Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Gone Dancin's Dilemma, 2

Thanks, sunny -- you have all been very helpful of late and I sincerely appreciate it!

Take a deep breath...exhale...breathe in...exhale...

GD

Oh, still don't know what the "little things" are that you said you see my W doing that shows she's sneaking peaks, but then again I don't know much of anything!

Just working through your thread now. No hurry - I'll be awhile. And yes I saw the latest. I was just curious if you were around online. Seems like lots of folks are checking back in on Sunday night. Good stuff - guess it means we're GALing. Later.

GoneDancing:

Well, I made it through your thread. I recall now that I was following you early on, kind of lost you in the middle, and then had picked up again in the last few weeks, but I forgot a lot of the background details. Anyway, helps to read through it all from start to finish once in a while. I did this with my own thread just before finalizing my plan. If you haven't done it with your own thread, I recommend it.

It's 2:00 am here now, so let me give this a shot, but we can visit more about it tomorrow if you want. FWIW, here are some thoughts I had reading through your sitch.

Let me start by telling you that in my opinion you have come a VERY LONG way indeed to be the person you are today from the person who started posting. I hope you see that. You should feel good about what you have accomplished. Compare your initial posts to what you have posted in the last few weeks (since just before your trip to Hawaii) on your own thread and, more importantly, on other people's threads. As I had been reading your more recent posts (and not remembering that i had followed you earlier), I had assumed you were much older than you are. You just seemed mature, calm, clear headed and in control. I think I said as much to you recently. I can tell from your advice to others and even in your contemplation about your own sitch that you know what you should be doing. Of course, we all have questions from time to time about specific scenarios.

I was amused a little, but more proud really, of how you started off your response to the initial Just_Me post by lashing out at him, but came around by the end of the post to acknowledge that most of what he said about you was right. And that's important, Nick -- to take a long, hard look at ourselves and acknowledge our faults and mistakes. I think you have done an excellent job of that, and we all must continually do it. Let me also say that your GALing is among the best I have seen on these boards, and far better than mine.

If I followed the timing correctly, you and W separated 9 months ago, 7 months ago you pushed her to decide to work on things or get a D, 3 weeks after that you filed for a D, and for approximately the next 3 months you went pretty dark (with the exception of weekly letters for a little while). You got a DUI on St. Patty's Day, and lost your job. You've been sober since that time. (Aside: what are you doing for work?) About the same time, W started seeing OM. Did I get all of that right?

I did not recall your battle with the bottle, and I am very impressed with how you have done here and your resolve. Keep this up. It sounds like you will be able to stay strong, but be wary of those particularly tough days. No matter what happens with your R/M, this is critically important and something to constantly strive for. You should feel GREAT about how you have done so far and what this means for your own life and that of your children.

In my mind, the most important thing you can do right now is find out if there is anything esle you can do to unfile or stop the divorce proceedings you started. Maybe there isn't, and maybe you know that for sure, but it wasn't clear to me fromk your thread. You said you felt good about asking your W to unfile, becuase you felt like you had taken another step towards saving your M. I agree, but two things: (1) you will feel even better if you KNOW that you did everything possible to stop it and (2) this is not to impres your W or show her anything (although that is an ancillary benefit), but rather because YOU DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. Make sense? So, if you haven't yet, I would call your L first thing in the morning, and tell him or her that you do not want a divorce. And even though your W did not agree to "unfile," you want to know what, if anything, can be done to undo the filing and/or to slow down the process (eg, the looming Aug. 16th date). In connection with the mediation, I am guessing that process is done. If not, delay any future meetings. If it is done, did you sign some sort of agreement in connection with what was agreed?

If the D proceedings cannot be slowed, delayed or undone, then I am wondering if you ought to approach your W about it. I'm just thinking out loud and definitely would want others' opinions, but i'd be curious how she would react now (or closer to 8/16) if you told her that you made a mistake, you don't want a D (or aren't in a rush and want to be sure), and that you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that you filed. It was a mistake. You could add that you understand that may be what she wants and you won't stand in her way, but you want her to file so you don't have to kick yourself for the rest of your life about it. I know this is a LONG SHOT, but I would be thinking about it if I were in your shoes. It's best to start with your own L to see what can be done unilaterally.

One other point on the filing. You indicated earlier you didn't want to appear like you were chasing her. I wouldn't worry about that on this point. Generally, it's important not to chase or pursue, but getting this thing untracked is much more important in my mind.

You made the following comment in one of your earlier posts (I think after the day when you felt really bad (and vented on your thread) about the OM being at your S's birthday party:



I like this because (1) I agree with it and (2) it shows you are thinking clearly. And as another poster said (Nikki, I think), you continue DBing because it will be best for YOU no matter what happens to yur R/M. And ask yourself, if you can't save your M, what kind of R do you want to have with the mother of your children?



I love it! Really! It was a very kind gesture and you did it for the right reasons. Way to go!



Again, I think excellent.

GoneDancing, I think there are small positives in your sitch. Very small baby steps, I think, but progress nonetheless. You said that since you started DBing, things have been a little friendlier and there has been a little more small talk or slightly longer convos.

On that topic, you wrote at one point (earlier):



Is she still going out and getting hammered? It seemed as I read it that in the past two months she was annoyed less and didn't hate you at times. Do you agree? This weekend you concluded things were about the same. I see progress, albeit small steps. After you re-read your own thread, let me know whether you agree or whether you stil see things as about the same.

