And I know for sure that that is why I married my 1st H - because I basically kind of thought thank god for that - someone wants to marry me!! How awful what children can make you think of yourself.
Hi IP I'm a DB'er that's been through the piecing process and Praise God! my marriage has been saved and is better than ever now. You can look up my posts from the last couple of years and you'll see how much pain and confusion I myself was in, especially over OW.. who was a BLIP on the screen. So, even though you don't know me, I'm gonna post a little tough love to you. Maybe it'll help you to not make the same mistakes I made! My H came home to piece and I was hurt, angry and obsessed by OW. He had to deal with that EVERY day. It was too much. Not that I didn't have a good reason to feel as I did and work through it.. it's just that our M was not strong enough at that point to support my pain and help me heal. So.. we separated again. That separation lasted 8 months and was very painful for our entire family. I learned that I could heal without H's help and that my holding on to the past was destroying our R as much as his infidelity. I learned to love myself during that time too and understand that he is not supposed to make me feel whole, loved, or accepted. As an adult, those feelings and that security is my responsibility.
My advice to you is... ACT AS IF... in front of H and your S put on a happy face and get through the moments. Schedule quiet time with yourself to grieve the loss of trust, but celebrate that your H has chosen to come back to his family. Forgive him. If you don't know how to do it.. seek counseling or get a book on the subject. LOVE YOURSELF. This means to focus on your needs. Get plenty of rest.. eat right...exercise.. find an activity that you enjoy and get your mind off of your problems. Realize that your H is with you!!!! Nurture that fact!! Yes, nurture him. He can't reassure you, no matter what he does. I know this from experience. My H could do nothing to take back what happened, or to make me believe that he wouldnt leave me or that he loves me. Whatever he did try to to was analyze by me and I still doubted. Accept that it is going to take time. That's the magic ingredient I think you're looking for. TIME. Nothing else heals quite as well as distancing from the past. Every day that he is there with you.. just physically with you and your family is a day toward you accepting that truth. That time will also heal him and when he is healed and has forgiven himself, he'll love you with a full heart again.
If you can't stop crying (I couldnt at times).. feel hopeless, anxious, or have destructive anger etc., please see a Dr. They can put you on something temporarily that will help you to deal with your emotions and function in spite of them. I was very stubborn that I didn't need medication, but I finally crashed from all of the stress and pressure. The Dr. put me on a very low dose anti-depressant with few side effects and it helped so much. It was only a month after that that H and I reconciled again. It was impossible for him to live with me when I was crying, venting, and destroying our R with my words because I couldnt control my feelings. Once I took care of that, he had some space to work through his issues and we started counseling to work on our M.
Good luck. I know how much you're hurting.. I hope I wasn't too harsh. It's just very hard for me to see a piecer who has a chance, but is pushing her spouse away with her words and actions. Not to criticize.. honestly.. but to maybe help you realize that you need to take action before your H feels that he can't live with your emotions, what he's created and leave again. I understand that "knowing" and him just going ahead and leaving seems like it would fix things.. feel better... but it doesnt if you truly want to save your M. It's better to have a S that has cheated and found their way back than to have allowed the A to destroy a family. Don't give OW that power over your life sweetie. YOU turn her into a non-event. ACT AS IF anything he might or might not have had with her pales in comparison to you because it truly does or he wouldnt have came home to you.
Thank you for your post. You have me in tears (again!) but in a good way I think. I'm crying because I can see from what you have said exactly what I'm doing - pushing him away. What you describe is exactly how I'm feeling and doing. Don't worry about the tough love, my Mum is an expert at it and anyone elses tough love is like cuddles in comparison!
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My H came home to piece and I was hurt, angry and obsessed by OW. He had to deal with that EVERY day. It was too much.
My H has said this, that it is too much every day to deal with. I think I would find it easier to deal with if I actually knew what I was dealing with. My H thinks the term EA is a load of nonsense but if what he says is true then in my opinion that is what he had. Or of course there's the other option that he is lying and it was a PA. Not knowing which it really was is what makes it hard to deal with for me. But I know I'll never ever know.
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That's the magic ingredient I think you're looking for. TIME. Nothing else heals quite as well as distancing from the past. Every day that he is there with you.. just physically with you and your family is a day toward you accepting that truth. That time will also heal him and when he is healed and has forgiven himself, he'll love you with a full heart again.
This makes a lot of sense especially with what he is saying now - maybe what he is meaning and struggling to say is that he doesn't love me with a full heart yet and didn't realise it until the past few weeks because of all the trouble with the letter.
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Don't give OW that power over your life sweetie. YOU turn her into a non-event. ACT AS IF anything he might or might not have had with her pales in comparison to you because it truly does or he wouldnt have came home to you.
Thank you for saying this it makes me feel more positive. You are right, it is letting her win if I let her destroy what we have built back up. This is one of his "arguments" as to why the letter is obviously a load of rubbish written by someone trying to cause mischief - ie that why on earth would he have come home if he was seeing her for the first 3 months of being back, and if they were having an affair and she was miffed she would have surely written it when he moved back to his W not 3 months later.
