Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Coming out of our "entitlement" ruts?

from the other day...
Well, I'm a little disheartened today, because last night we had some pretty impatient moments and really snapped at each other. Unfortunately, it "felt like old times" and not in a good way. I may journal the details later, but may be better just doing other stuff today.

We came out of it. Watched a funny movie together. Before falling asleep, he said, "I love you," and put a hand on me. I said IL him too and appreciated him reaching out to me. Quick interactions this morning, then I called him when he was at work. Just tried to sound cheerful and said I was thinking about him and looking forward to a nice weekend together. He said he was busy so I wrapped it up. (He didn't waste time talking about how badly he needed to go, like he used to, which I know was intentional.) We said goodbye, ILY.

I was just hurt by how QUICKLY a few snippy comments got all those entitled feelings rushing out of us and how we lashed out. Yuk. Want to try and make that better in the future. At least we came out of it.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend planned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sat. morning here and things have been going well. A few tense words here and there, but we are handling ourselves better. Recognizing our mistakes as we go a lot better than we used to. Just being *conscious* in our actions towards one another seems to help immensely.

We did have sex last night, not exactly like the "explicit" email I sent him, and he showed a little disappointment, but we still had fun. For some reason, about half way through, I got in a bit of a funk. He picked up on it immediately. Lots of negative things were going through my mind and while just a few minutes before, I was breathing heavy and "into it" then we changed positions and I was sort of "checked out." He kept saying "is something wrong? did I do something you don't like?" etc., but I would say, lightly, "no, nothing's wrong." I knew talking about it/trying to explain or correct would do no good, and I would just come out of it soon enough.

Afterwards, we watched some stand-up comedy and I laughed out loud several times, enough for both of us to feel good again. I wish I didn't get like that, but sometimes I just get pissed off/hurt feelings, etc. Trying to deal with it the best I can.

He has mentioned twice that I should talk dirty to him. This is hard for me; wish it wasn't. We were hugging when he said it just now. (the other time was after a joke made by the comic we were watching. He said, "You can't do it!") Anyhow, just now, he was just out of the shower and getting ready to leave. He said, "my junk is clean" hugging me. That did not turn me on, and I felt it was an impractical time, so I said, "Let's wait and do it when you get back with D and she goes down for nap." He said, "What are you gonna do to me?" hugging me. I *started* to try to, (Said, "I'll go down on you...") but I got just that far and he interrupted me and said, "No, like 'I'll XXX.'" He was being playful, but I was serious and it hurt my feelings. I said, "I was trying and you told me I wasn't doing it right." He saw what he did, and just kind of dropped it.

So he is at the mall with D. I am here with baby son, who I just put down for a nap. Gonna try and do a little scrapbooking. Hope you're having a relaxing weekend, everybody!

Thanks for reading - I love the comments and advice. I posted in Piecing, but feel most at home here still.

Man, I don't really know what's going on with me. I feel so low. Can somebody please be a shoulder to cry on? I don't even know what is wrong exactly.

I will try and keep this brief, because I don't even have the energy to try and document the interactions of the last day or so, but basically I feel it is more of the same. Snippiness, stress from parenting, etc.

I have (admittedly) been moody all day today. Was pretty bent out of shape and feeling unappreciated mid-day. Blew off a little steam at H and he explained things from his side a bit (just like what he planned to do to get kids ready for a party to attend, etc.) I understood better, but told him, I didn't know because he hadn't communicated with me. I first said I didn't think I would go to this party, but apologized for changing my mind, but said I thought it would be best for me to get cleaned up and get out of the house for a bit. He was fine with that. We worked pretty well as a team for the party and it was a cheerful event. Came home, I was dead tired. My D wanted to play, but I apologized that I was too tired and slept for several hours. Finally got up, went to Walmart

H and I are talking now.

Can I be honest? I think if you want things to get better, you are going to need to put in more effort to start things going in the right direction.

I know it's not easy feeling like the only one putting in the effort. I am still a bit resentful for that since I felt that I put all the effort into making the M better after H's D bomb and didn't feel like I was getting anything in return, but at the same time, I am also accepting the fact that someone has to do it and usually it is the wife/mom.

Maybe this isn't typical, but I'm willing to bet $$$ it is, that we wives/moms are the glue that keeps our families together. Hope I don't offend any of the males around here, but it seems (and even another friend of mine just said this the other day) that our H's are pretty high maintenance. Sometimes I feel like I have 4 boys instead of 3 and a H. Who takes care of us? But I think that's just the way it is and we can either accept it and be happy in our lives or be resentful of it and unhappy in a lot of ways.

This is just my take from MPOV right now. It seems that the wife/mom needs to take the initiative to "make everything right" all the time, but a lot of times we aren't willing to do that and that's when things start breaking down in the M.

