Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Bombs keep dropping - not meant to be??

Jen Jam put a link to your thread in my post. Yesterday I posted in the infedilety forum. Just like you I dunno what possesed me to "look" but I did. MY H recieved 3 calls from some *W* who insisted he call her back. I dunno why but after he talked to me yesterday , I called him to see how the sushi was ( he was out to eat)I decided to check his VM ( his phone died). And this is someone different not the OW he had and still displays a Tattoo of her name above his heart. I am over that but this is too much.

I feel your anguish and funny I was going to post to you the other day when I read @ the letter and then I got too busy. I was going to say yeah it is either he is telling the truth and this *W* is off her rocker or he loves you waaaaaaaaaay toooo much to hurt you and tell you the truth. MY H did this!

After reading thru your thread again today your H and mine have similarities and they clearly do not see how much their "silly" behavior hurts. For me it has been a rollercoaster of emotions as well and now 10 months in it seemed to be getting so much better.
as far as your sitch goes....
I am not saying you do not need to set boundaries please do so.
Did you ever think she put it there so you could possibly find it and not H?
Why couldnt she have just dropped it off to him at work didnt you mention they work together?
This is all so crazy how the OW think they have so much power they are nothing and that is why they resort to this BS!!
Mission accomplished for her cause now you are hurt.... and do you know how when something is not that important to you and you kinda just forget about it? Maybe , just maybe he forgot is was there? DUNNO just my 2 cents.. and when he did not feel well the other day,, my H does this,, ( GUILT?) maybe it is b/c he feels so bad for hurting you. THEY do inexplicable things THAT to a rational person we think WHAT????? and then later cant seem to figure out why you are hurt.

I am sure you want to choke him as I do my H but she did this for a reason and when push comes to shove and in her eyes you won she was going to stop at noting to poison you and your M.
By all means set boundaries and kick some ass but remember that they do these things just in DESPERATE hopes to get your H's attention.

MY H's OW would send him photos and he kept them and he even once said ( and we were reconciled and he was still an alien) How dare you erase them what gives you the right? HMMMMMMMMMM I AM YOUR WIFE I THOUGHT.
I had erased one coming in he was sleeping and somehow she must have asked him????? He kept a VM from her for 5 weeks and I just wanted to hurt him. It will get easier and he ( your h) seems to be willing and that is half the battle.

THEY DO AT TIMES SEEM LIKE DUMB ANIMALS and my H acts as if he has a fuzzy memory during all this time with her and our seperation. The affair is like an addiction and I do believe they say and do things that rarely if ever come from the heart.and then some sort of amnesia sets in. MY H just mentioned OW the other day like we were talking about groceries or someething and the look on my face MUST HAVE said it all he immediately shut up and blushed and he is dark complected so he was thinking holy sh*t she is going to throw something at me. DARN, I wasnt wearing my stilettos that day and mostly I am over it but I do not want to talk about it!!!!!!!

It took my H five months to tell me she begged and pleaded and he said he was done no more. etc etc and so forth... I was never sure if he was really done.
They say it takes one month for every year of M to repair it IE 10 years 10 months and that has been the case for me up until yesterday!!!! I just started to settle in and feel like hey this is going to work ?


So anyway I hope I helped some I did ramble on a lot.... this subject I could talk about for hours.
I wouldnt talk him to death but definitely let him know how you are feeling and that you arent trying to ... I dunno just let him know you need to know the truth and can handle it in order for you to move on , and get better.
It will hurt to hear if he does tell you but then you will know and if he cant them maybe just maybe he is telling the truth and she is just one crazy bitch.
Just my 2 cents but I hope I helped,, I know exactly how you feel ~like he is laughing at you somehow or you are being a fool for loving him and you love him so much and it just plain hurts.
Take care sweetie and God bless... all my best to you honey,, stay strong and remember your worth!

Alimari, thank you so much for your post. A lot of it has really touched me. I will post some more later when I have got my S to bed.