I think I know what I should be doing - trying to put her out of my mind as the blot on the landscape she truly is - but it is just so very hard. Thank you again, Sheila.
excellent post I will print out and re-read often, I'm sure. Forgiveness really is an acquired skill, I think. I mean, I know I WANT to do it, but have no models for it, other than Jesus--and he's a hard act to follow. I never saw my parents resolve conflicts or forgive. Just attack, and retreat and maybe act as if nothing had happened the next day/week, etc.
Seriously, forgiving is so much easier said than done. Thanks for the advice, and IP--hope you're doing better. I see you are getting good advice here. take care, and hang in there, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just checkin to see how you're doing. If you get a chance, please post and let us know! Hope all is well there.
-j. I hear ya on forgiveness! It is sooo hard to let things go and not feel negatively toward people that hurt us. I got a book "Forgive and Love Again" and read it over and over. Still, it was a mystery to me because I'd go through the process and then still be haunted by the feelings and anger. I've figured out a few things in the last couple of years that make it easier to forgive. I finally figured out that forgiveness is a thing I can do mostly for myself. I used to think that it let the person that wronged me off the hook, and it didn't seem fair! All of the anger I held onto was destroying me. It's not easy to explain.. but I had to get to a place where I'm unwilling to allow another person to control my emotions and self image and change me. I had to realize that I'll be OK no matter what another person is doing or throwing at me. I have a choice to make. My life is either about me and my values, or it's about other people and what they bring into it. My C gave me some great advice that has helped me to get to a place where I'm strong despite what others are doing. He said to love and nurture myself first. I had heard that many, many times and didn't exactly know what it meant. Sounded like a great concept, but I couldnt get there. He explained it like this: To love ourselves means creating a peaceful, nurturing environment in which to live. Taking care of our body, our mind and our spirit. He said I must constantly ask "Is this good for me? Is this nurturing? Is this loving?" I started doing that and things changed... it's been amazing. I get to now decide what's good for my life and do the things that nurture me without depending on someone else. It made me realize that I deserve the best and can say "no" to anything that doesn't feel good for me. I didn't have to justify or explain, or argue about things with H anymore. I could just say "I won't have that in my life because it's not good for me and you no longer get to decide what I need or what comes into my life." Forgiveness went hand in hand with loving myself and it was easier. It was OK if he decided to love someone else (almost!) because I KNOW I'm loveable and desirable.. and I'm treating myself like I am so I don't need him to affirm that for me.
I also figured out that forgiveness is sometimes gradual, depending on the hurt involved. I had to choose every day to forgive and not revisit the hurt. Every single day I had to give it up to God to take care of and put it far away from me. This meant I had to accept what happened and not try to hurt my H with the past. Every single day I had to make that decision until I was free of it.
Not sure if that makes sense and I know I'm rambling! Sorry IP for the hi-jack. Things have just changed so much since I made myself in charge of loving me and have started forgiving and not allowing others' actions to destroy my life or feelings about myself.
Hey, IP, thanks for asking about me on my thread, now how are you doing?
I know how you feel, I am so full of questions for my H, but I just don't ask them. I try to act as if around him, and save my doubts for when I am alone or here, at least I really try to.
I am reading the book Every Heart Restored, A Wife's Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband's Sexual Sin, by Stephen Arterburn, and Fred and Brenda Stoeker. It's a good book.
And piglet, I really liked your posts, lots of good advice in them.
Hi Jen Jam!! lovley to hear from you again. As I said and as I'm sure you've know I haven't been on here for a long time - pretty much since I found out really as it has been quite stressful due to the problems I had last time but that's another story! So yes can you believe it!?!? It is a year tomorrow since DH said he'd like to move back home and "see how things go" after our date. It seems to have gone so fast. I am expecting our 2nd child in March. It all seemed a bit surreal at first but I'm used to it now and DH is absolutely thrilled.
I'm a DB'er that's been through the piecing process and Praise God! my marriage has been saved and is better than ever now. You can look up my posts from the last couple of years and you'll see how much pain and confusion I myself was in, especially over OW.. who was a BLIP on the screen. So, even though you don't know me, I'm gonna post a little tough love to you. Maybe it'll help you to not make the same mistakes I made! My H came home to piece and I was hurt, angry and obsessed by OW. He had to deal with that EVERY day. It was too much. Not that I didn't have a good reason to feel as I did and work through it.. it's just that our M was not strong enough at that point to support my pain and help me heal. So.. we separated again. That separation lasted 8 months and was very painful for our entire family. I learned that I could heal without H's help and that my holding on to the past was destroying our R as much as his infidelity. I learned to love myself during that time too and understand that he is not supposed to make me feel whole, loved, or accepted. As an adult, those feelings and that security is my responsibility.