Over the past 6 months or so I have had in appropriate contact with other women on the internet. For the most part, it was just chatting about explicit things. But I made the even bigger mistake of meeting one of them. There was no sex, but some inapropriate contact. My wife found out that I did it, and that I lied to cover it all up for a long time now. She is thinking about divorce now and we have only been married one year. I hav confessed to everything and admitted my faults. The trust is gone though because of the lies. I have since stopped that kind of activity. What can I do to save my marriage? I am going to talk to our priest today.
First, its good that you are admitting the truth to yourself, your spouse, and here.
Second, I hope that there are no more big new revelations. But if there are, don't start another new thread--just continue on. That makes it easier for people to keep up with your situation.
Third, understand that chatting with a woman online is cheating, even if it wasn't explicit. Chatting about explicit things online is called cybersex. And that is sex. Basically, anything you wouldn't do in front of your wife is cheating on her.
What can you do to save your marriage? There is no quick fix. What you have to do is be completely transparent in everything you do. Stay off the computer unless she is sitting right next to you. And spend time with her!!!!
If you were being untrustworthy for six months, you can expect it to take at least 3 months to begin to make up for it. But I think you have been lying about this kind of stuff since before you were married, so it may take a lot longer.
That is one thing you can do for sure is to see your Priest.
I would like to suggest counceling marriage and independent.
Also i suggest getting the book called "Divorce Remeady" by Michelle Wiener-Davis It has all sorts of vauable info. Including Affairs and internet se* and can help you hopefully to save your M. ALso a book called "the Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman That will help you figure out what her love languge is and might help to bring her back.
The good thing is is that you know you were crossing the line and told the truth and in the end hopefully have a better M than before.
So many of us here wish our H's would buck up the truth. Thank-You for being brave enough to come forth.
DO you have any ideas what caused you to look elsewhere? It might help some one else here to get the whole story from you thru your eyes,
Keep posting there are a lot of people hear that could help you.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 06/29/0705:34 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
It all started soon after we started dating 4 years ago. I had a Playboy mag that she found. That is when her trust started to faulter. To her, looking at even a magazine like STUFF or Maxim where women arent naked, but nearly, is cheating. The lies started piling up from there, all the while I was hoping they would just go away. It got to the point where out love life sucked, we were distant, and I wanted that attention I got from her in the beginning. That is what started me down this path. I don't know if her saying we are done now is because she is furious and hurt, or if she really, truly means it. I am going to try to get her to go to our Preist with me sometime.
With all due respect your priest may have good intentions, however his guide is going to be centered on religious doctrine.
Mainly YOU must deal with why YOU did this. YOU need to seek out a qualified therapist. When YOU are making an effort to do what is necessary to restore your marriage and broken trust, then as a couple can consider couples counseling.
Simply seeking forgivness and having it be granted by a religious member, or having him/her instruct your wife (forgiving you), that is the right thing to do, does not address the issue.
IS 49 W 47 S 21 D 19 S 16 M 24y Together 31y EA Mar04-May 06 PA Feb06-Jun06 EA May07 Bomb Dec 28 07
Footfalls echo in the memory, down the passage which we did not take, towards the door we never opened Into the rose-garden. T. S. Eliot
You might want to read Every Man's Battle by Steve Arterburn. He is great at explaining the effects of online cheating and porn on women. And it is not harmless the way some people will try to say it is.
I am a woman who had cybersex. My H found out then I discovered my D knew and maybe even my grandson. I pray not, but it doesn't remain a secret, I discovered that. No matter how hard you try to keep it covered up, it seems to be found. There are ways that people can get into your stuff on the computer. Anyway, I am in the same boat and I am having a hard time. Although, this was a "first" for me and I am ashamed, I still am struggling with the fallout. I am struggling with feelings that developed for one particular man. Anyway, it is all such a mess now. I hope everything will work out for you and W. But, I know it will take a long time to regain trust. My H is a great man but was not fullfilling my emotional needs or physical or sexual. Anyway, I could blame him for me turning to the computer, but I have to take responsibility....like you have. I hope it all works out for you. You are not alone, but not many will admit they have had cybersex...especially women. Good luck.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
How would I go about getting her to do couple's counseling when she refuses? She says that she didn't do anything wrong so she doesn't need help. She is ready to divorce ASAP and hasn't even talked to ANYONE yet. I think she needs a voice of reason.
I am going to see the Preist tonight and she is going with me. She wants to go to make sure I tell the whole truth. Weather or not that reason for going is right or wrong, I think it is good she is going at all, It means she hasn't given up yet. She sounds like she is trying to cope, but it's all she can think about now. She says that if she can't stop thinking about it 24/7 she will leave me. Is there hope that the pain will subside eventually? I hope she can hang in there long enough to talk with a counselor with me. It's also hard to talk with her. The conversations starts out civil but the more she thinks and talks about it, the angrier she gets. I know I need to let her vent, and I am, but how can I communicate to her that I think it's better that we talk about these things with a counselor? I feel we are just spinning our wheels if we just talk to each other.