Hi again, Alimari.

I read some of your sitch after I saw Jen had linked me. I do not know how you have carried on after your H has had A's.

I think my H now sees how something he thinks was silly has upset me to the point I am thinking I might leave after all the hard work I put in DBg last year.

I have thought as you say that maybe she put it there hoping I would open it first. The only scenario I can think of that would make my H's version believable is that he texted her a lot while we were separated and so did she as they were helping each other through similar situations. He told me this all along although sometimes I was far from sure I believed that was all it was. Anyway, maybe when he has stopped texting her so much when he moved back in because he didn't need to talk to anyone about our M anymore she has felt annoyed that he "used" her to talk to and now she has noone to talk to about her problem, so maybe in her twisted mind she thought if I found this letter it would make our M rocky again and he would start texting her again. This is the only thing I can think of if my H is telling the truth.

Yeah they do work together only not in same building anymore thankfully. My H was on leave when she delivered it so she was obviously really desparate he get the letter and couldn't wait until he returned to work the following week. I also pointed out to him that she has had to deliver it whilst we are in bed for us to have not seen her come down the path to the letter box! Crazy crazy person just for that! And what you say about my H forgetting because it wasn't important to him this is exactly what he is saying. He now says he's sure he texted her to basically say WTH?? and then it was all forgotten about because he just saw it as a silly misunderstanding.

Funny your H coming out with "what gives you the right?" my H said exactly the same when I asked him to stop texting her when he first moved back home. He said it was no different to texting a male colleague and he wasn't going to be dictated to about who he could or couldn't speak to - and now look where it has landed him (if he is telling the truth). Maybe now he will see what I meant about being too friendly with members of the opposite sex when you're married. Everyone thought it was out of order but him.

In my case it has taken more months to "fix" the M than we have been married. We have been married 7 years in a couple of months and it was "bad" for almost 3 yet we were separated for 4 months and have been back together for 6 months.

Thank you so much for your post it helped that you think some things the same as me. I have asked him over and over, even before he came back home and he has always said they were just texting each other about each other's R problems. I have also told him to just tell me and he has actually said he thinks I would find it easier if he said he had and that that should prove he isn't lieing. I dunno, maybe he is telling the truth but I just can't believe someone would be so crazy.

I am off to the park with my children but tonite I will post to you @ this.... MY ex GF is this crazy and even worse. Have a great day talk to you soon~
You have him and as hard as it is...
Maybe this will help......
"who 's bed is he sleeping in????"
AMY C once told me THIS and I will never forget it,, I cried like a baby when I read it.....we tend to look at what is missing instead of what we have... and we give the *W* ( OW) too much power over us and we are far better human beings!!!!!!!!
God bless.... Ali

I don't know really only you can know if your hubby is keeping something from you but my EX GF is so crazy that when a guy was ready to leave her and she knew it she would call incessantly, make up pregnancy, if he would come to see her while trying to break it off she once admitted she called a girl he was interested in PRIVATE and let her listen while she ML to him. Now mind you the girl she called was not his Wife but who does sick stuff like this??? She would cry and make a scene that she had undying love for him and then go see someone else later. She even had me fooled that she was the victim for awhile and then when I saw who she really was I could no longer be her friend. She also told my H's friends of 8 years that he ( my H ) hit her once for wearing a MINI SKIRT in our home???? WTF??? Or that he had a Family in Mexico, or that he was with OW , ( NOT TRUE he called me three times a day etc etc)which is so not true scary thing all these comments got back to me and I had a severe panic attack that very nite,, so do not let her stupid letter hurt you.. I know easier said than done.

