Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again NikkiB #17

Hi everyone - just catching up!

Donna and ST, thanks for checking in.

Donna
Glad you found some meetups! Sorry they're so far away, but might make for a nice weekend drive sometime. I'd definitely keep an eye on their calendars (especially the "reviews" after the events, which show how many people showed up and some of their comments on it). That way you can see which ones are really active and have a number of people show up. It's kind of a bummer to show up for one and no one else showed or only a couple of you, especially with such a long drive.

The "alerts" are basically for interests that don't have a group started yet (or, I'm finding, that you just didn't necessarily see the existing group). So for example if you sign up as being interested in "Night life" but there's no group for you to join yet, you'll get an alert every time anyone else signs up for "Night life." Pretty soon you'll be able to go look and see all 200 people who are interested in "Night Life" - and of course meetup keeps suggesting that you start a group of your own. That one group I just found was more by accident though, I never even got the "There's a new night life group" alert, so I'm not sure what happened there. But that's a rough idea.

Thanks for asking about my doggie. She is doing GREAT!! She acts younger than she has in YEARS. We have a friend who got a pup around the same time we found my dog, and found out he had to put her to sleep this week (just basically old age). That was a bit of a shock, they always played together as puppies/young dogs... but the other dog's a Boxer where mine's a mixed breed and small (approx 20 lb) dog, so her life expectancy should be longer. Made me realize even more that I need to appreciate these days where she wants to run and play. Glad your pup's doing so well! I'm a sucker who let my girlie sleep on the bed too... dog trainers said I shouldn't but... I don't regret it.

ST
Yeah it's a bummer that you have to pay to set up the meetup groups. The ones that do really well typically end up charging people a dollar or two per meetup, just to cover the cost of the group, and people are usually fine with it. But it's always a risk in case it doesn't take off.

Hey for both of you guys - if you want to email me with what cities you're in I'd be glad to see if I can find some meetups that you might like (I know roughly where you are but not exact cities/zip codes). I've done a lot of searching through that site so I may be able to find stuff you missed? (happens ALL the time, the site's kinda confusing).

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As for me... things are going ok. That cold really kicked me down over the weekend but thankfully is going away fast. Monday I felt pretty bad but at least made it to work. Tuesday I felt pretty good all day - H and I even went for a bike ride after work (yay!!). It was our first ride with my odometer/speedomter hooked up so that was cool. My average speed was about 7MPH, max speed on a downhill was 16MPH, and we went 7.3 miles. To a bike rider that's really pretty lame, but for someone like me I think that's pretty darn good, especially when I'm still a bit sick. I'll keep workin on it. My friend up the street just got a bike too, so hopefully we can find some nice flat areas to ride (I'd be kinda embarassed to ask her to help push me up a hill!).

I've been feeling really antsy all week - well, a couple weeks now - just wondering if another bomb's around the corner. H has been dropping all these weird hints about "good friends" and how sad it is to lose touch with people and how "you shouldn't have to stay away from people who were part of your life" and such. Me bringing up the OW/PW and trying to set boundaries pretty much backfired (every time I asked for less contact he stepped it up)... so, I have decided instead to focus on improving myself, and improving our R/M when I see chances. And hope that the rest will fade with time. If not I will bring it up again later, but now's not the time.

So, I'm still working on getting back to basics. Have another meetup dinner tonight so I am looking forward to that. This weekend we have a race again and H is all excited for me to go. Have Monday and Tuesday off and I'm planning to do some things just for me - not sure what yet, but I'm working on some ideas. One major thing will be sitting down and doing some serious goal setting finally. I need some direction in a lot of areas.

The 4th has turned out to be kind of strange. For the last 8 years we've had a tradition of going on a big rafting day-trip with friends. It's something I always thought H would keep going with no matter what. We LOVED doing it - I mean even when we separated he said "But you can still go rafting, always" - it's a big deal for us. This year he's been acting all funny about it, so yesterday I decided to suggest another idea instead. He got kind of excited and said "Really? You'd be ok if we don't go rafting?" - so that was kind of cool. Trying not to ASSume anything but it was the rafting trip last year where OW/PW sucked H back in. He had cut off contact for about a month and was feeling a lot better (his words), but when we started planning the trip she heard about it at work and came crying to him going "You mean I'm not invited anymore??" After a half hour of her crying he caved and bam, she was back in his life again. So, I can't help but wonder if that's somehow related. Doesn't matter, I know, but the thought crosses my mind. I'm glad I took the pressure off about the trip because he definitely seemed to be feeling some pressure about it.

So... that's about all the excitement here, I think. Keep on keepin on, and keep on hoping for no bombs, dropping shoes, or whatever else you wanna call it!

