Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy welcome to my nightmare #3

Heya husband ,

I live in a small market town called Towcester which is about the furthest point one can get from the coast anywhere in the country. It is midway between Milton Keynes and Northampton. What part of England is your relative visiting?

Its a good place to live, especially if you are into outdoor pursuits.

From what you have said your wife seems discontented without knowing why. Perhaps when she is low she wonders what might have been with OM but knows deep down that they would never have worked. OM sounds like a complete toe rag!!

I always thought my H would be there for me and so it was a real shock when he told me about his A. Like you, I take my Marriage vows VERY seriously, and would never consider going outside the marriage to look for comfort with a significant other. My H did tell me that he wasn't looking for sex but companionship and affection when he went elsewhere, (didn't stop him taking the sex on offer though although he said it was pretty dire).

Some people just don't know why they are unhappy and even though most people would be envious of the life that the unhappy person is leading it doesn't make it any better for the unhappy person.

I was extremely unhappy, and it wasn't until I found the energy and drive within myself to seek help through a clinical psychologist that I started to face my demons and move on. It was via this process that I opened up to my husband about how I felt I had lost him somewhere along the line and that I wanted him back. That in turn prompted him to tell me about his A.

I guess the tough thing is that one has to WANT to open up and it sounds like your wife isn't at that point yet. It does take a lot of guts.

When your W used to go out with OM before OM was married were you also on the scene and dating your W to be? Is there any question that your wife came to you on the rebound? Did you settle for being second best to her when you got together? I only ask these questions to try and gauge your wifes state of mind when she entered into the marriage with you. Has she ever worked at your relationship or have you always had to be the one to compromise and make changes?

If you have a good time out at dinner I wouldn't then go out dancing without her. Try to do something else she might want to do. I would only go off and leave her if she really appears not to be intersted in your company after dinner - it may be that she would just like to be with you and continue talking or go somewhere to listen to music etc...

My H and I are trying really hard to make time for ourselves, (which is hard with four children!!). Trips to the theatre and the cinema and even just long walks together are good. Even so I still have some real low days, (today being one of them). In the middle of everything going OK I can suddenly get the urge I want to punish him and I SOOOOOOO want to hurt the OW for the doubt she has brought into my marriage. To me it feels like she wonders around without a care in the world leaving havoc and rage and upset behind her.

I don't think GAL should push her further into depression. From what you have said its pretty clear that she could join you in that process with open arms. Can't answer the question about winning the lottery, (wish I could), but when it comes to the feeling wanted issue I think most people need to be wanted but that is not the same as being pursued and it is also not the same as saying you will always be there for her. If she thinks that whatever she does you will always be there then what is there to stop her walking all over you and your feelings. A doormat is something you wipe your feet on not kiss hug and cherish - once you've cleaned your shoes on it you don't tend to think about it again until you shoes need wiping again.

Somehow your wife needs to realise what a great guy you are and I think the fact that she has accepted your dinner date is good.

From where I'm standing you seem to be doing so well!!

I would think twice about refilling your meds or at least if you do can you give it to someone close to you to look after so that it takes an effort to get the medication if you are tempted? Remember that it will take a while for the natural endorphins in your body to build up to fight pain naturally.

Cheering you on

Saffie

Saffie -

I get back to you on where the R's are going. As for the meds. The aspirin worked fine.

Thanks for your advice. I am going to play dinner by ear. I will see how it goes. I am going to see if she want's to go for a walk after. (The restaurant is right by the dance hall) so we will just happen to walk by. Who knows maybe she will want to go in.

I know what you mean about the door mat. That is what I need to break in my W. That is what I feel like right now.

Husband

H, I sure hope your W figures it out and soon. I think a lot of our M problems came from the fact that I, like your W, wasn't necessarily happy & didn't know why. Maybe had a lot of resentment then toward H. We had 3 children in the span of 7 yrs. Our first, I got pregnant w/ immediately after we got married. Put together pregnancies, nursing, no sleep nights, etc. and well, you know. Anyway, I'm glad that I "figured it out" when H finally said the D word and I realized how unhappy I was making HIM!! I'm certainly glad I got a second chance to make our M good. I hope your W sees this before it's too late. She probably wouldn't be happy elsewhere either. She needs to figure out what she can do to make herself happy or see that what she has is good and should be happy w/ what she has and go from there. I realized how very good I actually had it and wasn't ready to lose my H so I've chosen to build on what we have and be happy w/ it. Actually putting some effort into your M makes a huge difference! Also when I was seeing my H as someone I could lose and not "just my H," it made a difference in the way I saw him and my thinking.

Husband,

Wow...the scripts all sound similar, don't they?

The OM in my sitch is my best friend. He dated my wife for 2 weeks before I dated her. He dumped her and went and proposed to another woman he was dating. He's married to that same woman now. My wife hits a MLC, gets depressed, and guess who decides to swoop in and have an affair with her?

In response to your points:



Yes this affair is about HER. She's got some growing up to do.



Yes this happens to all of us LBS. We live in fear and desperation. The power has shifted to them. When we realize that we don't need them, and start ACTING like that, things will change. If you look at MC's story, his wife is really confused and upset that he's having such a fun time. She wants him to be miserable. The WAS almost always gets a power rush from being able to control our behavior. They HATE it when we draw boundaries. They HATE it when we are having fun. Soon they feel left out. Sometimes they start to put their lives in reverse gear and start to puruse us.




That's hard dude. He's a sc@mbag. How about pity? Don't get consumed in hatred. It's hard for me, too. I was betrayed by wife and best friend. Does worrying help?




