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Had another "normal" weekend. Friday night I went to my parent's for dinner and then out to my buddy's bar to watch the game. (did not drink) Wife got home before I did, by design on my part, but no reaction to it from her. Saturday, was my sister's baby shower so I went golfing with my brother in law. Wife called me while we were there just to check up on me. Hung out with her, her mother and some of my extended family for most of the rest of the day Saturday, then went back to the condo with her and her mother.

Sunday, got up and went to church. And how is this for a coincidence... The Curch was honoring members of the congregation who have been married for 10,25 and 50 years. So, the entire Homily was about marriage and relationships and how they are hard work, but when couples commit themselves to eachother before God, that problems can be worked out with a little effort. Well, my wife was tearing up for the whole homily. I hope that she really listened to and heeded our priest's words. The rest of Sunday we went furniture shopping for a new couch for the condo and then went to an early dinner with her mother and my family.

No ILY's, no emotional contact all weekend, but nothing "bad" either.

I am kind of at an impasse here. I am not sure what I should be doing about separation. I don't think that I should bring it up, but I don't want her thinking that I did not give her the opportunity. I think I am going to ask MIL to ask wife if she feels that she is getting enough space from me. Wife has mentioned to her mother that she needs space. I have not been contacting her at all and simply wait for her to contact me if I need to talk to her about something specific. We work different schedules so it is as if we are physically separated most of the time. We do see eachother on the weekend. The last thing I want to do is bring up the separation if that is not what she wants right now. What advice do you have for me regarding the separation?

Also, do you guys have any suggestions as to how much involvement her family should have in this situation? They are more concerned about her personally at this point because there has been such a change in her. I just don't want them pushing her away farther than she already is.

I wouldn't bring it up at all, if she wants to go, she'll go, no need providing the push.



I personally don't think they should have any involvement, but you can't control what she tells them, you just shouldn't provide anything unless you're sure that THEY want to help both of you and not just her. My inlaws don't know a thing as far as I know.

Dustin R.

Thanks for the advice. Her family is actually an ally for me at this point. They have noticed/realized that she has changed in the last few months. At first, when she was telling them that it was my fault that she has changed they were not happy with me, but they have since realized that I am still the same preson I have always been for the last ten years, and that she is the one that has become different. They are telling her that she is making a mistake etc...

I just don't want them to frustrate any of my attempts on the DBing side of things.

Stewart,
It is good that your w family is an ally, as is mine. They were telling w early on in the sitch she needed to pull her head out of her a$$, etc. This was working against me.
I phoned her sil after a particular nasty blow up with w and asked her if she could back off a bit. I asked her to trust me to do what was right. As well, I have asked the same of my family. Both still want to add advice, etc, but not as much anymore and only when asked for the most part. My S's are the exeption to this.
It has helped our sitch by having both families there for support if needed, unfortunately w no longer feels she can go to her family for this, because of the conversations early on.
I personally think that the family can cause backslides and have witnessed them first hand several times. You do not need outside influence, except to support your work. IMO

Sometimes "well meaning" family members are your worst enemy.

Michele addresses the well-meaning family pretty well in DR Chapter 1. And I think what she says is true. But, there's nothing you can do but the usual stuff, work on yourself...family and friends will notice these changes, and in my case, family noticed BEFORE wife did.

As far as how to deal, Homer Mac has a chapter called "Attack Their Support" which deals in part with this. I have not read it closely, as I don't intend to attack...it would likely backfire and does not seem like a good idea to me.

Top Jimmy

Stew,

I have read your posts and I am sorry you are here. I am on the other side of the coin...although there is no OM and I still willing to try and work on the M although I am feeling and saying alot of the same things as your wife. That I am confused, feel shutoff etc. We are about the same age and I know that me turning 30 soon is making me re-evaluate my life and where I want it to go. I just decided that I wasn't goingto continue to be unhappy anymore. But this happened to me over a number of years while begging for MC the whole time. DH just agreed since I said i was leaving him if he didn't.

I agree with the others that if she hasn't mentioned separating then maybe you shouldn't if you are still giving this your all. She will tell you if that is what she needs and you can take it from there.

As far as the family...I am having a real problem with mine and his giving us their 2 cents. I wish that everyone would mind their own business! If my DH was "conspiring" with my family at all I would take this a direct act of agression on his part and probably just file for the big D. I don't ever share any info with his family, its not my place. He can deal with his family and I will deal with mine. Families are tricky things and for the record my very traditional family thinks that the only two reasons for a woman to leave the M is abuse, physical or mental. unhappiness just isn't good enough and I have been told this in no uncertain terms by many family members. They do not approve of my current situation and my only saving grace with most of them is that we are in MC. But no doubt if it doesn't work I will be on the family shitlist forever.

Anyway, thats my nickels worth. I wish you the best and try to be patient with your wife. its wonderful that you are here and trying so hard, it speaks volumes about how much you must love her. I wish my DH cared half as much.

Thank you all for the advice about the family situation. Perhaps it would be a good idea to ask her family to just try and back off a bit and let me try and work on things from here. The problem is that they are worried about her and her most recent behavior. She has not been eating right, has lost a ton of weight, and is not really taking care of herself. She is drinking a lot more than she has in the past also. But I will ask them to trust me to try and handle it the best I can.

WAW1978 it is good to hear that there is no other man in your situation, and you are still saying the same things as my spouse. There has not been confirmation in my situation that there is another man, just little signs here and there that make me think there is. My Wife denies it to everyone who asks her. (none of those being me) And I do think that she deep down wants things to work out but is just afraid that things won't really change for the long run. I know the changes I have made have really surprised her and quite possibly took her off guard and put at least some doubt into her mind that leaving is the right thing to do.

Do you think I should bring up going to MC again? I don't want to push her on this issue- one of her complaints about me was that I was too controlling. I just really want this to work and want to do everything that I can to try and help it along.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my thread and offer advice/support. And I also cannot just chalk up the theme at church this week to mere coincidence. I believe deep down that this is supposed to work and I take it as a sign from God, as I was finding my strength wavering quite a bit last week. It just gave me a shot in the arm so to speak and I believe that He is telling me not to give up.

You can always make the offer about MC.

I would wait until she initiates a conversation about her feelings & your marriage, that way you can't be looked at as forcing the matter or being pushy. At that point you could ask if *she* thought an MC could help. That way she knows you are still willing but the ball is in her court to make the decision. I would stop at that and just see if she bites. Of course if she shoots the idea down I would drop it for the time being so you won't be looked at as pushing etc. I am sure you may have tried or asked in the past but reminding her that you are still willing probably can't hurt things.

I am new to all of this so maybe some of the vets might have a different opinion but being in similar place as your wife I thought this might be helpful.

Hang in there!