It sounds to me like you guys are just going 'round & 'round in circles. I totally understand what it's like to have the kids and trying to get them ready to go somewhere (trust me, I know -- lately I can't even get out the door to Wal-Mart w/o already being stressed to the max) or just being in the house w/ the kids and all the demands that are on you along w/ the laundry, housecleaning, etc. I think that's how I ended up, as H put it right before the bomb, that I had become "tired, angry" and some other stuff, can't remember right now. I had become those things b/c I was allowing myself to be resentful for all the things that were "expected" of me. But that's just kind of the way it is and I now have learned to accept it. Yes, sometimes it still pisses me off that I feel like I have to do everything, but in a way, I am also finally feeling fulfilled b/c I'm doing everything I can to keep my family happy and that includes my man.

What if you tried to get in the mind-set that you actually could lose H? That's what kicked me in the a$$! When he finally said "I'm done" and it was truly over for him, I was willing to do anything & everything to keep it together. When you are looking at a sitch from a different POV, sometimes things look differently. What if you looked at H and thought "other women find him attractive and he COULD find someone else if he wanted to." What if you just decided to do everything you could to make things good in your M and decided to deal w/ your issues once things were going really good?

Does any of that make sense?

Thank you for the advice...I'm glad you were honest, and I completely agree with you. HOwever, I feel like I get in these uncontrollable moods and I cannot rationalize to myself what I NEED to do, even though I know it's the right thing.

On a positive note, I strongly suggested we do something with H day off yesterday and he suggested a drive into some mountains about an hour away. It was a great family day. Not w/o its little frustrations, but really nice. I think we are HEADED back on track. I hope I can keep it up.

I won't go into it now, but the post I did not get a chance to finish, I was feeling DEPRESSED, almost suicidal. I don't know what's wrong with me. H does NOT deal well with that. I think he believes I'm just being dramatic or something. I tried to give him the analogy of someone stubbing their toe. Just because you are 5 feet away and you are hearing the cursing and anger, etc., it does not mean the person believes the hurt toe is your fault! When I expressed PAIN over how D was shutting me out, he responded to me in anger and defensiveness, like "It's not my fault." I actually said, "I have noone, I have nothing." He just repeated it sarcastically to me and walked off. I was bawling my head off. I know this is so far from DB'ing, but I was feeling out of control emotionally. Thankfully, as I've said, it seems to have passed and we got along well yesterday. Wish I could post some pics.

I will reread your post again CM. Thank you!

Hi, zuzu.

You and hubby need to discuss the situation with your daughter. You need to present a unified front to her.

It is perfectly normal for a daughter to "rooster" all the attention of Dad while ignoring the "competition".

Your husband needs to include you in their interactions when appropriate and instruct his daughter that shutting you out is not acceptable.

Once that is done, it is a good idea to have some daddy and daughter time. Daughters get a lot of their identity from their dads. I took my daughter out on "dates with daddy" routinely until she was almost 16.

On an off topic aside, my daughter unashamedly held my hand in public places until she was 14. She stopped abruptly when some older woman looked at us and "scowled", evidently thinking that we were in an age inappropriate relationship (I have always looked much younger than my age). My daughter was upset at the interaction, so we agreed that we wouldn't hold hands anymore. That hurt.

Even after that when we were together in public, we often received "the look" of disapproval. It is still amazing to me that society is so unaccustomed to seeing fathers and daughters in healthy relationships, that they assume the worst.

So, zuzu, encourage your husband to develop healthy father/daughter bonds. They will last a lifetime, and they should be special, but not exclude mom.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

zuzu,

Have you spoken to your Dr. about these uncontrollable moods that you get into? Those concern me, especially the one from last week, the one you mentioned you were in when you didn't get to finish your post...you were depressed, almost "suicidal".

I'm certainly not going to try to diagnose you, not qualified to do that...but I would recommend talking with your Dr. It's very possible that you need to be on some medication to help level you out a bit. If you do not know what's wrong with you you may have a chemical imbalance going on that could be easily treated...that would make you feel emotionally out of kilter.

Do yourself a favor, take care of yourself, make yourself a Dr's appointment....today!

GEL

I'm in agreement, Zu, since you're already on some sort of AD, you need to talk to your doc, b/c that one is obviously not working. There are lots of different kinds of AD's out there and maybe a different one would work better. I'm on Lexapro, it's more geared for anxiety.

Here's the thing, I am on Zoloft. H recommended it around January (right about the time he met OW at a conference). I started 50 mg (of a generic version) around Feb. 1st. The weird thing is, when I felt that way, I felt like I had NOT taken my pill that day or something. (although from what I understand it is the type of med that stays in your body longer and daily variations should not cause a flux). I was irritable, moody, short of patience, emotional, etc. I am almost tempted to ask if I could up my dosage, but don't want to overmedicate myself and feel NOTHING, plus I've heard it causes a lowered sex drive, which I don't think would be good for us! So I don't know what to do or how to explain what was going on that day (those couple of days). When I say, I was almost suicidal, it was like I could not stop thinking about it, even though I don't desire doing that, have no intention of doing anything like that and would never "leave" my kids. But I kept kind of fantasizing about the "attention" if that's the right word that doing it would bring. I can't bring it up to my C b/c I know she would "report" it, whatever that means.

