Yes, I'll be fine, but I can't say as much for my M! Gotta keep DBing, but if it ever works out I've got this feeling I'm looking at years down the road post-D before it does.
GD I forget how long your W has been seeing OM. Hang in there if you want things to work long term. She wont look back right now because is distracted but one day I guarantee she will. By then it may be too late who knows. All your DB'ing needs to be for you and your kids right now. And keep seeing the IL's they are your kids grandparents , dont talk to them about W if you can help it, make sure they see how well you are coping.
As far as I know, they've been "seeing each other" since early March, but it could've been a little longer. I know that they were hanging out for a little bit before that, but I think it was solely emotional-based at that time. It was early March when I heard that it had turned physical.
I realize that they haven't been seeing each other that long, and the newness of it likely hasn't worn off, but they keep getting closer and closer (like the fact that W stays at his house all the time now instead of her apt -- and I think her apt lease isn't up until the end of August). Also, I keep thinking that at some point they will grow apart due to the age difference (W26, OM38), and one of them will realize that they are in a different stage of their life than the other (though this might not actually be the case -- I don't know).
About a month ago I was told by an ex colleague who is 46 that she didn't think it would last, and that when he starts slowing down in the not-too-distant future she will begin to rethink things (if it goes that far). She's been divorced and remarried, and usually has some good advice about R things. Also, she said that she had thoughts about her Ex after he finally changed for the long haul (I think it took him close to 10 years to figure it out), but that it was too late by then.
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She wont look back right now because she is distracted but one day I guarantee she will.
I hope you're right, and I hope it doesn't take a lifetime for that to happen -- but at this point, I'm willing to wait. I see so much potential for us to have a new M that is exciting, loving, nuturing, mature, etc. The "real love" that 5LL talks about. I did so much wrong for so long, and I know this has really helped to allow her not to look back even after 8 months of separation. I do hope that with the changes that I make she will eventually forget all of the bad times, but sometimes I get a NMA and feel like that might never happen. And I know that the changes I make need to be for me and my kids right now, but I also do it because I love my W and want to make things right between us. I can't lie to myself about the fact that this is why I do it too. If it wasn't a large part of the reason, I would be at a self-help board that didn't have to do with saving my M.
Thanks again, Dave -- I need that bit of reasssurance from time to time (good for the PMA!).
How is the LL book coming? I know when I read the book it was a huge eye opener that showed me how I'd been trying to love my wife in the ways I needed to feel loved instead of how she needed to feel love and she'd been doing much of the same. After I read the book I thought about which LL I thought was her primary based on what I knew of her and which I thought was mine. I then took the quiz in the back (I have the Men's version of the book, not sure if you do or what the differences are) and confirmed my LL was Physical Affection. I was able to get my wife to take her quiz in the back of the book and she did indeed have the LL that I'd predicted (and her lowest LL was my primary LL and the one I'd been trying to use to show her love all these years).
The LL book ought to be required reading in high school, along with some money management courses. We all spend so much time and effort learning about everything but the two most important things, relationships and money.
How is the LL book coming? I know when I read the book it was a huge eye opener that showed me how I'd been trying to love my wife in the ways I needed to feel loved instead of how she needed to feel love and she'd been doing much of the same.
This is exactly how I'm feeling about it as I'm reading (lovin' the book). Wish I'd have known about this at the beginning of the M (should be a prerequisite before getting married!).
Brief journaling,
Just got a call from the pharmacy (a recording, actually) stating that "my" prescription was ready to be picked up. Well, I haven't turned in anything a prescription. I then realized that it was likely my W's prescription for the absess on her nose that she recently got (or for something else, I guess). I then questioned whether I should call her and tell her that the pharmacy (which is in the store she works at) called me about her prescription and that it was ready, or call the pharmacy back and tell them that they prescription is for my W and that they'll need to call her.
I know this probably isn't a big thing to debate over, but when the rare opportunities to engage with my W are available, I'm trying to be very calculating with my actions.
So, I opted to call the pharmacy. I girl answered and I said, "Hi. I just got a message about a prescription being in, but I think it is for my W who works there, and you'll have to call her phone to let her know." Girl responded with, "Okay. What is the last name?" I told her, then she asked for the first name, which I told her. Then she seemed a little different (maybe slightly awkward), and said "Oh, okay. I think she's working today. Yup. Okay, I'll go ahead and let her know in a little bit when I see her." "Okay, thanks. I appreciate it." "You're welcome." Then the byes and we hung up. I kept an upbeat, friendly and confident tone during the brief convo, but I didn't expect for the girl to know my W because they work in two different departments.
It seemed obvious to me that the girl knows my W and that she probably knows about the S and looming D, as well as the OM since he works at that store too. The girl might have thought it odd that I still referred to her as my W, or that I was so nice and willing to help my W in this regard too. I don't know, but she did seem to get a little bit ruffled when she realized who I was talking about.
Okay, so I guess I'm just wondering if this was the better choice? I feel like it was, because it shows that I'm willing to help W out without contacting her in doing so. It shows that I'm detaching from her more (in her mind).
I guess I could've done option three and not called back at all, but I thought I'd seize the opportunity to help out some, even if it was minor.
[quote=Gone Dancin']I think you overanalyzed what the girl was thinking. Who knows, and who cares?
I think I would have called her. Short simple little thing to do, doesn't seem pressuring because you got a message that was for her, and you can do something nice for her. What would you have done if you acted like W was your (best?) friend? Why not do that? If you agree with me, don't sweat it. Just do it next time. For me, thinking of W as a good/best friend or a little sister helps me decide how to act at times.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I think you overanalyzed what the girl was thinking. Who knows, and who cares?
You're right, nomo. Thanks for slapping some sense back into me -- I obviously needed that!
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I think I would have called her. Short simple little thing to do, doesn't seem pressuring because you got a message that was for her, and you can do something nice for her. What would you have done if you acted like W was your (best?) friend?
Good point, and I think I will do that next time -- I just feel like the more detached I appear from W (in her eyes) while at the same time still doing things to help her, the better the chances are that she will become curious about me again. This stems from that belief that a WAS will not even consider seriously peeking over the castle walls until they believe that the LBS has completely detached and is moving on. However, I do think that this situation was one in which contacting her would've been okay because -- like you said -- I got a message that was for her. I'm happy with the fact that she likely will be told by the pharmacy girl that I called to let them know about the message I got (i.e. W will know that I was doing something nice for her without me TRYING to let her know it).
I'll do my best to quit overanalyzing everything so much -- it is commanding too much of my thinking right now.
GD
WB -- Just starting #3 in 5LL, so we're about in the same spot. Gotta love the insight!
You will drive yourself crazy over analysing. Relax I dont see any problem ringing your WAS about , nuts and bolts stuff as long as you stick to the point and do not try and turn it into an information gathering excercise or relationship talk.
5LL is avery good book , My W has my copy now and she may even read it one day.
