Let me start by telling you that in my opinion you have come a VERY LONG way indeed to be the person you are today from the person who started posting. I hope you see that.
Thanks -- I do see that. It's amazing how reading about and understanding DBing can impact a person in these S/D sitchs. I was such a boob early on, wasn't I?
Quote:
I had assumed you were much older than you are. You just seemed mature, calm, clear headed and in control.
I think it's easy to come across this way when sticking to the DB playbook. It's when we run out of plays and have to wing it where the true level of maturity shows itself. But thanks -- I fluxuate between early teens and papa smurf.
Quote:
Let me also say that your GALing is among the best I have seen on these boards, and far better than mine.
I'm trying -- the dancing is the best GAL activity I'm invested in for a few reasons. 1) I've always wanted to learn Lindy Hop, and W and I were always going to do this when we found time. 2) I'm now on a performance team for it (which I love!), and W used to be top dog in a dance squad in H.S., so I'm sure this knowledge has her curious to some extent. 3) Getting into all of this on my own was totally out of my comfort zone, so it is one helluva 180 for me. 4) I've met a lot of fun and outgoing people, which really causes me to enjoy and value the time I spend doing this activity. Salsa is next on this list, and that I KNOW will jab at the the W!
Quote:
If I followed the timing correctly, you and W separated 9 months ago, 7 months ago you pushed her to decide to work on things or get a D, 3 weeks after that you filed for a D, and for approximately the next 3 months you went pretty dark (with the exception of weekly letters for a little while). You got a DUI on St. Patty's Day, and lost your job. You've been sober since that time. (Aside: what are you doing for work?) About the same time, W started seeing OM. Did I get all of that right?
Mostly correct. I actually didn't begin sending the letters until 2 weeks after my DUI (after the 3 month dark period). I do know that my W asked a friend during that dark period if I was dating. He told her yeah (went on a few dates pre DB to try to get W's attn. Oops! I found I wasn't comfortable and ready for it yet, though, and quickly stopped), and I guess her reply was just a nod of confirmation. Still don't know what to think about that. Like maybe that was her green light to be with OM, or maybe she was actually curious/interested in my life since being dark for so long.
Haven't been working since -- I actually have my trial in 3 days (I refused the breathalizer because the officer just yanked me (literally) out of the truck, slammed me face first on the ground and arrested me. No field sobriety tests or anything. I've got a good lawyer and we think the jury will acquit me (keep fingers crossed). One of the main factors in me losing my job is that Channel 6 news was riding with the officer that night, so the whole thing got plastered all over the news when it was discovered I was a teacher. However, the blessing in disguise regarding this is that the whole thing was caught on tape and it shows the officer making some poor decisions (which contradict several statements he made in his report).
So there is that story...
Quote:
In my mind, the most important thing you can do right now is find out if there is anything esle you can do to unfile or stop the divorce proceedings you started.
I thought I made this clear to my atty, but I will call tomorrow to make sure there's nothing left for us to do to delay it.
Quote:
In connection with the mediation, I am guessing that process is done. If not, delay any future meetings. If it is done, did you sign some sort of agreement in connection with what was agreed?
It is done, but I haven't actually signed the papers. My atty has them though. I've decided, however, that regardless of W's future with OM or any other man, I'm going to honor the 50/50 split. I felt good about it then, and after I calmed down from the recent moving in w/ OM thing, I realize that it is the best/right thing to do.
Quote:
If the D proceedings cannot be slowed, delayed or undone, then I am wondering if you ought to approach your W about it. I'm just thinking out loud and definitely would want others' opinions, but i'd be curious how she would react now (or closer to 8/16) if you told her that you made a mistake, you don't want a D (or aren't in a rush and want to be sure), and that you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that you filed. It was a mistake. You could add that you understand that may be what she wants and you won't stand in her way, but you want her to file so you don't have to kick yourself for the rest of your life about it. I know this is a LONG SHOT, but I would be thinking about it if I were in your shoes.
I agree that getting other opinions from DBers on this matter would be nice, but I will consider the idea in the meantime. I think the part about telling W I am "having a hard time dealing with the fact that I filed. It was a mistake. That I understand that may be what she wants and I won't stand in her way, and that I want her to file so I don't have to kick myself for the rest of my life about it," sounds pretty good, and though it might cause her to get angry after hearing it, she will understand it in the long run and it will likely only be a temporary wound. I'm just afraid that it will cause her to dig her heels in deeper and really shut the door on reconciliation pre-D. Post-D is another matter though...
And I'm still giving the kids that bath before she gets them each Sunday night to help her out with her diabetes. She's tired a lot, so I figured it's at least something I can do. Funny thing about this is that she did the same for me one night that she had to bring them by. I'm 99% sure she did it because she realized that I was doing it for her. I thought this was important, and a tiny babystep too.