Hmmmm. It's OK to have female friends. I've always had healthy relationships with female friends. Right now, however, I realize I'm on thin ice. If they are really a friend, you'll probably tell them about your marriage problems: and then you send this invisible signal that says, "I'm vulnerable, I'm available." Be careful. Telling members of the opposite sex about your marriage problems is like an aphrodisiac.



Not at all. GAL will make you more interesting and attractive. If you are GAL just to get her back, then you are letting her control your behavior. You GAL should be for you.



Timing is key. First, Get a life. (GAL) She needs to see your ability to be happy independent of her. Part of the problem now is that you BOTH think she is necessary for your happiness. It's making her want to run away, and it's making you desperate and clingy. GAL helps you relax and be more fun.

When she gets confused and intrigued and begins to relax and make moves towards you, then play it by ear. Experiment and monitor results.

The big problem we all face is the minute they begin to warm up to us a little -- we begin to chase again, and scare them away.

Look...if they are having an affair -- they should be in doghouse. Why are WE, the LBS acting like we are in the doghouse? We don't need to be nasty, but perhaps, we need to let them know (by our actions)that we are more than capable of being fine without them. We are waging war by living an attractive and fun life, that they begin to feel left out of.

Regarding the date. Just have dinner and call it a night. Don't try to guilt her into going dancing.

Regarding the prayer session. That might be fine.

--Theoden

Do not pursue W at this point, that's my advice. You need to work on YOU and get to the point where YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOU and it's not based on your M or your W loving you. You cannot MAKE your W happy. But, if you are happy w/ yourself and YOUR life, your W is more likely to come around. Easier said than done, I know, but it's so true and so important.

Don't even think about female companionship. If you want your W back and your M to get back on track at some point, this is a DO NOT DO issue -- it doesn't matter that your W had or is still having an A, you don't start dating or anything until the D is final if it comes to that -- again my opinion.

If you GAL'ing pushes her away, she was going to be pushed away anyway. You need to get to a point where, whatever she decides to do, you are going to be ok w/ YOU AND YOUR LIFE!!!

Welcome back Theoden-

Told ya I would need you. You have me E-mail if ya ever need to talk big guy.
Ya I think you are right. Just a dinner. Light conversation after pick the son up and go home.
BUT.... Next Friday I'm going out. I think every other weekend is sufficient. Saturday My W will be home alone again. The son and I are going off roading and maybe a little fishing if we find the lake. It's going to be just one of the day with no time schedule just hop in the jeep and end up wherever we do..

You sound allot better today. Just to let ya know I went to catholic school for 8 years. Nuns hated me. I can not tell ya how many times I was hit with that yard stick. It kind of gave me a bad taste for religion. But listening to you I have started praying again. It was after this that I noticed my W was starting to be a little nicer to me. Then he sent saffie to tell me about my drug habit. And you to keep me on track. Just think 1 year ago none of us knew the other existed. Now thanks to our S they have brought us all together. I guess some good has come out of it after all

Husband

Husband,

We'll connect soon via email or phone.

Prayer has been very helpful to me. I've had some painful sessions in prayer though. At my old job, there was a Catholic Churrh that was open 8-6 every day. I'd drop in during lunch and pray. I would sob. Sometimes I would kneel before the statue of Christ and trace the wounds on his feet with my fingers. The church always had people praying an lighting candles. A perpetual offering of suffering and pain. The space seemed filled with heartbreak and sadness, yet it was upheld and transformed by the weightlessness of grace. A monk once counseled me to offer my suffering to Christ.

Peace,

Alan

Husband,
It sounds like you handled the lunch very well. I didn't realize it was a cousin you were meeting with. You respected your W's privacy, by not sharing any details. You didn't tell cousin anything she doesn't already know. You got the benefit of her perspective on your W, who she knows very well. I can't think of anything you would need to apologize to your W for, if she found out.

What makes you think your W is Bipolar? Has she had psychiatric or mental health treatment in her past? Is there a history of psychiatric problems in her family?

As far as salsa dancing, I recommend you find and visit a local latin club, even if it's just to listen to the music. The music is uplifting and happy.

CL

Husband--

I bet your son is sure going to love that off-roading. And you'd better find the lake, or at least some kind of water, when you're through raising mud globs in every direction.

Sounds like your lunch went well. You may need to take some of the things Cousin told you with a grain of salt. You must always count on everything you say getting back to your W, but that's not necessarily a bad thing--having a bit of a grape vine.

I'm glad the aspirin took care of the pain. I'm fairly convinced that Vicodin holds a place of honor in destroying my M.

And I wish you well on your date with your W!

Thanks Delia-

The funny thing is I really didn't say anything to the cousin. SHE did most of the talking. I am glad I didn't slip and say anything about the affair. So anything that gets back to my W I don't have to deny. That is one road I don't want to travel. I don't what to have to lie about anything. I am not perfect but in this situation right now I am still the victim. I have not done one thing in retaliation.
Believe me this is a 180 for me. AND if things do go south and a D happens I will 180 back and go public with everything (in both states)


As for the vicodin. I had an urge today again but if I keep busy I soon forget. I was only on 10 mg a day (sometime a little more)
I do want to stay off of it. I feel less emotional (until I come here and read other peoples sitch that are not going so well).

Tomorrow will be a blast. I have to admit I have always been the main person in my son's life. But the last 4 weeks we have done more than ever.

In the future he will remember his mom as the one, who bought him video games,
His dad taught him how to drive, fish mud bog, 4wheel,fly kites, build sand castles, pan for gold, metal detecting, Baseball football, basket ball, and just sit by a stream and eat lunch and talk about life.
The weird thing is if it were not for my son I would have given up already. Not only has he given me a reason to try to save our family. He has been my friend and companion that I can talk to. (Not about my sitch) just talk.


Husband