Is there a chance, yes there always is if you give it time, need to learn that myself. Just take your time and don't bring up the relationship again. You said she hasn't filed, so don't push any hot buttons. Just keep working on yourself and keep DB'ing the best you can. Let's hope we all can have a success story in here on day, that is why we are here.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
I think a 180 for control may be staying calm, really calm, I mean yoga calm, and listening. Remember, we have two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you talk. Men are the problem solvers, right? You may want to approach this as a problem to solve, but she may be emotionally punishing you to get back at you. I dunno because I am not a therapist but I am a chick who punished my H far too long. I still have fantasies about punishing him and I have to resist and stay positive. You still have hope and you started your life over already.
Last edited by mkultra; 07/08/0705:48 AM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Hi Jazz - Tnx 4 the reply. I hope so. I feel it was a good talk too. We'll c what happens. I'll just keep on doin what I've been doin. BM
Originally Posted By: JazzzGtr
BM,
That was actually a good talk. She hasn't filed in 4 months? Be quiet for a few more months. I have a feeling she won't file. Be friendly but don't pressure her. She needs more space to figure things out for herself. You'll have to simply let her do it.
Good ideas. Especially about needing to listen more and not always being in fix mode. thnx kultra.
Originally Posted By: mkultra
I think a 180 for control may be staying calm, really calm, I mean yoga calm, and listening. Remember, we have two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you talk. Men are the problem solvers, right? You may want to approach this as a problem to solve, but she may be emotionally punishing you to get back at you. I dunno because I am not a therapist but I am a chick who punished my H far too long. I still have fantasies about punishing him and I have to resist and stay positive. You still have hope and you started your life over already.
You are all right. She has yet to file. Not sure if she's waiting for us to sell the house first. I'm hoping once she's on her own after we get out of the house she will start to rethink things.
thanks BM
Originally Posted By: 789
Is there a chance, yes there always is if you give it time, need to learn that myself. Just take your time and don't bring up the relationship again. You said she hasn't filed, so don't push any hot buttons. Just keep working on yourself and keep DB'ing the best you can. Let's hope we all can have a success story in here on day, that is why we are here.
I hear what both you and DR r saying. What I was trying to do was take all the pressure off of her by saying that I understand why she feels the way she does and I agree that things needed to change. Afterall, something was broken. I also said that I wasn't happy either because I needed to make some changes which I've done. We'll c how it goes. I agree with Jazz and just keep quiet for another 4 mons and c how it is. If she files before then I'll know how she really feels.
ty BM
Originally Posted By: catfan
I have to agree with DR on the comment side, be very careful about such comments because it reinforces her decision to leave and that you aren't worth it. Now if you had said what you really meant which was you understood how she got to feeling that way then that would be a bit different. So be very careful in what you say and the hidden meanings in it.
Now as for what to do, well everyone else pretty much answered that question. I strongly, strongly recommend you continue to work on those control issues. This is something you probably want to work on with your C a good bit. Because if you don't you'll continue to do little controlling things which your wife will see and think you haven't changed.
So now I am going to ask you a question, was all of this truly heartfelt or is it really just another very subtle way to control her and her reactions, emotions, etc.? Because if it's any of that she'll just think you are a manipulative jack-ss.
I hear what both you and DR r saying. What I was trying to do was take all the pressure off of her by saying that I understand why she feels the way she does and I agree that things needed to change. Afterall, something was broken. I also said that I wasn't happy either because I needed to make some changes which I've done. We'll c how it goes. I agree with Jazz and just keep quiet for another 4 mons and c how it is. If she files before then I'll know how she really feels.
ty BM
Originally Posted By: catfan
I have to agree with DR on the comment side, be very careful about such comments because it reinforces her decision to leave and that you aren't worth it. Now if you had said what you really meant which was you understood how she got to feeling that way then that would be a bit different. So be very careful in what you say and the hidden meanings in it.
Now as for what to do, well everyone else pretty much answered that question. I strongly, strongly recommend you continue to work on those control issues. This is something you probably want to work on with your C a good bit. Because if you don't you'll continue to do little controlling things which your wife will see and think you haven't changed.
So now I am going to ask you a question, was all of this truly heartfelt or is it really just another very subtle way to control her and her reactions, emotions, etc.? Because if it's any of that she'll just think you are a manipulative jack-ss.