Hope all's well with everyone else. I wanted to get around and catch up but I talked too long on my own thread, so will have to catch up later. But I'm thinking of everyone and hope everyone is moving forward!!

"Me bringing up the OW/PW and trying to set boundaries pretty much backfired (every time I asked for less contact he stepped it up)..."

Just something to keep in mind... Boundaries are about you, not conrolling H....

Glad to hear that you're feeling better Nikki! You dog too!

The biking sounds like a good activity with your H, riding on the bike trail (and getting flat tires and walking back together) is actually how my wife and I's friendship started and blossomed into love.

Good to hear you don't have to deal with a possible repeat of last year with your H and OW. Any ideas yet on what you'll do for the 4th?

Take care,
-JDK

yes, what ARE you plannin on the 4th? That is so cool that you did that, and it worked out so nicely.

I think that working on yourself is very important. When our Spouses come back, we always let things slide, so just think of his actions as a reminder for you, that you need to keep up taking care of yourself.

Oldtimer, JDK, ST - thanks for checking in.

The 4th - well, for now we're planning to go out boating. I know, doesn't sound that different from rafting, but it's a whole different group that goes, and a different area. I am kinda excited as we haven't been out boating yet this year - most years it's an every weekend thing in the summer, so I'm looking forward to it. (if it even happens.. more below)

Tonight was..well.. rough. I went out with my friend to another meetup type thing. Really great dinner, enjoyed it a lot!

Then things went downhill. When I got home H got here just before me, asked about my dinner and I told him. Then I asked if he'd had fun tonight. I was thinking along the lines of H and W having different experiences, coming together, sharing, right?? Well, he got all weird... said "Oh just hung out." I said "Oh that's cool - have fun?" and he kept giving me that "I'm going to change the subject rather than lie to you" look (I know it now). After we made small talk about a bunch of stupid things I said "Sooo... you gonna tell me where you were tonight or let me think the worst?" (again this is after him giving me the "guilty look" for a long time, so not totally out of nowhere). H said "I was hanging out with [OW/PW] and her new boyfriend. She really wanted me to meet him." Then proceeded to tell me all about this guy. Uuuuuuugh. I wanted so badly to ask if she was still also f'ing her husband and her OTHER married boyfriend along with the new guy, but I bit my tongue.

I am fairly sure I stared in disbelief for awhile. When he stopped talking I stammered out "Thanks for being honest with me" but I was PISSED. Just trying to take a minute to think through what I wanted to say. I was sitting on the opposite couch from H and he kept asking me to move over next to him. I kept saying "No I'm more comfortable over here right now." We watched a movie for a while and finally I said "H this is hard for me. I don't know how to say this the right way so I'm just going to say it and I'm sorry if I mess it up, but I'm saying what I feel. Thank you for being honest with me, but I am not ok with you hanging out with her. It hurts, it makes me angry, it makes me feel disrespected, and frankly it makes me feel like I'm worth less than dog crap to you." (yeah I'm not sure where the dog crap came from but it came out in the moment..). "And what hurts the most is I know I've told you this before and you care about me so little you did it anyway."

H didn't really respond but held me tightly for awhile. Then he said: "Don't worry, it'll be ok."

I lost it... I got absolutely hysterical. All last summer "It'll be OK" was code for "I'm leaving you but we'll both be happier 5 years from now" (basically.. he told me that on bomb day).

I left but had sort of a mini panic attack.. crying, screaming, yelling at myself for being so stupid. I was on the other side of the house so thought he couldn't hear me but he did. He came in and tried to comfort me and I screamed at him not to touch me.

A couple of minutes later I went to him and apologized, thanked him for trying to comfort me, explained how the "be ok" comment had hit me and I was sorry I'd over-reacted based on the past. H said he was sorry he said it and that he was sorry he was hurting me. I said I knew that, and told him I was just angry at myself for being stupid enough to open myself up to the risk of being hurt again. Also that I was sorry for all the things I've done in the past to hurt him, and I hoped that if I was still doing anything to hurt him he'd tell me.

Probably dumb but I also asked "So please tell me, are you just hanging out here til you find a new girlfriend so you won't be alone? Or are you trying to piss me off so that I leave first? Please don't play those games with me. If you want to go, go, if you want me to go I will, but please don't play games."

He said he wasn't playing games, then he said "I'm trying, I really am. A lot of what I do is for you, to make you happy." I said "I know and I see that, and thank you. But H I want you to be happy too." We had a few more mumbled words and held hands.. more quiet tears on my side, empty staring into space on his. He went to bed and kept trying to get me to go with him but I can't - mind is racing a mile a minute.

