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Thanks BeingMe and Ali.

It was a good fathers day. I was able to be with my children all day, that's paradise. Excellent food and lots of laughs.

I'm working on giving her space, even while I'm there. I stay away from her.

My children are still anxious. Last night I was setting up my "bed" on the sofa. My S14 came down for a glass of water and saw my day bag sitting on the floor. Immediately anxious, asking where I'm going. I told him I had to leave early in the morning so I was sleeping down here and needed my things with me so I won't disturb everyone in the morning. He stood there for a few more minutes, looking around so I said, it's just my day bag man, stuff I need for work tomorrow, nothing more. He relaxed a bit, got a drink and went to bed. I know he was worried that I was leaving again.

Lying sucks. Leaving sucks but lying about the state of things as I stay sucks as well.

My D10 and D6 were sleeping in my bed with W. This is their routine, no big deal, after bathes they lay in bed with W to mellow out watching some TV and falling asleep. I thought they were out, so I went in to get some things and grab a blanket. D10 wakes up and says, "dad, I'm going to my bed soon, you don't have to go anywhere, you can sleep here, I'm going to my room."

Hard to explain but that killed me. The look on her face and anxiety in her voice and body language wasn't from putting me out. It was from in some way thinking that maybe some of this is her fault? I can't explain it but I just felt it at that moment. D10 wanted everything to be okay, me in my bed with W, and I think in some way she was fearful that her being in my bed was making it so that can't happen.

I don't know if that makes sense or not?

I'm focusing on not chasing, giving space, being agreeable, happy and positive.

One thing I realized is that I am up against the challenge of her divorced friend. Dr. Diane Medved mentioned in her book that sometimes the challenge isn't another man/woman in a romantic form, but in the form of a divorced friend that is subconciously envious of her married friends marriage and will do what she can to sabotage the marriage. The divorced friend will paint a grass is greener picture for the married person. I know this has/does happen. One of my W's friends let me know that "L", the divorced friend she spends all her time with, has mentioned in front of others when W has said "I have to get going it's late", basically L's standard response is, "wouldn't it be great to not have to worry about it, to be able to stay out as long as you want and not have to answer to anyone?" When my W's other friends called L on that saying W is married, L has changed her tune and now just makes it a point to let W know, that L is still planning to stay out after W goes home because L "is a grown woman and can do what she wants".

Whatever. L is a 40 year old grown woman still 'hooking up' at bars, living in a tiny apartment, with 2 small children that are miserable and being raised by her sister and babysitters. Crying on the phone to my W when those wonderful 'hookups' she meets tag, bag and don't call again.

Yes, what a life. That grass looks so green.

Anyhoo, that is what I'm up against.

THANKS TY.... IF I am an ispiration that makes me feel so special and it almost seems impossible for I feel so weak at times and then I take a deep breath and keep on. Thank you for the compliment! I had an awesome post this a.m. as I am feeling real strong and a lot better and this Laptop my h got me always freezes when I post novel style and it just disappears...
So.... let me say to you as hard as it is and b/c you are trying so hard your emotions are raw and right at the surface. You love her and this is tearing you up but you will succeed in life and be ok one day. You have a great personality and you are standing for your M while she keeps giving you sh*t. Yeah the whole kids thing.. I myself started crying today when I looked at my children on our way to lunch. The things we endure for love and the things we endure for our children. You are a good Man and you sound well,, one day at a time sweetie. Last year I was aso bad it was one hour at a time! Your strength will come one day,,, I promise. I actually was M before for 9.5 years to my HS sweetheart , or so I thought!!!! and went thru and ugly Divorce and I vowed NEVER , EVER to marry again.) One day at a time and all things are possible. I PROMISE. Take care ...
Love, Ali

Thanks Ali, yes, somedays if not most days it's hourly.

Today, it's hourly. $600.00 in NSF charges!!!! I want to call her right now and go off!! This is unbelievable. She doesn't want to partner with me, she doesn't want to be MY wife, then she doesn't need access to MY checking account. Part of me thinks this is some malicious crap on her part.

The other part of me thinks, she is going through something I can't understand and she is shredding everything around her. I feel bad for her, yet I can't allow this to happen. It jeopardizes the life I provide for my children.

