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IP that is sucj good news - I am so pleased for you, you went through hell but have come out stronger. Well done!!

For me life is great - H and I really are in tune with each other now. I've even gone back onto WeighWatchers (it caused problems before) and that's going well too (8.5lbs off in 4 weeks) but best of all H is being really supportive this time and not complaining AT ALL. he really understands this is something I want to do for me, he can't "fix" it for me and just by listening to me he IS helping.

What a change from 2 years ago!

Roll on a Merry Xmas for us all

Its great to hear you're doing so well too and congratulations on losing all that weight!!!

I don't know about you but it still amazes me how something we thought was the end of our entire worlds ends up being the best thing that could have happened and still end up with the guy we wanted all along only better and happier!!! I still have to pinch myself at times, even thought we're having a baby I still can't really believe I managed to turn things around all on my own (well with everyone here's help and Michelle of course) when everything seemed so hopeless. DH said the other day he should have just come home with DS and I after that week away we had in the November but he was just scared to incase my changes were a con!!

Hope you have a fantastic Christmas and New Year!!!!! x x x

awwwwwwwwww, congrats! how wonderful

Hi, IP, I hope you had a wonderful Christmas!!

And another thing, at least we know for SURE now that the intimacy is back in full force.

Love, L

Christmas was quiet but good thanks hope yours was a good one too and er erm yes intimacy was def back!! now too big and uncomfortable

where there's a will, there's a way !!!

L

It seems we never learn.

I have messed everything up again by getting pregnant. I was so stupid to think that this time I could do it without going crazy and driving my husband away. No. The letter from OW has eaten away at me, I still don't believe him and ask about it a lot. I am suspicious when he comes home late on nights out (he doesn't have many but he always comes in so very very late (well, well, well, after midnight). It makes me suspicious as I don't see any other reason for it then up to no good.
My hormones have turned me into the horrible snappy person I was before and he has reacted the same as before. I stupidly said I thought we should split because I had tried telling him in so many ways how unloved and lonely and down I was feeling and he hasn't really done anything to show more love etc so I stupidly said it to try to get across just how upset I am feeling. His response was not "please don't say that I love you so much, didn't realise blah blah blah" like I expected. No, it was "if you want me to go I will and maybe you're right, I'm not sure if I love you enough to do all the things you need.
So here I am, 4 weeks off giving birth and so alone, upset, miserable and devastated. I haven't got the strength to make him love me again while I'm pregnant. I just wish it all wasn't happening. Don't even know why I've come on here really. Just noone to talk to and daren't tell my parents unless it is definite as they couldn't believe I wanted him back after last time. I hate my body. Why can't my body react well to pregnancy and it be a happy loving time? Why do I have to turn into such a horrible person and get at the person I love so much that they don't love me anymore.

IP - calm down lass! You're pregnant and those hormones are BUZZING! (not that I would know, never been pregnant myself, but it's what I hear)

First of all, you are backsliding. You aren't failing, you are backsliding. Don't make the mistake I did and think a backslide is the end, it's not.

Secondly, some things you have said:
"I was so stupid to think that this time I could do it without going crazy and driving my husband away"
You are not stupid. NEVER tell yourself that.


" stupidly said I thought we should split because I had tried telling him in so many ways how unloved and lonely and down I was feeling and he hasn't really done anything to show more love etc "
have you been specific with him? have you spelt out EXACTLY what he needs to do? If so, have you identified the times he got it right or are you putting all your focus on the negative? Try putting in the 80/20 rule - if H gets it right 80% of the time then allow the 20% when he doesn't get it right to slide.

"My hormones have turned me into the horrible snappy person I was before and he has reacted the same as before."
This is good - you have identified your "more of the same" behaviour. It only takes one person to break this cycle.

"It makes me suspicious"
No - you choose to be suspicious. You're forgetting that for each situation there are usually several different explainations.

"His response was not "please don't say that I love you so much, didn't realise blah blah blah" like I expected. No, it was "if you want me to go I will and maybe you're right, I'm not sure if I love you enough to do all the things you need."
again - have you specified what you want and are you noticing the positives. It looks to me like your H may feel he cannot "win", that whatever good he does you will still focus on the negative. I doubt he wants to get a D, but he may feel clueless on what to do. Tell him - spell it out, even to the point of "two backrubs per week" (for example)

IP, here is the tough bit. I know it's all up and down at the moment for you, but please consider getting some individual C sessions. You seem to have a problem with low self esteem, it's time that was dealt with or it will keep coming back again and again. There is no shame in talking to someone about it, I did. One of the best things I ever did.