That brings me to feeding her love language. Unless her love language is Physical Touch, I think you can try to do this. I'm not sure you need to, because the LRT you are doing, GALing and giving her time and space while you act as if with a PMA seems to have made things better. Part of me says you could just do this for a few more months and see if things with her OM cool off (but the D complicates this). But another part of me says try to fill her LL, very slowoly and very casually. Let's discuss this more after you have read the book and have identified her primary LL.

Hope it helps,
Nomopo

Oops, ignore. I was making notes and hit submit. I'll be editing that.

Sorry GD. Forgot to address today's issue. You have to try not to worry about her moving in with him or wedding plans. You don't know what she is thinking and you can't control her. It's hard, I know, but just try to put those thoughts/worries out of your mind.



Where do things stand? Was the mediation not done? Did you sign a binding agreement after the mediation?



Bingo.



I am so confused. I thought mediation was over and y'all had reached agreement. How could you go back on this now? Nothing signed yet? If not, sure seems like you could avoid finalizing the D in August.



It does seem like you are trying to control her. You thought she was entitled to half. Has that changed? Seems to me like she should be able to use that however she chooses.



I know. I'm sorry. 48-hour rule.



I don't think it changes anything. Your emotions are flared up, but your logic-based plan is the same. Keep GALing, keep focusing on you, keep DBing (LRT, going dark, maybe a little LL), and investigate your options on slowing down or stopping the 8/16 D. Once your emotions are under control, I think you will see this.

Good night,
Nomopo

Thanks mopo -- you are the master of good vibes and turning on the PMA! I'll respond to your posts in a little bit, but now want to journal some while it is fresh...

Okay, so I've been following the 48 hr rule regarding S5's comment that "mommy is going to move her stuff in with OM". To think about it still hurts, but my head has taken over for my heart now (thank God!). I know that I won't say anything about it now, as I have reminded myself to ask that wise DBer question, "Is what I'm about to do (or is what I want to do) going to bring me closer to my goals?" That stopped my desire to respond to W dead in its tracks.

So this morning, on my way to the gym to workout, I get there and realize the I missed a call (loud music in the truck) and received a VM. It was from W (funny how I'm not even meaning for her calls to go to VM, she just seems to call lately at bad times). Her tone was friendly, and she asks, "Hey it's me. Can you call me at work when you get this? Thanks. Bye." I could've called then, but I decided to wait until after my workout so I could gather some thoughts about what she might be calling about and how I would respond and how I would talk to her in general.

I called her back an hour and a half later, and when she got on the phone it went like this:

Me: "Hey, just got your message -- what's up?"
W: "I was wondering...if you could pay the cricket bill (our cell phones are still on one bill) for this month. I'm pretty much broke until Friday."
Me: "Sure, that's fine."
W: (continuing to explain/justify) "I have been sick for the last couple weeks and haven't worked that much."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry you had to have the kids while you were sick too." (since I was in Hawaii for a week)
W: "That's okay."
Me. "Are you feeling okay now?"
W: "No."
Me: "Is it your diabetes? What's wrong?"
W: "No (to the diabetes). [Friend from work] has "diagnosed" me with an absess. It started as some little bumps on my nose, but then they turned into some big sores."
Me: (very sympathetic) "Ohhh, I'm sorry. That sucks."
W: "Yeah. I've got a Dr. appt for tomorrow."
Me: "Oh, good. (not sure what else to say) "Man, I'm sorry."
W: "It's okay."
[pause]
Me: "Okay, well I'll go ahead and pay the cricket bill -- that's not a problem."
W: "They should've withdrawn it from my checking acct...I mean, I have enough, but I'll just be left with about $40 for the rest of the week."
Me: "Don't worry about it -- it's okay. I think that they might still be trying to take it from the old credit card that is expired."
W: "I thought I updated that...wait, maaaybeee I didn't. I don't think I did."
Me: "Okay, so I'll take care of it in the meantime. How would you like me to do it?"
W: "Just call them and do it over the phone. It's due today."
Me: "Okay. You're picking up the kids tonight, right?"
W: "Yeah."
Me: "Okay, just wanted to make sure. Talk to you later."
W: "Okay. Bye."
Me: (upbeat) "Bye."

So...good friendly conversation (maybe just because she needed something from me!), and I was happy with how I handled it. I even began meeting one of my goals:

Goal #2 -- W will confide in me regarding work-related issues, health issues, and/or family/friend issues. Any issues, I guess. She will also volunteer this info without me asking about it.

Even though I did ask a little bit, I didn't have to push much at all. She didn't have to volunteer the details of her being sick and that she had missed some work over the last few weeks, and what is better is that I a) showed concern, and b) listened and validated her problems. I didn't offer advice or try to figure out why it happened -- I just listened.
I guess I did try to fix the billing problem by offering an explanation for why they didn't/couldn't withdraw from her acct, but it seemed to have a positive result, since it dawned on her that this was likely the reason.

So, opinions on the conversation? I think I met a goal here. She was comfortable enough to confide in me about some things

babystep...

GD

GD,
You did a wonderful job there on a few levels;

First, is that you didn't give in to the urge to call her about the other issue. Yea!!

Second, you Db'ed through out the whole call.

Third, you left it on a positive note & didn't attempt at more.

All & all good stuff, as Guru Nomo would say.

Plus, thinking about your poor W having sores on her nose while you were gone doesn't conger up a romantic interlude w/OM, does it!

Sunny

Opinions? Yay! - and Yay, You!!

(With every one of these 'good' interactions, you are building another piece of the bridge back to a better R w/your W. Keep it up!)

Sunnygirl, I KNEW I liked you for a reason!

All & all good stuff.