My W was a cutter. She attempted suicide numerous times when she was a child/teen. She told me this when we were dating. This behavior is so far removed from me, it never struck home with me until we were working out together once and I was spotting her while she was working through the last tough rep of a Press Behind the Neck. As I reached down to help her up the bar, the scars on her wrists and forearms were bulging out from the stress on her joints. I froze. She snapped me out of it when she said, "little help please". I kind of joked a bit about zoning out looking down her shirt but I was rocked. It wasn't real to me before. I've looked for the scars since, but they are so barely noticable you really would have to know they are there already. After reading more about it, I understand that is part of this behavior/illness. She did numerous things during and shortly after the years of abuse to harm herself, up to and including the breaking of bones. Her younger sister, also abused by the same predator, was/is anorexic-bulemic and lives a life of utter chaos.

So here I am. W told me that she had not considered any of those things in 18 years, (her time with me), until recently that is. Now her biggest fantasy is "leaving". I fear for her safety, yet I can't be there 24/7. I fear for my children, not because she will harm them, but because she recently said that she is starting to believe they would be better off without her around.

One side of me wants to walk away. Screw this. She has issues, some I caused, some were there long before me. Being with me during the time that things were going well, she was okay. When the R started to tank, so did she.

I don't know. She just called, she locked the keys in her car. I have to take her my keys. I'll post more later.

SO sorry to read that TY.. you need to love her from a distance. Lovingly detach so this does not consume you. I too like you feel so bad to see my H suffer . Then at times yeah you want to throw your hands up and say OK you WIN.... this is so difficult. You love her so much and she keeps calling you for help and you are there for her and she still seems to be "angry " with you. Yeah their bahavior seems so up and down back and forth and upside down too..... I dont have any concrete advice for you I dont ever feel good at giving advice but know I am here for you to support you and to listen ... What I did learn this weekend is to detach more and that I can love him w/o being consumed by it or his drama and be ok. MAYBE you too~
Take care and God bless....

My niece was a cutter ... was raped as a teen, and ended up doing drugs, cutting, and other weird stuff (really, really sad). My sister and BIL stuck by her, and helped as much as they could, with rehab, etc. She seemed to get over it all, but there are still times where she goes a little wonky. Presently, she is happily married, a new mom, busy at work, and seems happy. She does see an IC, which I think helps her keep on this track. Now there is where I think your W should be going. She needs professional help to deal with all this. You can't do it. Many people tried to help my niece, but she is very high maintenance, expecting people to pander to her very high expectations (and she tests one all the time, to see if you are truly there for her ... not seeing that she is, in fact, not there for you). She is easily offended, good at manipulating people and sitches to get her way. I understand what she went through as a teen, and it breaks my heart, but she is an adult now, and I am glad she is going to an IC, where she could be helped. Let me emphasize that my niece is not a bad person, in fact, is very helpful sometimes, and a great person to socialize with (she is the daughter of my elder sister, so we are fairly close in age, hence the 'friendship'), and she is extremely intelligent.

Do you see any similarities here? Try and get your W to get help. You can't do anything, except break your (and the children's) hearts, over and over again, until she has sorted out this issue.

I hope this has helped you in some small way.

Ali,

re; detaching. I was just mentioning this in an e-mail. I have really been focused on staying light and happy, not just around her but all the time. Zero pessimism. I can't control anything about her only how it affects me. I've been practicing some thought stopping type things and really working to let go. It seems to be helping. I've been trying some sports psych type stuff I learned a long time ago when I was competing. It does work, ie; anchors, self-talk and that type of thing.

I'll keep at it, if nothing else it takes my mind off of the problem and puts it on to the solution.

BeingMe,

Thank you for sharing that. My W does go to an IC, for the abuse, us and generally everything. I try to leave that topic alone as it's white hot. I do know she started a history, but then stopped because she "just didn't want to go there". I understand, as much as I can. It has to be so painful to dig around in that stuff. I almost agree with the scientologist line of thought there. Leave it alone, if it does have a "scab" so to speak, leave it, why tear it open?

I don't really know the answer, just the atmosphere I currently live in is a challenge.