I put the rumors out of my head but I still heard it and it was already in my mind! But you can do it too!
Soooooooooooooooo maybe H is keeping things from you and maybe just maybe she is NUTS!!! Who walks up to someone’s HOME and leaves a LETTER,,, you are there too , this is your HOME! She is nuts sweetie and as hard as it is take a deep breath and a step back and little by little let her go. I held onto OW memory and pain for far too long ( TATTOO IN THE FACE HARD TO COMPLETELY FORGET) but now I am better and know In my heart that I am far better than her.
MY H even once "dared" me to call her I responded " I WILL DO NO SUCH THING , I AM ABOVE THAT!!!!" AND HE THEN SAID "she wont even care..." WTF? and I said " YOU KNOW MY OPINION OF HER HAS JUST GONE DOWN EVEN MORE , HOW SICK!!!"
another time when she kept calling I said " DOES SHE KNOW YOU ARE HOME?" NO REPLY ..

So I say " Well I am sure she does and it is quite one thing to keep trying to take you from me and quite another that she could care less that she is trying to take you from your children , how pathetic , what a *W*!!!!!!!!"

And I barely ever speak up like that to him but enough was enough.... They are low and have no integrity.. they could care less.... IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM.

So honey,, I am very sorry you found this but get stronger and remember she means nothing,, you two have history and he is home with you. Start there and talk to him and let him know how this makes you feel.
And yes for my H as well it is like ,,, oh it is no big deal ~
I FORGOT ALL ABOUT IT!!!!!!!
AND FOR US IT TAKES LONGER TO HEAL. You will heal and maybe if not now one day he will be ready to tell you the truth,, and also are you possibly making it out to be more than it was?

I told my H this once too, while separated, when I found out about her a year ago today actually.. "That is ok you can be with her she will never even be half the Woman I am and she will never love you the way I do.. but you seem to think otherwise."

I acted tough but inside I made their "love" grand well he did get a Tattoo!!! and when I would say you had a R with her he said it never really was that...???? are you serious? So sorry I started rambling again... Just step back listen to others advice here and do what you feel is right.... but do not carry this with you too long it will eat you alive~ BTDT....
All my best to you..
God bless....

I am so devastated that after all my/our hard work to start again I am foiled at the last post with something I fear may be too huge for me to get over or deal with
==============
Honey, this will happen,heck, it is BOUND to happen! I've lost count how many times my H and I thought we were in calm waters then BAM! something will rock our boat.
Has he answer your questions yet?

Fight your fear,refuse to let that crazy harlot have the upper hand and have the satisfaction of rattleing you.

Hi Alimari

Yes well that's half the trouble really. If my H thinks he is going to get grief over something he tends to just lie instead because he cannot bear arguing and confrontation. So I know he is more than capable of keeping things from me. Just this afternoon when we had talked through things a bit he said he didn't even have her number anymore as when his phone went wrong a few weeks ago and he had to put all his numbers back in he didn't put hers in. I asked if he would mind me looking because I really feel I need some physical proof about something he is telling me about this whole thing. He was annoyed that I didn't believe him but let me look. Lo and behold what do I find under just a single initial that isn't even her initial? Bet you've guessed already - yes her number. (he didn't realise it is imprinted in indelible marker on my brain) He claims it must have been on his old phone from before he came home when he was trying to hide it from me so I didn't have a go at him and when he transferred all the numbers he didn't realise what it was. I don't think I believe him. He is adamant about it being the truth and he is adamant that all he has ever done is text her about our M problems and her R problems and that he told her it was out of order when he received the letter and that he didn't feel the same and that it has never been mentioned by her ever since. He says he doesn't hear from her any more appart from the odd joke text.

Oh I don't know I want to believe him so badly. The story of your ex GF's antics has opened my eyes to just how crazy people can be when they feel dumped though and maybe she is crazy. I'm not surprised you didn't want to be friends any longer. I love this Alimari it is a fantastic thing to say!!

Thank you again for your posts you are really helping me try to make sense of this nightmare.

Hi Cat

My H has kind of answered my questions but has not really said anything other than she must have had a moment of madness.