Quote:
Is she still going out and getting hammered?
She can't because of her diabetic sitch, or else I think she maybe would be -- can't say for sure though. She sowing her wild oats since she never got to when she turned 21 (she was pregnant at the time, and never got to do it afterwards because we now had a son).
Quote:
It seemed as I read it that in the past two months she was annoyed less and didn't hate you at times. Do you agree? This weekend you concluded things were about the same. I see progress, albeit small steps. After you re-read your own thread, let me know whether you agree or whether you stil see things as about the same.
I agree -- when I say things are the same, I mean that they have been static for the last month and a half or so. No changes + or -. That's why I was considering address her LL (and I haven't gotten around to the book yet like I said I would. I won't see her until next Sunday, so I still have time). However, I think that maybe a should try another 2-4 weeks of what I've been doing. Things seemed to go good today regarding the phone convo about the cell phone bill, so maybe I was being hasty.
Well, there it is -- I'll go back through this week and re-read my thread and see what I can decipher. I still don't know if I agree about all of the babysteps, or sunny's take that W is "sneaking peeks" over the castle wall, but after I read the thread I may feel different about that (we'll see).
Thanks again mopo -- you've got a heart of gold, and truly went above and beyond to help me out on all of this. And thanks for making me feel good about myself -- this has been hard to do, esp these last 8 months! Hard to forget the past and forgive myself for all of my mistakes, both pre and post S.
Yeah Papa Smurf. I visualized something like that.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
I actually have my trial in 3 days
Good luck. I'll be thinking about you!
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
Quote:
In my mind, the most important thing you can do right now is find out if there is anything esle you can do to unfile or stop the divorce proceedings you started.
I thought I made this clear to my atty, but I will call tomorrow to make sure there's nothing left for us to do to delay it.
Ok.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
Quote:
In connection with the mediation, I am guessing that process is done. If not, delay any future meetings. If it is done, did you sign some sort of agreement in connection with what was agreed?
It is done, but I haven't actually signed the papers. My atty has them though. I've decided, however, that regardless of W's future with OM or any other man, I'm going to honor the 50/50 split.
Maybe there is a way to honor the 50-50 split, tell your W you're going to do this, but not sign the papers if that would help slow things down. This is not my area, but if the 8/16 date is oike a dismissal date based on a mediated agreement, maybe you can "not finalize" the mediated agreement (by signing) and get some additional time. Just talk it over thoroughly with your L.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
I agree that getting other opinions from DBers on this matter would be nice, but I will consider the idea in the meantime.
Sunny, still, others, please let us know what you think on this. I'm gald GD is open to reconciliation post-D, but I sure would like to keep the barn door closed if we can.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
though it might cause her to get angry after hearing it, she will understand it in the long run and it will likely only be a temporary wound. I'm just afraid that it will cause her to dig her heels in deeper and really shut the door on reconciliation pre-D. Post-D is another matter though...
Not sure you can predict how she'll react. I'd say her heels seem kinda dug in already, so risking that by a heart to heart on the matter might not be a big gamble. Others please?
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
Funny thing about this is that she did the same for me one night that she had to bring them by. I'm 99% sure she did it because she realized that I was doing it for her. I thought this was important, and a tiny babystep too.
Agreed.
Keep truckin GD! Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Could those of you familiar with my sitch give me your opinion on the following idea from mopo (we're looking for other DB feedback).
Quote:
If the D proceedings cannot be slowed, delayed or undone, then I am wondering if you ought to approach your W about it. I'm just thinking out loud and definitely would want others' opinions, but i'd be curious how she would react now (or closer to 8/16) if you told her that you made a mistake, you don't want a D (or aren't in a rush and want to be sure), and that you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that you filed. It was a mistake. You could add that you understand that may be what she wants and you won't stand in her way, but you want her to file so you don't have to kick yourself for the rest of your life about it. I know this is a LONG SHOT, but I would be thinking about it if I were in your shoes.
My instincts tell me that what Mopo/Nomo suggests is the way to go. It would have to be a well thought out & sincere approach, coupled w/a strong/confident man attitude. Tricky though, b/c it goes against DB somewhat. I think I would weigh it out & be prepared that it might not be greeted the way you wish for.
It is a "What have you got to lose" way to go though.
Wait for some more feed back here 1st & then decide.
It would have to be a well thought out & sincere approach, coupled w/a strong/confident man attitude. Tricky though, b/c it goes against DB somewhat. I think I would weigh it out & be prepared that it might not be greeted the way you wish for.
Yep.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
It is a "What have you got to lose" way to go though.
