I've had a fairly lazy last couple days. I've been really tired, and haven't gotten rested up since my company left. Feel like I'm fighting off something, but my PMA is doing great. We stayed out too late the night before my sister's wedding... hehee. Then had to get up really early yesterday to drive my brother to the airport. I was looking forward to some real sleep, but woke up early again today. That's been happening to me a lot lately. I did call that broker back today, bet I'll hear from him tomorrow. I went out to my horse which is always nice. I haven't even studied much, but I'm gonna knock the rest out real quick when I get on it.
On my sitch.... I had told my H over a week ago that I wanted to meet with him (when I was basically trying to recover from my backslide... and I now think I was just wanting to pressure him)... and the end of last week I asked him when he could meet (was still having the urge to pressure, and also wanted to "follow through"). Well, he's been nicer than usual to me since then... LOL... besides being overly sensitive and getting his feathers ruffled over the littlest things. He even sent a text early the morning of my sister's wedding to send his wishes, and then called that afternoon and left a voicemail just wondering how the wedding went. I'm skeptical he's just playing nice because he's nervous about what I want to meet about.
The thing is, now I'm not sure what I should use the meeting with him for. My not-very-well-thought-out plan initially was to tell him I'm wanting to D, as I'd given him my word in March that I'd tell him if I did and I feel like he hasn't used this time to work on himself. Maybe I should tell him I'm thinking about it, because I am. I could tell him that when I decide I want one that'll be it, of course said in the right way. Anyhow, we would've met today but couldn't agree to a time. We're to be scheduling it sometime this week. Funny how this is not so terribly different from 8 months ago, but seems reversed.... he'd want to meet but I'd be nervous and it wouldn't happen.
With the help of Julie and Dana, I'm leaning toward just going and talking about nothing (no R talk. might be a 180, or at least baffling)... I'd just be light and if he asks why I wanted to meet... I just wanted to see how he's doing. If anyone has any thoughts, even if they're humorous, please share. This should at least be entertaining.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
At this point, I don't think his contact is making me feel ambivalent. I think it just brought some of my feelings to the surface but I feel good and detached now, and I actually feel more clear about what I might need. I don't feel done, but I do feel like I'm getting over him more and more. I see myself moving forward and don't expect he will be up to joining me in my life. I don't feel the need to tell him anything I'm thinking about D. I'm just moving forward for me.
It's funny to see how scared he is. He can't seem to make the time to meet with me this week, but he acts all nice and loving. I'm definitely going to do this for fun, HS. I think meeting with him will help me. I can thank him for continuing to financially support our household. I can't say it will blow my skirt up, but I sort of look forward to just doing a little check-up in person.
Well, I'm super tired. Going to bed. Catch up in the morning.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Aw speed, the thing is buddy, we feel that way because what we see in our minds is that person that we used to love being with. The possibility of ever having that with someone we are already comfy with is so damn hard to get over.
J, I believe a lot of that is the same for you. You are almost over him and ready to move on. I imagine this is because you do hang on to the thoughts of what once was and the fact that you do so miss being loved that way and just want to feel that warm and fuzzy feeling again. It is easier to sit back and think why can't my spouse just pull their sh^t together and be that person again than it is to say to yourself that you can find that again with someone new.
That my dear is the hardest thing for each and every one of us. To be able to get past that comfort and safe feeling that we have with the spouse that we once had a good R with. The one's here that move on simply find that place, that ability to see that there is more life to live out there and someone else who can give them what they need. You have to come to that place in your own time J, and it sounds like that is the direction you are headed in.
It takes a strong person to be able to find that place J, keep up the fantastic job that you are doing and by all means, meet with him and do what you need to do.
Thanks HS! I did sleep good. I guess I've found some good reasons to meet with him, to replace my original agenda.... hehee. I'm with you... I definitely don't want to be with the person my H is now and that helps to get over him. I also am realizing that the grass truly might be greener in my case. The thing is, I don't necessarily need that. I meant my vows. That's likely why you feel the same way, I think.
Hey Ian! Good to hear from you. Good luck today. I also have a meeting this afternoon, but not really an interview in my case. I'm meeting with that broker again. He has a few more "options" he's going to share with me. I'm looking forward to hearing about them. I have to say, for me, I think I'm doing really good at NOT seeing that person in my H that I used to love being with. I see him for what he was and is, which I'm realizing I didn't really love that much. Love was a choice for me though, and still is. I'm finally accepting him for who he is. I think what we hold onto is the hope we had for our future with that person, but we can instead have hope for our future w/o them and/or with someone else. This has really been sinking in over the last several months. I know there is more life out there, and I know someone else might be more able to give me what I deserve and deserve what I have to offer. I also know that I didn't give my H what he needed either, so I'm not ready to give up on my M just yet.
I've been working on my online course. Yesterday I spent much of the day with my laptop out in the back yard, enjoying my dogs and the butterflies and keeping myself in the shade as best I could. It was so nice. It's been hot and I have the dogs' kiddie pool out for them, so that's entertaining. Just really happy right now. Enjoying life.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
I'm excited right now. Feel like I was on a little roller coaster ride today.
This morning, my H (and his brother) stopped by to get some surfboards from the studio. I had missed his call a few minutes prior, but the dogs let me know when they were barking. I didn't go out and say hi. I was a little surprised at my stress response to the whole thing, but it wasn't that bad. Two days ago he'd wanted to come by to pick those up (same thing happened last Friday) and after I asked him when that would be via text, he never replied. Sometimes it feels like he just chooses not to respect my request to give me notice. Anyway, I know that might not be the case. I think he just can't plan ahead. It's likely he ended up not needing to come by because his brother didn't commit to going with him those days. Who knows, but I'm not gonna take it personally. Was nice to see they were going together today. I know H would be really happy.
Met with the broker, and am pretty excited about how that went. He invited me to join his team. When we met the first time, he said he had a waiting list. He has some great things happening right now and has an opening for me. I get the impression he is a great leader and would be a wonderful mentor. I'd be able to build my own business while having the team to work with at the same time, which would provide some income when things are slow and a lot of support for my own business. It seems like the best of both worlds. I have to admit that as excited as I am, I'm nervous and feel like I should maybe be skeptical. It just feels too easy. I think working with him might be a really good fit for me, and I haven't bothered going out to talk to other brokers. He seems very progressive, down-to-earth, and like he just has real integrity.
So, baby steps. When I finish my course, I'll be able to take the state exam to get my license. I could probably start training under this broker even before then if I wanted. Think I should talk to at least one more person in the industry before I make my decision. I could sure use a coach to guide me through this stage. I'm not feeling as cool and confident as I'd like to be.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
I'm not feeling as cool and confident as I'd like to be.
Ok... I'm going to make this simple for you... follow the logic...
1. cool and confident is for cucumbers. 2. cucumbers are a vegetable. 3. Veggies are safe (your words, girlfriend). 4. Safe means not a lot of risk. 5. not a lot of risk means you should feel cool and confident.