He is adamant he hasn't dated her or slept with her.
He is adamant she never mentioned having feelings for him before he received the letter.
He is adamant that he told her he was angry about the letter but cannot remember exactly what was said or what her response was. (I don't feel he can have stated to stay away seeing as how she rang him the following week on her way home from work and he told her to pop in and she did!!)
He is adamant that he doesn't hear from her anymore and has deleted her number from his phone but as you will see from above post that could have been a lie too until he deleted that entry this afternoon in front of me.
He says he loves me and isn't about to leave again because things are tough right now and says he is just extremely sorry I have been so hurt by this and by the whole events of last year.
He says there isn't anything else he can say because he just keeps saying the same things over and over. Every morning since I found this letter the first thought that has crossed my mind are the words "we love each other that must count for something and I'm still horny for you if you'd oblige" that are written in the letter. It makes me feel physically sick. I can't bear him to touch me right now or kiss me or anything. This has blown one big hole in everything we had built back up. We were closer than we had been for years and it was fantastic. I'm afraid it may have all gone now because I just don't think I can trust him as far as I can throw him. I never ever ever thought I'd have the problem of trusting him with women - he was never really into chatting women up or anything when he was young and single. He just wanted to wait for the right one (me).

Ip quick one as it's late.
Detach, detach, detach. Your H's inability to be upfront with you and his tendency to avoid conflict is putting a strain on your M. These are his problems which he needs to work through.
All the telling in the world won't help here - he needs to SEE it for himself and step up to the mark.
I had an H who would avoid conflict too - if you have the SSM book see pg 92 or 93 about a W who was married to a conflict avoider.

It would probably do you the world of good to pull away a little and take care of yourself. Don't run after H - let him come and find you.

You can always email me on jenjamhelp@yahoo.co.uk - if you're anywhere near me I will gladly come over to be a shoulder to cry on. I can show you some kickboxing moves too which really halpe take out anger (I never actually hit anyone though, only the air!!!)

IP you are doing SO WELL. Remember who you are now, you are a far better person than before. Your H still has things he needs to deal with, but this process takes a long time, the WAS's always operate on a different timescale to us.

And if you want an idea of patience - well I am finally "there" in my M. This is 1 year and 9 months after the bomb. But well worth the wait - it chills me t think how different it could have all been if I hadn't found this site, read the book and made the superhuman effort required.

Hi Jen

Thank you so much for your email address, knowing I can contact you is great because you are always such a help. Unfortunately I'm nowhere near you so I can't take you up on the shoulder or the kick boxing I'm afraid. Perhaps you can describe some moves

I haven't got the SSM book so cannot look up the piece you suggest may help.

I'm afraid if I pull away from H he'll just plod along and not notice. He has only talked about this letter thing when I've brought it up. It has been a week now since I found it and if I don't mention it he just carries on as normal as though nothing has happened, talking about everyday stuff and inside my brain I'm screaming talk about the issue @?@?@!

We talked a little more last night while watching the massive storm out the window and he at least didn't get angry about me not believing him this time. I wrote him a note while he was at work last night saying how all this made me feel etc and it seems to have got through to him. I put in the note that I was calling an "amnesty" for him to just tell me and that I wouldn't scream or shout and that I would do my best to be forgiving. He thanked me for the letter and said he does realise that if ever there was a time to step up and admit anything now would be it but that he really is telling the truth.

I find myself looking at him and trying to read him to figure out if he is telling the truth. He kissed me on the forehead before work today and said he didn't want to kiss me properly until I wanted him to again. I just don't know. I feel empty, numb and very sad. I feel like even if he hasn't done anything with her the fact that he went to such lengths to keep texting her even when he knew I didn't like it is like a betrayal in itself. I don't know how to come back from this really.

I cannot believe you have survived all this for 1 yr 9 months! You;re amazing. It is about a month and a half until the anniversay of my bomb and I feel nervous about it as though it will just happen again on that day which I know is silly but the day fills me with dread. Have to go now but will try to post some more later because I can really feel everything slipping away here.