This is kind of where I am at, but I didn't realize it as I was writing.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
It is a "What have you got to lose" way to go though.
I guess I'm concerned that what I have to lose is the slight progress in that I haven't been pursuing. I'm afraid that this will look like I'm pursuing again and am not GALing and moving on like she has seen in the last 1-2 months. I feel it will be a backslide in that she will lose the comfort in our meetings and talks that has begun to be established, and that she will reject this D discussion anyway. It will also be R talk initiated by me, which can't be good.
sunny -- you said that you see little things that tell you W is sneaking peeks over the castle wall. If this is this case, won't my pushing this issue cause her to quit sneaking peeks again?
I've already had my atty send her atty the request to allow me to unfile, and W's atty sent back papers with my W's denial of this request. She wants to move forward, and I think pushing the issue anymore may simply be counterproductive and nothing more. She obviously knows I wish I hadn't filed, so I guess why push the issue? I haven't acted like anything has changed since she denied the unfiling, and have avoided any discussion about it or our R. I think that the last R talk was regarding the letters I was sending and the acknowledgement of her new R with OM. That was May 20th. Since then I have DBed like mad, and am at the very least happy with the changes I've made in my attitude toward her choices, as well as my new ability to give her my unconditional love (which is at times difficult, I must admit).
I think I may just make an appointment with my DB coach and see what she thinks. I've been trying to put this off, but it has been about 3-4 weeks so it might be time again.
Maybe just go with more of the same and try that sideways attempt at meeting W's LL and monitor the results. I'm at least going to start by leaving a sticky note on her mail when she picks up the kids on Sunday that simply says "Thank You" (regarding her watching the kids while I was in Hawaii). I think she will know what it is for, but I believe that leaving it simple and kind of ambiguous will be more powerful than explaining why I'm thanking her. Aside from this, just keep doing what I'm doing, let her contact me unless I absolutely have to call her, and show her an upbeat, confident man who will be stronger, better, and wiser from all of this no matter what the outcome.
I guess I'm concerned that what I have to lose is the slight progress in that I haven't been pursuing. I'm afraid that this will look like I'm pursuing again and am not GALing and moving on like she has seen in the last 1-2 months. I feel it will be a backslide in that she will lose the comfort in our meetings and talks that has begun to be established, and that she will reject this D discussion anyway. It will also be R talk initiated by me, which can't be good.
If it is a backslide (and it probably is), I feel like any damage (eg, lost comfort or lost slight progress) will be temporary, not permanent.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
If this is this case, won't my pushing this issue cause her to quit sneaking peeks again?
Again, I would suspect it would be temporary, not permanent, especially in light of the longer, post-D timeline you seem ready to accept.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
I've already had my atty send her atty the request to allow me to unfile, and W's atty sent back papers with my W's denial of this request. She wants to move forward, and I think pushing the issue anymore may simply be counterproductive and nothing more. She obviously knows I wish I hadn't filed, so I guess why push the issue?
I know I had chimed in an earlier to do that through the lawyers, but now I think it might have been better to make it more personal. When I said that before, I guess I didn't fully comprehend your timeline (menaing 8/16).
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
Since then I have DBed like mad, and am at the very least happy with the changes I've made in my attitude toward her choices, as well as my new ability to give her my unconditional love (which is at times difficult, I must admit).
Taking this proposed course would not change the changes in your attitude or your view on UCL.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
I think I may just make an appointment with my DB coach and see what she thinks. I've been trying to put this off, but it has been about 3-4 weeks so it might be time again.
Good idea. And talk to your L.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
Maybe just go with more of the same and try that sideways attempt at meeting W's LL and monitor the results. [. . .] just keep doing what I'm doing, let her contact me unless I absolutely have to call her, and show her an upbeat, confident man who will be stronger, better, and wiser from all of this no matter what the outcome.
Again, even if you contact her about an unfiling, you can still do all of this. There maybe some damaghe, but IMO it will likely be temporary.
I'm not at all sure about this, and the general rule is when in doubt, don't act, but I hate to see the D go through if there is a way to avoid it.
FWIW, Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Yes, an appt. w/DB coach is a great idea. I'm sure they have a better grasp on this.
As far as when to initiate the WHIGTL talk if you do go that way, I was thinking that you could DB & not risk it until pretty close up to the D date to establish some good feelings between you.
The difference in having your L send a request & you doing it in person is the difference, no. Kinda like the difference between having a telemarketer trying to sell you something & an 8yr old selling Girl Scout Cookies, which one are you going for, do you think?
I guess the peaking is not overt, just that I'm not hearing much blatant "I'm finished w/ you" speak/actions besides w/you, yourself initiated. That's why I think Mopo's might work, or at least not hurt of done in the right way.
