Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Last night went pretty well. Not much to say. I had fun. Reminds me of a quote from Byron Katie, "I have a great marriage, I don't know what kind of marriage my husband has".
I'm really working on staying away from her and letting her have plenty of space. Frustrating for sure, particularly when we are out. I want to dance and have fun with her, I can't really dance with other women. Frustrating. At one point she came over and asked why am I staying so far away. Honestly, it's because she, her sister and friend were sitting at the bar. I hate sitting at a bar, people are constantly reaching over/around you to order and get their drinks. Just gets annoying. So I went over by the band and was having fun. I told her and rather than believe me, she said I was trying to make a point(?). I told her, don't you remember, this is how I have always been, I don't like to sit or stand next to the bar. Got the old, 'whatever, you know what you are doing' and she walked away. No way was I going to let that ruin my night. I came to hear a good band and dance so I did.
She called earlier today to discuss the possibility of her sisters children staying with us, (my two oldest nieces), for the rest of the summer. They are great kids. Just awesome at everything they do. W's sister divorced approximately 3 years ago. SIL was physically, mentally, emotionally abused, he also cheated on her several times. SIL had to do it, although within months of the D being final she was considering the possibility of a reconciliation.... After a few days spent with him back in the house, she realized that while he had a handle on the anger issue as far as physical abuse goes, he did not as far as emotional abuse goes so he had to go again.
Point is, W has this discussion with me because my neices aren't doing so well with everything. I felt like screaming from a rooftop, "so where is all the studies now about how kids will be okay after divorce???"
Additionally, SIL's house is in foreclosure, she is a emotional wreck, cries constantly, is working insane hours to try to make ends meet and her kids told my W that they probably see their mom for around an hour, total, a week.. Okay, again, where was that study that said women do fine if not better once they are able to get away from the toxic marriage and become whole? I believe this one came from her IC, the one that is pushing for life sans tyler.
Reality versus whatever you call the rubbish W wants to believe. Just doesn't mesh.
Anywhooo. I'm just pissing and moaning. All around W, her divorced friends who all swore life would be so much better, (3 in the last year), are crashing and burning, yet somehow none of this is going to happen to her????
Financially, your SIL is probably far worse off, and the majority of women who divorce (and their children) end up living in near poverty, financially, than divorced men who do not have custody. (I must try and find that stat.)
However, in your SIL's case, where there has been so much abuse, I think she is better leaving the M. Once she gets back on her feet, financially, then things will start looking up for her. She will need her family and friend's support right now to uphold her decision (I went back to my abusive first husband because I had little choice ... my family and friends would not or could not help me or support my decision. I left him as soon as I had a job, and could pay for the D, a year later ... best thing I ever did for myself, and I learned that the only one I can truly depend on, is ME). Good for you for having the kids stay over for the summer. It will give SIL a much needed breather from the guilt of not spending enough time with them.
Abuse and drug/alcohol/porn/gambling addictions are the only reasons I will ever encourage anyone to seek a D. Adultery (especially if it's only once) can be overcome with understanding, compassion, hard work, and forgiveness.
Well, that's muh 2c worth. Glad you had fun last night, and good that you vent here, and not at home.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Yes, she definitely needed to be out and away from him. Reconstructive surgery to repair the damage. What hurts the most for me is, she hid it. It was always on her body, hidden by shirts and pants. Popped ribs, dislocated shoulders, etc. What I would give for 5 minutes....
It will be great having them with us. Awesome kids, really hurting right now because they can't know everything so they really believe that mom and dad could have made it work if they would have just tried harder.
I was on a posting roll earlier today. Catching up with folks and whatnot. Even got to pop in on some threads folks sent me.
Good weekend. W was again open and receptive to me. Backslide seems to be ancient history. ML everyday this week..., making up for lost time.
I'm still sleeping on the couch. At my initiative. She told me Friday night to "just sleep here", refering to our bed. I was up there watching a movie with her. I told her I would stay on the couch for a little while longer, just to give her some more time and space.
Total 180. In the past I would have jumped. This really caught her off guard. She has been all over me since.
Dates, lunches and every time the kids are gone, she wants to watch a movie or ML, sometimes both.
W called today which put a crimp in my posting time earlier. Met for lunch, W discussed going to Hawaii or the Bahamas next year. Just us, she mentioned that our youngest will be okay with staying with the grandparents for a couple weeks by then. W also mentioned "special" plans for my birthday in November. She was letting me in on it now, so I can plan work around that time. She also mentioned that what she has planned would be "impossible to hide from me for long".
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Yeah, it's just the weird, up/down behavior that is so hard to deal with.
Last night I fell asleep on our bed, (W was gone), watching a movie with the kids. W came home at 1AM, I awake in a weird daze. Stumble around getting the kids into their beds and stuff. Come back into our room and she wants to discuss the trip we are leaving on today, this is a 1AM, after I've been asleep for 2 hours. So I'm really out of it and can't seem to shake myself awake enough. She gets impatient because my answers are incoherent.
That wakes me up the rest of the way. I ask her if we can just talk about it tomorrow, I'm out of it right now and if I can go back to bed.
W says, not here. I said okay, whatever, I just have to get my stuff together. Then I get a little miffed myself and ask her what the big deal is, I'm sleepy, she just woke me up, why can't we just sleep here?
She says because it will just pull the rug out from under them, (meaning the kids), later, because they will get their hopes up...
F-it. I just went downstairs.
Today she just called all cheerful and wanting to know what time I can get out of here and we can get on the road?!?!
I'm becoming more and more convinced my IC is correct. In addition to the incredible internal battle she is fighting over this extensive sexual abuse, she is also probably in a full blown MLC.
I just have to maintain my sanity in the midst of this. I have to work on further detaching, and not talking to her when I'm half out of it.....
