Do what you want to do..ie, what will make you happy (and keep in mind, you can have no happiness with your H as things stand) so it has to be all about you.
This I can and have been doing. To the point that H has become concerned. He refers to it as me becoming more "independent" .. 'cause I do so many things (that I want/need to do) without him. From that concern my H has moved into getting angry with me about this. He has even "accused" me of seeing someone.
Addict/enabler relationship .. does that also go under the name of co-dependency? I ask 'cause several different counselors (that H and I have both been to) maintain that I am definitely NOT that (at least in the past).. because of the fact that I generally am/have been pretty successful at separating myself from all of my H's "problems".
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And with the additional input from you, I would cut off his cash if I were you. The financial part should be really of concern. He doesn't love you as he is willing to flush you and your son down the toilet. but that is how alcoholics are.
The problem currently is that my H's name is on all of our accounts. How do I (can I?) shut off his cash? .. That is without causing the most certain demise of our M. I guess that is where you are "getting" that I am an enabler? In MY mind, I don't have the option of doing that. If I could, I would.
Yes, I know .. because he is willing to flush us down the toilet .. why would I want to "hold on" anyway? Another check mark in the enabler column, I guess ..?
Yes, addict/enabler would be in the codependency genre. In this case, you may separate yourself, but I take issue with the characterization from your counselors. Maybe you are not a classic codependent, but he is spending the money you earn, i.e. you enable him. I have some knowledge of this subject and have discussed with my counselors (even though it has been 5 years).
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The problem currently is that my H's name is on all of our accounts. How do I (can I?) shut off his cash? .. That is without causing the most certain demise of our M. I guess that is where you are "getting" that I am an enabler?
I would assume that your name is on the accounts too. Is this correct? But you shut off his cash by opening an account in your name and depositing your paycheck in that. As for the demise of your marriage, isn't that what is really going on now anyway.
But I am curious, what has happened with your H in counseling? What do they tell him. From what you say, my opinion is that he is a selfish @$$hole who uses you as his meal ticket. Perhaps the best thing for him, it to cut him off. What do counselors say?
And honestly, I am still having trouble trying to figure out why the Cs say you are not codependent. There does seem to be some of that at work here.
Because of where I am "at", I'm not feeling at all qualified to give out any advice.
I CAN say that I believe I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. We haven't been able to get our H's to change (over the years) even though we've done all of that we know .. to change what we could. (Within ourselves of course, 'cause that's all we have control of .. )
Obviously it's not been enough, because our H's are still doing the toxic stuff that damages a M.
Yes, I have been to Al-Anon (in the past.) I'm not sure if I should start individual counseling or start attending the Al-Anon meetings, once again. Something I will have to decide.
Oh .. and for the record .. my H says pretty much the same thing (as your H) about counseling. He says that the psychologists are all nut-cases theirselves and that most are only in it for the money.
And honestly, I am still having trouble trying to figure out why the Cs say you are not codependent. There does seem to be some of that at work here.
I probably should not have worded my previous response to you the way I had. I went back to look at my journaling (this was from 5 years ago) and this is what I had written that particular counselor had said. I was talking to him about good groups and good books on co-dependency .. wanting him to give me suggestions .. and he told me that even though there may be some co-dependency coming in to play in my situation .. he did not want me to start reading books or going to groups on it, 'cause he thought it would do me more damage than good. (??)
This puzzles me .. now, just as much as it must you. Cause if you read up on co-dependency, I believe I could be "classic".
I am wondering if he may have said this because of how hard I was trying to save our M .. and he knew that groups or books like this would not "help" in our M situation..?
This was ALSO during a time that I had kicked my H out for cheating .. so maybe he thought that I was not "co-dependent" because I was responding with what he considered as "appropriate" actions ... ?
The $$ that my H is spending is from refinancing that we have done 9 months ago. This was $$ that was supposed to be spent on finishing our home (so that we could sell it) and help us continue paying our mortgage until we do sell it.
Well, the refi money is almost gone (again) and he is advocating that we refinance once again!
Yes, H has gone to counselors .. several throughout the years. There was only one that really did any good for him. That one, (I believe) got too close to his problems (for comfort) 'cause he quit going entirely.
Yes, I qualified that comment with the excerpt I copied below from that post ..
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even though we've done all of that we know .. to change what we could. (Within ourselves of course, 'cause that's all we have control of .. )
Some of the hope that this board gives .. I think, is that by becoming a "better person" may invoke positive reactions/changes in our wayward spouses .. right?
That said, I DO know that the positive changes that we make has to be for ourselves. These positive changes hopefully will make us stronger to "move on" .. if needed.
he did not want me to start reading books or going to groups on it, 'cause he thought it would do me more damage than good. (??)
If you go though my posts, you will see I say that a lot. I didn't really until after the fact. In my opinion, it keeps you caught up in the junk. And you did have someone to explain it to you. Not sure if that is what your C had in mind, but I am with him.
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There was only one that really did any good for him. That one, (I believe) got too close to his problems (for comfort) 'cause he quit going entirely.
I can see that being a good possibility.
U&D, this info regarding the refinance is very bad. He is so willing to take you down a rat hole. You need to protect your assets.
I am not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet. I am not one that has to deal with Alcohol in my marriage (just a WAS and Ow MLC). But I have been reading a book called Codependant No More. I have found some assistance with this book.
I hope things get better. (((((hugs)))) mimi
Bomb 3/31/2007 Moved out 04/22/2007 Moved back in 06/11/2007 Wants to stay and try 09/04/2007
