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~ SD...THAT IS SO AWESOME~
GOOD FOR YOU!
( never posted to you before but I love to read how we get stronger,with lots of hard work, as a result of all the pain and heartache we have all been thru it makes my day!)
Take care and God bless...
~Ali

SD that's sooooooooooooooo perfect!!!

I love noticing when I handle life better these days, sometimes I even do it without thinking - never really thought I could, but that old friend Patiece came through in the end

this is a brilliant post, you're an amazing woman.

LOVE it! Good work, SD!!

Awesome SD! It's all about knowing what you can and can't control.

sh!tf*ckc0ck...

I gotta give up my security blanket.

Screw evolving and getting stronger....I want my blanky...

SD

IF you knew what you were struggling with was YOUR problem, would you share it with your spouse? Because it's obvious I'm wrestling with something, but H can't "fix" it. I've decided once and for all it's time to exorcise last summer and LW. They've got to go...I'm giving them too damn much power, and it's time to let them go. Only thing is H keeps asking me what the problem is....

F*ck!!!!!!!

SD

Hey SD. Well, hmmmm....

There won't be a problem once you exorcise them. What do you think you need in order to accomplish that? What will be a sign that you've done that?

Adding: What IS your security blanket?

Hmm...good question. I actually have a friend who's running this journaling for growth class that I'm taking, and she's giving me some strategies. One thing is just calling it what it is: OVER. Out of my control. Attachment. LW only has the power I give her...and the truth is, because of what I've learned and the direction my M is going in, I'm THANKFUL for last summer. I want to stop looking back, stop worrying about the future, and just concentrate on the here and now.

I guess a sign that I've done that is waking up and realizing one day that I haven't thought about her or last summer for a while. Hearing her name or hearing H talk about work and not having my stomach clench anticipating hearing her name. Being okay with going to work functions with H. Seeing only H and only her, not these huge stories I've created in my mind. Being, not acting with last summer in mind.



Last summer and LW are. Why? Because if it all goes to hell, I get to be the "good guy." I've done everything I should, and H is the screw up. I win, I'm right. It's an excuse not to go "all in" in my relationship...I can justify holding back and not risking b/c H hurt me and might again.

All false, really. I'm creating my reality with these thoughts, and I'm keeping myself from what I want most.

And so, guess what? I decided to Act As If. Act as if last summer didn't happen. I'm also taking Gandhi's advice to "Be the change you wish to see in the world." I want more affection, so I'm showing more affection. I want more ILYs, I'm saying more. I want to have fun, I'm making plans.

I'm taking control of me and my life back.

I'm taking my attention off of H as well as my expectation for him to make me happy. THAT'S what I've been doing.

I have to remember that detaching is as important post-DB as during. It's forever. I and only I can make me happy.

So I'm gonna. 'Cause this other stuff sucks..

SD

ohh!! let me chime in on this one!!!

SD - you've held on to LW tooooo long - time to let her go. You know this and I think you can do this.

But - and I only suggest this - maybe part of letting her go will be discussing your feelings with H? This won't be an R talk, this will be sharing your feelings. I went through this from round about May 18th (go back and read my thread for a refresher). I felt I had done all I could on the DB dance, I had come to the end of my M fixing rope and now it was time to take up the reigns of my life again (whiah I am in the process of doing - eg got a new job!! WOO!)

Anyway - back to you. It may be helpful to explain to H how hurt you felt, but without blaming him. That you realise things between you were bad before and you'd like to work WITH him to ensure that a situation like that doesn't arise again. Remind him you've BOTH been through hell (it's not all roses for the WAS and sometimes us LBS's forget that). It' important to approach this not as a "sh1t wasn't it awful, I was a bee-ach, you were a bar-steward" etc... more as a "life is good now, let's look to the past but with the aim of making the future better".

What do you think about feeling sharing, without blaming H?

Thanks, Jen.

I think you're right. I wanted to take time to really process all of my feelings to figure out what was really going on and to think about how to talk to H without him feeling like he needed to fix something or "make" me happy. He knows I've been working on something, and he's curious. I asked him last night if he wanted me to tell him, even though none of it is his responsibility to fix....he said no, but I wonder. I don't want him to think I'm hiding anything.

So...I have two options as I see it now. I can wait until MC next Thursday, or I can just face my fear (not such a big fear anymore) and talk to H on my own. In my mind, before we can leave MC, we both have to be able to do this.

I think the way you phrased it is perfect...hey, this was our past, we both were in a lot of pain, let's work together to make our future together good.

The last obstacle then, in my mind, is trusting that H won't hold onto things like he did in the past. He just judged and convicted me without ever talking to me. I've learned how not to do that, and I've gotten really good at addressing things with him. He doesn't say anything about me though...and while I'd love to believe I am just fabulous and never do anything irritating, I know that's not true. So, I guess I'm waiting for him to not walk on eggshells himself.

At some point we're going to have to let go of our MC as a crutch and just trust each other...and that's scary!

SD