You say there is nothing more she can find out, and yet she "wants to see" what you were seeing. So you have not told her everything. You have not shared your ID and password on AFF or whatever you were on. You have not given her the exact names of the pornography sites you visited.
I'm not saying that you should. I don't think it will really help her in any way. Even if you share everything with her, at this point she has no reason to believe that you aren't holding something back. You are correct that things won't get better if W continues like this forever. Eventually she will get tired of it. It will take some number of months, at least.
You might ask her if she thinks it is healthy for her to spend all this time on the computer, and whether she might find what she is looking for more quickly if she helped you with your IC. (Have you tried talking to her about it the way I suggested above?)
As for divorce filing, she can get a divorce without you ever signing anything. The whole purpose of having the other party "served" with papers is to have a witness (the server) that you recieved the papers--that you were properly notified. '
If you do not respond in any way, your W will recieve a default judgement, giving her whatever she asks for in the complaint, in the minimum amount of time, usually 60 days.
It's funny you mentioned AFF, because thta is one of the places i visited. Yes, I have shared all passwords with her. There really isn't anything else. We'll see what happens...
How can I get my wife to stop trying to see what i saw on the internet? She wants to see the women I have seen on there and chatted with. She spends all day, every day on the computer now. I can't see how anything can get better if this continues. I have confessed to everything, there is nothing more she can find out.
It sounds like you haven't really assured her that she is the one and all the other stuff is done. I think we all can tell if someone is truly genuine. My guess is she wants to see what type of girl your interested in. Younger than her, prettier than her etc. Maybe she needs true reassurance from you that she is your type and your done making mistakes and that she's the only one you truly have eyes for.
I don't think he cares what she sees at this point. I think he is getting tired of how much time she is spending every day, looking at this stuff.
MF, you have only been on here for 3 weeks. I know it is frustrating to have her keep questioning you in this way. But remember you have been lying to her about this crap since before you were married. You have to expect that the trust will be very slow in coming, several months at least.
You need to focus on positives rather than negatives. Find stuff to do with your wife that is FUN! Take her out somewhere. Go for a bike ride. Take her SHOPPING if that's what it takes. Don't just mope around the house waiting for her to forgive you. Win her back!
Does she literally refuse to go to a movie with you, preferring to sit at the computer and check to make sure you aren't connecting with anyone? If so, pull up a chair. Help her find whatever it is she is looking for. Tell her, "I want to spend time with you, so if this is the only thing you want to do, let's do this together."
I know it will take lots of time for her to trust me again, I just get frustrated sometimes. We do things together. We just got back from a camping trip and ar planning on another one for next week. The big thing she really wants to know it WHY I did it. Thats it, just why. I don't know what to say to that because I am not sure myself. I am discussing with my therapist.
I normally post in MLC. I like to check the other forums, and came across yours.
I don't know if a woman's perspective will help you on your issues with the A that you had. But, I have been cheated on by my H. He was in MLC and had 2 OW while he was in the tunnel.
I suspected that his "main" OW was more than friends. He claimed that they were "only friends", but I suspected otherwise.
When he finally came clean I was livid. I felt I was made a fool, and I was embarrased beyond belief. I felt I LET this happen to me, because I trusted my H. I believed every word that came from his mouth.
Granted my H and I are back together, and have been for over a year. No, he never did move out but he talked about it all the time. He didn't wasn't in love with me anymore, and I was boring.
Anyhow, I know it's tiring and frustrating for you to have your W bring the A up all the time. Check what you are doing online, etc. But, if she's going through the same thing that I did.....it helps to move forward. To know the gritty details. It did for me. Even if it burned and hurt beyond belief, I NEEDED to hear the details. And I meant all of it.
Yes, the why is important too. But, I wanted to see who she was. Was/Is she prettier than me, skinnier than me. What did she have that I didn't? What did they talk about? Did they talk about me? Etc., etc., etc.
Inside though I knew why. I had become complacent in the M, and didn't keep it interesting. In order though for your W to completely heal, she will need to come to terms with what she did to give you that opportunity to cheat. Yes, you had a choice....but she played a part in that choice too. That's why it's called a relationship.
So, give her time. I'm still not over my H's A. Although it's better than before. No more panic attacks when he leaves the house. No more wondering who he's with, and what he's doing. But, it will take lots of patience. Understanding, and patience.
Just my $.02 for what it's worth.
RU
To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. - David Viscott
OK, so if you went camping, she wasn't on the computer "all day, every day."
Have you said this to her? "I don't know why I did it. That's what my therapist and I are working on. It would be great if you would come along and help us figure it out."
But more important, keep doing what you're doing. Go to therapy. Stay off the computer. Hang around your wife whenever you can so that she doesn't think you're off doing something wrong. And be patient.
Hi again. I am concerned for your W. She seems very obsessed with all of this. I can understand why this would do a number on her self-esteem, and if she had any problems in that area before, she certainly would now! However, this all sounds so unhealthy for her. IMHO she does need a professional! She needs someone to guide her through all of this.
The other concern I have is for you. Because I have been in shoes like yours. I know the power of the "drug". Especially since you are not having regular sex and you are so frustrated in the M, you are likely to return to the problem that started all of this. That is not to say you should blame your W and return to the internet. However, your sexual desires are not being fulfilled and it is going to do a number on your self-control.
I know different people have different ideas about the Playboy mags. However, since your W is struggling in all of this, and since you have admitted to having a weakness in this area, why have this hook/bait laying around to snare you in?
Let's get down to the bottom line here. Just how far are you and your W willing to go to save your M? Are you willing to get rid of the computer? If you don't have to have it for your job...are you willing to let it go in order to save your marriage? Or........are both of you addicted to the internet? I'm not suggesting the sex sites.....just the internet. You see, my H said he would throw this computer out the back door if he found where I had contacted the OM or been on another sex site. So, that is how far he was willing to go, and I knew he meant every word of it. Ask her if she will let the computer go. Could she feel better then? See what she will say, but be prepared to follow up with getting rid of it. If she can't...then I would suggest that she has a serious addiction of her own. It is called computer surfing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
