Cadesmom, How are you doing? Have you recieved more firewood lately?
Alright lets talk a little more about the bonfire. Yoyo added to the agenda - great suggestions. I am going to up Yoyo performance for me. Not only will I do cover for Timberlake's "Bringing Sexy Back", I will also do my best to redo this Christmas song sung by Timberlake on SNL. I'm even thinking about using props for it.
I'm having some real issues w/ how I feel about H right now. I have gotten to the point where I don't even see him the same anymore and actually wonder how I really feel about him.
If I'm totally honest w/ you guys AND MYSELF, I know I am still very insecure w/in myself. I used to be such a strong person, but I feel as if I have lost that over time. I think becoming a mom makes me feel vulnerable; not the same anymore.
I want to feel as if I would be completely all right if he cheated again and I had to give him the boot, but I honestly don't feel that way.
That makes me wonder about myself, as I wonder how I can stay w/ someone who has done all of the things he has done to me and still have my self respect intact.
He said he would call this a.m. and he never did. It would have been his Saturday night so I'm assuming they went 'out' even though he said he didn't think they were going to. He tells me what they do, but I kind of questioned a little more when I talked to him yesterday about his Friday night. Not accusing in any way, but when he said they went to the clubs, I kind of asked what that was all about.
I don't think he even thinks about what I am doing over here. Like my friend said today, I can't even go get a d*mn gallon of milk w/out having to load up a 7 yr old, a 3 yr old & a 1 yr old and go to the store, which I don't even have to describe to all of you, as I'm sure you can imagine how 'fun' that can be sometimes
Anyway, I just don't know what's up w/ me right now. I just kind of feel a bit down. I'm wishing that I could just come to terms w/ things and get on w/ it. I wish I felt like I truly trusted him again. I really don't though. I wish the thought of the OW didn't still bother me so much. It was an EA, I know that, but I really didn't get details from him.
I think one of the things that still bothers me is that I don't feel like our M/R is truly 100% intact again. I don't feel like I can talk to him about ANYTHING and that's how an M should be. Asking him about that bill really shouldn't have been any big deal and in actuality, I should have been able to just bring it up and he should have responded w/ compassion knowing how that probably made me feel, but I guess that's not reality.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Had a really good talk w/ H tonight. Not ABOUT anything R related or anything. We just finally seemed really connected and talked for over an hour just about 'stuff.'
I emailed him some pics this afternoon and in the email just said 'hope you're doing ok. you guys must have decided to go out after all. i love you.' He said in passing that yeah they did go out again and that he was thinking 'i better knock this sh*t off or Kel's going to start getting p*ssed off.' I didn't say anything. It really doesn't make me mad that they go out. Nothing else for them to do, as long as he knows his limit and doesn't start doing stupid things while drinking. The good thing is, I think he knows this as well, so hopefully it won't happen.
I did kind of try to dig a little about OW in a round about way. I asked if he had talked to one of the guy's at work or anybody else @ work. He mentioned a couple of the guys and that he had emailed back & forth w/ them, but didn't mention her, and I didn't press. She's just a constant thorn in my side, but I need to just let that go. I honestly believe that if things are going ok w/ us, he's either not going to have any reason to talk to her or if he is talking to her, she is just a 'friend' again.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Learned an interesting tidbit today and now I'm glad I've kept my mouth shut about EA/OW. H says it was not someone at work, but I still don't believe that. Cell phone indicated he & this woman he worked w/ were calling back & forth ALL THE TIME. I still believe it was her. Anyway, H of L I talked about above who are our friends, came over today to help w/ the weed eater issue. I wasn't going to talk to him about anything, b/c I didn't want to make him uncomfortable or put him in the middle of anything. He kind of brought it up so I ended up talking to him a little bit about everything. He told me that one of the guys at work just told him the other day that he finally met OW's new boyfriend who she's been dating for a few months. Answered prayer I say. I had been praying that either she be transferred elsewhere or find a man of her own so I guess that is hopefully taken care of.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I'm feeling really detached from H the past few days or so. I don't know if I like the feeling or not. Part of me is glad that the D sitch, OW, etc. isn't the first thing I think about when I wake up like it used to be, but I also don't like feeling so 'distant' from H either.
Sometimes I feel when he says he misses 'us,' that he's more talking about the boys. I'm getting a bit more comfortable saying things to him that I probably wouldn't have a month ago. This a.m. he said he had a really bad day and I said I wish I could give you a big hug and he said 'I'd take it' and I said 'well I hope so!'
Oh well, whatever will be will be, right? I'll just look forward to being able to go visit him and know that it will be an awesome experience for us and that we are on the right track. I guess even if the D sitch hadn't happened, w/ him being gone, there would be a little of the detachment going on anyway. I truly still believe that I am in a better place and our M is in a better place since the D sitch did happen.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
cades- I can't wait to hear about your visit in sept. WE all need to hear the good news you will be reporting. I know it will inspire me to keep trying.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Thanks for your support! I'm still having a difficult time dealing w/ some things, but I'm getting better, I think, I hope. It's a day to day thing. Some days are better than others.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
You are doing great Cades. WE ALL sometimes try to hard to think what our S are "really saying". I too take thing too personal. Take it for face value. "HE MISSES HIS FAMILY" which you are part of not "just the boys"
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
You almost made me cry He did call this a.m. and said that he was sick of sleeping in his bed by himself and wished a certain redhead was w/ him Hopefully July & August are going to fly by !!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
July for sure will, with all the planning and prep work for the bonfire. BTW, Husband volunteered to build a stage for all the entertainment....
I agree with Husband try not to read into anything in your sitch. We tend to make things worse then what they really are....Even though things have not turned around for me I keep imagining the worst and am surprised when it never occurs.
