I haven't gone to see them without him since we were first dating). He made it clear that he doesn't want to go, so I don't know what I'll be doing about that. I guess things are just as unplanned as they were yesterday before I talked to him.



I have only told 3 friends about our sitch and haven't said anything to my family. I don't want the extra questions, advice, pressure and emotions that you're experiencing! I haven't told anyone about the gambling, except for our Cs and you fine DBing friends. I guess I am sort of protecting him because I don't want friends and family to judge him or take sides.

We have a C session scheduled for next Thursday, 7/19 with the new C. I reminded him about that yesterday and he got quiet and said that he thought I was going alone. I told him that I wanted to go together. He was non-committal, as he is about everything lately. I guess I'll find out next week if he's going.

Things seem so much better when I'm not bringing up anything related to the R or any future plans.
More later. Thanks.

Thanks for coming to check out my thread. I appreciate it!


Of course you can shoot straight with me! I want as much input as I can get.



I think I have come to the realization over the past few months that I can't do the fixing as far as the gambling problem goes. Maybe I can fix something in myself that has led him to use gambling as an outlet?



Thanks for the worry- it's nice to have someone to look out for us, especially since I have not told any friends or family about his gambling. I do think he is getting real help with this, at least that's what he tells me. He goes to GA meetings twice a week and has been seeing an IC occassionally.



I feel like I have done so much talking on this issue over the last couple of years and now I have decided to back off. When I think about all of the things we could be doing as a family with the money he has lost, and the future security that's out the window, I just lose it. The thing is that he knows all of this- I've told him so many times and he knows how much he has screwed up. I think he is dealing with loads of guilt. I'm not sure what else I can do, but try to be there and be supportive. He needs regular counseling and financial counseling, but I can't make him go and nagging him to go certainly isn't going to help. I have bid goodbye to the nag in me- she is gone, I hope!



No excuse necessary. Please feel free to chime in anytime and you can be as blunt as you think is necessary! Thank you for taking an interest in me and my sitch.

Quick note to self
GAL ideas: biking, walking, look for yoga class?

Hi T!

Read this thread. I love your energy! You sound like an up person to me. Good help from Matt, Trip and CVA too. If I may, a few thoughts:

1. Love the new GAL ideas - do it!

2. Love the name change too.

3. I am so glad you are not sticking with a C you are happy with. I hope the C appt on 7/19 goes well. Why did it take so long to get in? If H doesn't want to go, that may not be all bad. Just tell C that your hope is that it will be couples counseling, but you don't know. Then you can tell him/her very honestly about your sitch, your DBing efforts, etc. And you can tell him/her about your desire for goal-oriented, solutions-based, pro-M counseling. Use Michele's advice on "Choosing a Merital Therapist" to interview him or her. I'd specifically ask him or her about training for couples counseling. A lot of traditional therapists don't have this training, but they try to counsel couples. It's much better if they have some training (eg, with Db, IMAGO, and other approaches/schools of thought, etc.) Finally, if H won't go the first time, maybe you can get him in later after you report back that it is good. You may have to present it as we need to improve our communication so we can be the best (co-)parents possible.

If he really resists, you may not be able to get him to go at all. If it looks like that, on elast ditch effort is to ask him to see the new C so the new C gets his story so he or she can help you because you are going to continue with IC. That can help even if he only goes once, because your C will have his take on things. And, he might like the C (my W did!), and then might end up going.

4. You talked about intimacy and temper being your issues. I know you are reading SSM. Great! Don't push it on him reading it. As for the temper, where are you in analyzing, addressing, dealing with that one. That sounds like something the DB ideas are tailored made to help with!

5. You said: "He's a true procrastinator in most areas- hey, maybe that's why he's still living here!" Could be. Time is your friend!

6. He doesn't want to go on the vacation, he doesn't want to see your family, no birthday plans, no JC - I now it hurts, but he is telling you he needs time and space. It is so hard to give it to him, but you have to. This will take much longer than you want. You have to develop the patience needed. This very hard for me too. We have to do it! We can do it! We will do it!

Following-up on our LL discussion on my thread, I would go very slowly. I think I need to pull back too. We want so bad to fix things, but it's not gonna happen overnight. We need to slow down. It's like hostage/terrorist scenario Sunny described on my thread. Did you see that?

7. You also wrote: "Maybe I can fix something in myself that has led him to use gambling as an outlet?" I'm not sure about that. But you can become the best you for you! You can be the person you want to be. Have you identified what she looks like? Most likely, that is also the person he fell in love with and/or the one he will want to be with.

N_A, I hope that helps. You sound like you are doing well. Keep it up, and keep posting.

Nomo