Anyhow, here's what happened in my cut off post...this is the situation that kind of brought on the depressed feelings (and similar situations sometimes bring on similar feelings).

We had had a decent day, (I had gone up and kissed him earlier in the evening and said, "Wanna reconnect later?" he said yes.) We were trying to get the kids to bed and he asked me to go look at a book with her for a minute. I guess I was unclear whether he was coming back in to her or not. (He was with baby boy-who has an ear infection.) She said she didn't want me to read, she wanted Daddy to read. I said calmly that Daddy was with Baby Brother, but she stil didn't want me to read, so I left her room. I was hurt. I went back in a few minutes and tried again and she sort of let me read to her. I kissed her goodnight. When H came out, I told him what happened and how hurt I was, not because of that one situation, but after the same type of thing happens SEVERAL times in a day. I was crying and I said, "I can't take it anymore!!" in a low voice so she wouldn't hear. He responded in a way that basically just made me feel worse. He said, "Why don't you try not responding in anger, because that just makes it worse." I got immediately defensive and said, "You are assuming I did, when I didn't." He said that's not what he meant. (I still disagree, but he got REALLY angry trying to convince me and said I wasn't listening to what he was saying.) I was looking at him, so mad at me, and I felt like I just NEEDED him, and I was bawling and said, "You don't understand how all this makes me feel. You have no idea. I have noone. I have nothing." He looked at me with this indignant face and said, "You have noone? You have nothing." He scoffed and walked off. I wanted to explode. I tried to talk to him about it more later, but he kept repeating that I wasn't listening to what he had to say. It was only getting worse, so I gave him the analogy of the stubbed toe and said, "This was not about you - this was about me feeling hurt. You tried to tell me that I needed to be nicer to her, which implies I am causing it. I am going to put her to bed when it's bedtime, I am going to have fun with her when it's playtime and I'm going to discipline her when she needs it! I do NOT feel that it is YOUR fault or that you have caused it or that YOU need to fix it. I would like for you to be supportive when I am hurt by it though."

We BOTH recognize a bond between our D and H. It is a good thing, except like you said, NOP, at times, it shuts me out. H tries to counteract it, but often we theorize that she "needs her Daddy cup filled," so we intentionally planned a fair amount of that this weekend. (Actually, he just left for work and she wanted NOTHING to do with me this morning and cried when he left.) We have done Daddy/Daughter dates and made a big deal about it, and done the same with me. (Mommy/Daughter dates), but lately, she has started using our terminology and when I will try and join in a play activity, she'll say, "Mommy, I love you, but I just really want to play with Daddy." She will actually ask me to leave. She wants Daddy to strap her in her seat. She won't cooperate for me, but will for him. UGH! Yesterday, she came to give me a hug and said "I came to give you a hug - Daddy told me to." We are trying, but it seems a lot of what we do backfires. I am a teacher with a Master's degree for goodness sakes. I feel like I should be able to figure this out, but it seems nothing I do helps. My best instinct (and Joey's advice) is to be more of the "fun parent" but that's not really me. I'm the one giving the vitamins, making sure she eats her vegetables, limiting tv time, making her get a Kleenex, etc. We try to keep these balanced, for instance, we'll all 4 be in a store and he'll say, "go tell her to get back over here!" I'll say, no, I discipline her all day long, you go do it." and he will. It never seems to make a difference.

Ok, I am sorry this is so rambling. I never have time to edit like I would like to. Gotta get back to the kiddos. Thank you VERY much for the advice. I am listening and I am reading and I am trying.

zuzu,

I still say, go to YOUR Dr. Zoloft may or may not be what you need to be on right now. You may have more going on within you that requires a different medication. I don't say this additional part to be offensive either, but the part of me that has experienced controlling behaviors from others in my own past prompts me to say this to you...if your H recommended zoloft to you and you took him at his word, coincidentally right around when he met the OW...I find that a bit fishy. Hey may have had your best interests at heart with that medication, he may not have though.

DO NOT UP YOUR DOSEAGE without consulting YOUR physician. In fact, don't take ANY medication without consulting YOUR physician.

Definitely call and even talk to the nurse in your dr's office. I don't think upping your dosage would be "overmedicating" yourself and, like I said, maybe Zoloft isn't for you and one of the other AD's would help more.

I know how you feel, in a way, about H and D. I had a kind of similar situation last night. My friend "Aunt P" came for the weekend. Last night, S7, was just bawling b/c she had to leave this a.m. saying "she's so nice to me." Of course, that makes me feel like sh*t, like I'm not nice to him or something, but then I told myself I'M HIS MOTHER, not his friend. Maybe it's not the exact same, but she's probably just going through a phase. H and I have a lot of times like that w/ our boys, where it seems they are closer to one parent than the other and you just can't let your feelings get hurt.

D still loves you no matter what! And your H may feel the same way about you and S at times, but doesn't necessarily vocalize it.