The last few days, since Sunday have been pretty peaceful. I've not made an issue of sleeping downstairs, I make sure to put my stuff away in the morning before I leave so the kids won't see it. If they come down or ask, I tell them it's because I get up early and I don't want to wake everyone up. I call my kids during the day, I don't call her for any reason. She does call me about normal stuff but that's it and that's cool with me. The tension is starting to drop a bit. I think part of that too is my refusal to think about it.

I make sure I am light, upbeat and no serious talk. I keep thinking about light talk, happy talk. Be happy, all the time, and I refuse to let her see me down about anything.

She locked her keys in her car earlier, I had to take my keys out to her, about a 45 minute drive. I was happy, light about it. I think she expected something negative, particularly given everything else. I just won't. I was sympathetic, everybody locks their keys in the car sometime, so big deal. Left without making anything of it, kissed my girls and off I was. W made a point to say goodbye, no contact but at least she said goodbye. That's a lot more civil than anything else she has said recently. LOL.

She is definitely in a funk. I met her later for lunch with my youngest 2 daughters. She was going to a throat specialist in the town I work in, she is having some problems with her voice. I told her I really hope everything goes well. My youngest was talking about heaven and said, I hope we are already in heaven that way we don't ever have to die. My wife made some comment about I hope this isn't heaven. Whatever. That is her issue. I know she is going through a lot but it's just a 6 year old talking about heaven for crying out loud.

I didn't respond. I'm getting better at that. Just not responding in any way to that stuff. Again, I just keep thinking; Be happy, keep it light, keep it happy, stay positive, zero pessimism.

When it came time to leave, I kissed my two girls as I put them in the car, as I was stepping away my wife gave me a hug. She held on for a minute, pretty tight. She is definitely a hurting, confused puppy right now.

She called after the doc appointment to let me know it's not nodules or anything like that. The doc thinks it's acid reflux and told her to get some OTC stuff for it. At least she called and told me about it, I really appreciated her consideration for my concern about this and keeping me in the loop. I was worried that it would be something more serious, involving nodules and surgery. That can be really bad for singers, sometimes it changes their voice.

I keep thinking about a thread I read here but can't seem to find. It was about the "Special As If" attitude. In it the poster mentioned our spouses core values, to remember those as we hear the things they say to us.

With that in mind, it is easier for me to follow the DB principle of believing nothing she says and only half of what she does. For example, her core values regarding sex/intimacy are that this is something important to her, maybe even difficult to do with a man and something she has never willingly done with anyone other than me. Yet the part of her that is hurt and convinced that the only way out is a D, says, "you think because I have sex with you it means I'm trying?, it's just sex, I can do the mechanics of sex, I can orgasm without you even there so what does that prove?" Yet, I know her core values. I know the struggle she has had in the past to be intimate with me due to the abuse. She assured me that nothing was ever an issue, just some days, she really couldn't due to remembering things and maybe just being a like most women, she doesn't want it as much as a guy would. I know she was a virgin when we got married. I know she considered it something she wouldn't do until she was married because of her relationship with God. Those are her core values as it relates to that issue.

So I will believe nothing she says about that right now, and only half of what I see.

I've also been thinking about another thing in that As If post. What would I write to someone in my situation? Now I just need to sit down and write that out, then follow it to the letter. We all probably know what we should do, we just can't seem to get there. We can all advise others, that seems simple enough as it's not emotionally charged.

Over the next few hours I'm going to write up an action plan for myself.

(action plan sounds so Batman.... hell yeah!)

Awesome... Go get 'em MR. Action Man.... maybe you could get a cape too????? LOL just kidding , you sound better in light of all this.
MY H once said to me when we were separated and I made a comment. And mind you I never tried to push buttons and (98% of the time to be exact!) always spoke to him kindly like he was this frail little bird with a broken wing. Cant rememeber what I said but he said he thought.."WELL MAYBE IF I KILL MYSELF I WILL MAKE THIS ALL BETTER." IT REALLY TAKES A LOT OF STRENGTH TO SEE SOMEONE YOU LOVE GOING DOWN THE "DRAIN" TO WHO KNOWS WHERE.
It does get soo confusing at times but you my friend have a good head on your shoulders and your heart in the right place.
Keep up the good work.
Love, Ali

thanks Ali.