I have no idea what next or what any of this even means.. just journaling for now... processing will be later, I guess. Comments, thoughts, whatever are welcome though.

(if I do need any 2x4s... can I request some padding for now? I am really, really hurting tonight and can't take too much... thanks).

{{{{{{{{{{Nikki}}}}}}}}}

Sorry you're hurting so much Nikki. I don't have a lot to tell you, the things your H said (well after the OW part) sound positive to me, it is good that you were able to talk to him about how him spending anytime with OW makes you feel. Sorry you got so upset, I hope you are able to relax and calm down and let him hold you.

Take care Nikki,
-JDK

Nikki

Tough night huh?

Your H should not be hanging out with OW if he is serious about your R in any context.
He does seem committed though so this is good , its a tough sitch and I will think better when its not so late.

Dave

Hi Nikki,

I haven't posted in a while but I have been keeping tabs.

This whole thing with OW just really confuses me. I know that every sitch is different but one thing that keeps popping into my head as I read your threads is that your H for whatever reason, cannot let go of OW. There is some tie, some bond, something that is not letting him truly let go and come back to you and your M.

I think this because my H recently verbally recommitted to me. We've talked about OW a few times and H has made it very clear that he understands my discomfort, while he may not feel that discomfort because he knows where his heart and head are at, he is sensitive to my feelings.

The fact that your H understands your position and your sensitivity to the issue, but does this anyway, leads me to believe that he cannot let go of something from that time period in his life. I have no clue what that is however.

And I am sure that your H will deny this anyway. I believe that he wants to be there for you and your M, but that there is this thing in the back of his head that keeps that door open (for escape?) so he continues contact with her though he tells you about it. He doesn't want to do it behind your back but he cannot let go completely. Perhaps it is a control issue where he perceives it as you telling him who he can and cannot hang out with?

I don't have a clue as to how you would discern what the reason is. I think the best thing to do is to continue to focus on you as you have been doing, meet your H's love language as much as you can so he realizes that that he'd be crazy to not want to do whatever he can for the person that means so much to him.

You really are doing a great job navigating these difficult waters. Keep your head up and as a friend quoted from the Disney's Finding Nemo movie, "just keep swimming".

(((((((Nikki,)))))))

Quit apologizing to H and stand up for yourself. Your feelings are not crazy. You have every reason to be hurt and angry. H should not be seeing PW in the context of a committed R. He should not be endorsing her having another A. He should not be involved with someone who hurt your M. H's unwillingness to be direct with you is pretty gross. Those words you heard from H: "you shouldn't have to stay away from people who were part of your life" are VERY LIKELY straight out of PWs mouth. Probably how she guilted him into meeting new BF. If you wonder if she is being a destructive force in your M, the answer is yes.

You say setting boundaries has backfired. But you have not set boundaries. You keep trying to get H to change what he is doing. Boundaries are about YOU and what you will or will not accept.

H guilting you with the "I do so much to make you happy" crap is that -- CRAP. He should do what he wants to do. If that includes an inappropriate friendship with PW, sobeit. It is his choice. He does not get to martyr himself and then use it as an excuse for piss poor behavior.

Are you going to accept that friendship?

Maybe you two can go to MC to work on this issue. Or, if you don't have a C, find one to discuss your boundary issues here.

At some point, you have to take care of yourself. This is obviously a very unhealthy sitch for you. You need to do what it will take to make it a healthy sitch. Maybe this is simply stepping the R back a few notches, who knows. But, burying your head in the sand and then not liking what you see when you pull it out is not going to help.

Nikki--
My cell phone was on...please call whenever you need.

I know how hard it is to have the PW refuse to go away. I wish mine would move away, but not likely (she is going on vaca for 2 weeks--yea!)

I think I finally let go of the whole idea of the PW, by-and-large. I am convinced that she played a big role in lowering my H's respect of me (telling him that he deserved better, I should be doing more for him, etc). But, at this point, I look at her as a symptom. It does help that H has scaled back on the constant contact with her (that I am aware of), but even if not, I am focusing on me rather than on that. The only thing I looked at was, what was he getting out of that R that he didn't get from me? And then trying to give that to him.

I think a big part of it was my defensiveness, the way he said I turned everything around when he tried to vocalize his concerns. Now, she didn't have anything to be defensive about--she probably reinforced his concerns, instead. So, that is what I am trying to do. Take the wind out of her sails...

Have you figured out what the draw was in her? If you can fill that, he might be more willing to let go...

OT--can you give Nikki an example of the boundaries that you are thinking about...?

Hang on, {{{{Nikki}}}}...

--Donna