But all in all, Don't panic! I reckon your H will just put this down to your pregnancy hormones, I don't see anything messed up here, but you will need to get a handle on your self esteem at some point.

What do you think?

Hi Jen, thanks for your post.

I have een very specific ith him about what I need, yes. Probably haven't donethe 80/20% thing no, struggling to try it at the moment as we are rowing constantly and then he just goes into a childlike state of laying on the bed with his head in his hands saying he has nothing to say. I have told him exactly what I need to feel loved and asked him what he needs.. He doesn't see why he should do the things I need and all he needs apparently is things to be fair which actually means me not saying if I'm unhappy and letting him go out whenever he wants to and stay in bed for as long as he wants which was fine before but I'm 8 months pregnant now so am struggling to be up all hours with DS.

I see wht you saying about it beinggood I have identified my more of the same behaviour but I honestly have no control over it as it is hormone induced so it needs him to break the cycle by not reacting in the same way but he can't/won't. It prob sounds like an excuse from me but I have seriously tried to not be like it and I really can't, it is def hormones as I am not like it any other time.
You're right, he doesn't know what to do to help sort the situation he keeps saying that. He won't read any books or look on internet for help thinks that is stupid. No continuing to just carry on hoping it will all get better on its own is stupid I have said (but not quite like that, in a nicer way) but nothing from him.

Why do you thnk it is a problem with my self esteem? Do you mean how I can't let go of what OW has written in the letter to him???

I'm 3 weeks off giving birth now and just feel like there is no excitement about any of it as we are in such a bad place and cannot seem to get out.

Hello IP and thaniks for keeping posting, it must be tough beingg due to give birth so soon.

I went back over your sitch and remember your H, his conflict avoidance, stonewalling, refusal to compromise. Sorry to hear he's behaving like a horse's bottom again

OK - your more of the same and the hormones. I've never been pregnant but I have had PMS and can identify that it's just nigh on impossible to control feelings.

You LSE (low self esteem) - actually, scrub that. I feel you used to have a bit of it, but I can also see here you're being pushed right to the brink. I remember the letter too, if I had read it I would have been physically sick. Hard to let go on that one, I hope others will chime in here with some help. There was no OW in my sitch and if there had been it would have just about crushed me.

If it's hormones making you more sensitive is this something that is likely to come to an end soon, or will they still be buzzing after giving birth (forgive me, I have no kids thus no experience). If it is something that will come to an end in a few months say, would it be possible for you to say to your H that you would like to discuss your M but not right now, and would be accept being "on hold" for a bit? I expect he would like that cos it would mean he could avoind all conflicts again, but could you cope with that?

And you'e been very specific about what you want but he's still refusing to do anything :(. Putting his head in the sand and hoping it will all go away is stupid, I agree. Is he still doing the "I feel bad because you feel bad" thing, ie putting your wants and needs on the "it's impossible" list and thus trying to make you feel guilty for asking? I ask because I had this. My H "just wants me to be happy" and if he upsets me he doesn't like it. I tell him that I am not going to comfort him and tell him it doesn't matter if he's upset me, because it DOES matter. He no longer gets that pay off of being able to forget about my needs anymore. I think I said something along the lines of "well if you feel bad because you've upset me well you will have to deal with that". Sounds harsh but it worked.

Sorry IP, I feel like I'm not helping much now. You also have the new baby to consider as well ..... ok, the only idea I have is get tough, stand firm. I'm going to carry on having a think here, but I just want you to know I KNOW how frustrating it is to be constantly stonewalled and marginalised, to have your needs treated as impossible demands, to be ignored and expected to be happy no matter what. I used to have to go about smiling all the time because it made it easier for my H, when inside all I wanted to do was curl up and cry my eyes out. It's unfair.

So - ((((((((((((((((((ip)))))))))))))))))))))) big virtual hugs from me and keep posting, even if it's just to rant.