Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy welcome to my nightmare #3

husband--

It really seems like you're doing well on a couple of different fronts. I'm actually a little shocked that you were able to give up the pain-killers. My H has an addiction to Vicodin (sp?) of about 15 years standing. He's tried to give the junk up many times.

It's also wonderful that you're dating your wife. Cadesmom has some great suggestions about how to act. I'm really hoping that this goes well for you; not being numbed up by the pain killers should definitely be a plus. And you can commence this date with a feeling of pride in what you've managed to accomplish.

Good Luck!

Delia

Unless you have already filled your wife in on the entire trip/activites you and your son recently took, you should have some good funny stories to tell.

skip the book talk.

follow your wifes lead on the conversation. If she is giving short answers, don't push and you do most of the talking. If she is in a good mood, and talking away, ask her questions about whatever she is talking about.

Or...

Talk about a non-relationship book. ;-)

Talk about a great video you rented....etc.

what would you talk about on a date?

Hmmmmmmm......

--Theoden

Hey Husband,

Sounds like you are doing great at the moment.

The headache is probably your body telling you to take the tablets or could be due to some tension caused by subconsciously wanting to take them. You are doing so well though; I really applaud you.

Glad to hear about your up and coming dates aswell. I wouldn't talk about any books to do with R's. I'd try and have a bit of time out from all of the M troubles. Talk about the trip you are planning with your son, talk about movies you'd like to see talk about anything lighthearted and 'fluffy'. JUst keep away from anything too serious and heavy.

Good Luck

Saffie

Thank you everyone.

My head is clearing. It’s pretty amazing how you can be living your life “high” and not even know it.
It’s kind of scary thinking about all of the decisions I have made in the last 2 years with my head in the clouds.

Day 4 doing well. Less temptations coming into my head. I now regret asking My W out Saturday night. I can see it was my emotional side trying to hurry things up a little to fast.
I have always heard that saying: if you love something let it go, if it comes back its you’re’s if it does not it never was.”
Now I know what that guy was talking about. There will be NO R or M or OM or future or feelings talk and dinner unless SHE brings it up. And then I will just smile and shake my head.
Theo

Thanks for your “date” conversation suggestions. I will use those at lunch today. The female coworker / W cousin I am going out with knows something is not right between my W and I but I am not ready to discus anything with her yet. Soooo your inputs will make lunch go smoother. It’s is strange I am soooo nervous about this lunch. I almost feel like I was backing high school on a first date.

Matilda2

Filling up 3 pages happens when you create your own roller coaster ride. I have been perusing and detaching at the same time. Like the push me pull you on Doctor Doolittle. Ya go nowhere. I used to think “I am not driving this car I’m just along for the ride” well I got out of her car and jumped in my own. Let’s see where it takes me.


Cades

September is around the corner July is gone! I’m getting excited for you. Can’t wait to hear how things go. Will you be able to log in where your H is? Where is your H anyway?

Delia

Vicodin is what I have been on. When you first take it that day you get a little rush and then you think you are normal but it is really like being a little drunk. Not swerve all over the road drunk but the “on man why did I say that” kind of drunk. Thinking back this morning on some of the things I have said and done in the last 2 months is scary. I drove over 600 miles with my son in my jeep with my head in the clouds. OMG.


Saffie-

HOW ARE YOU DOING? I don’t know how to thank you. I wish I could give ya a great big hug. Feel good about yourself. You came here looking for help and ended up helping me. This emotional side is my “Pisces” side not the Drugs. It seems so weird using the word drugs and talking about me in the same sentence. I think of drug addicts as people living out in the street and dirty and scummy.
I hope things are going good in your sitch.

Husband

Hi Husband,

Thanks for the 'hug'. I know exactly what you mean about 'drugs'. I too was horrified when I realised exactly what the equivalent to what I was taking was.

I am gradually reducing my medication intake. I wish that I was able to do it the way you have been but unfortunately I have been on such a high dose of my meds that I do have to approach it on a slower basis.

Other than that I am doing ok. My H is being supportive and my problems are what goes on in my head!!! The more I reduce my medication the better my head goes so that is good.

I am really pleased that I found this site and all you guys. Everyone is so supportive and all the advice one gets and the experiences one hears about is inspirational. I have on the whole felt Sooooooo much better since 'chatting' to you all and I think about you all loads. I think that when I post I can be a bit out timewise on the rest of you with me living here in 'Old Blighty'.

Hugs Saffie

Off to lunch

bye

Husband

Lunch went well. We talked about our kids, projects and an all you can eat crab feed coming up. But….at the end of our meal she asked “are things any better at home?”
I told her we have known each other for 17 years and this is the first time we really sat down and talked. I am not sure how much I can trust her. She told me that she feel really bad that I feel I can’t talk to her just because my W is her cousin. She told me that my W has NEVER been happy. My W only really thinks about herself and nobody else. When they lived together they got into arguments all of the time because of my W selfishness. She said my W is only thinking about herself right now because if she was not she would be thinking about her mother (she’s 84). If anything were to happen between us it would literally kill her. I take care of a lot of things for her mom. She thinks I’m the greatest. The whole family appreciates what I do for their mom became they all live out of town so when anything goes wrong I am the one to take care of her.
Well back to lunch. I told her (Cousin) that things are a little better. My W is not being so mean to me anymore. But I have been GAL. I need time for myself and I have been doing a lot of things.
I told her that what we have talked about I want to stay between us. I don’t care is she tell anyone we went to lunch but our conversation is ours. I told her I really want and need someone I can trust because some of the things that have been going on are unacceptable but I have been keeping the lid on them because of things like what would happen the MIL. I told her a lot of guys would have been gone long ago but I am really trying to save our marriage
She hugged me and said what we talk about is between us.

And that was it. I did NOT tell her about the OM. (Who she knows and does not like).
I am glad I stopped the meds because they tended to make me more emotional and I probably would have said more than I wanted to. So what I have learned is my Wife may be bi polar. This means that the OM has sex with a mentally ill woman. (Sick puppy isn’t he)
Sorry I had to get that in “forgive me lord”.
How do you tell someone they need to be tested for depression without sounding sarcastic? I can’t say to her “you need to get your head examined” that won’t go over very well.

One last thing this if for THEO... hey guy we need to find someone smarter than me to figure out with all of our time zones a time that could be identified (example 5:oo pm calif.
8:00.pm Florida ect. So we can slam dunk a prayer session. Get this, we would ALL say a prayer at the exact same time we would pray for our spouses, for each other and for the OM or OW. We need to pray for them also. Wouldn’t that be grand?

I am having internet problems so I am not sure when I can get back to ya all. (I had to type this 3 times)

I am thinking about all of you
Husband

Glad lunch went aswell as it did. It sounds like you trod a very good line with what you said and what you didn't. I personally think you have to remeber that blood IS thicker than water and so do have to be careful with W's relatives.

You are sounding so good and positive. Can't wait to hear how dinner with W goes.

Keep it up husband!!!

Saffie

Thanks Saffie.
Didn't sleep very well last night. I was having pains in my leg. I took some aspirin and it seems to have gone away. I may refill my meds Monday but I need to remember IT”S ONLY FOR PAIN. Well see. Yes I do know blood is thicker than a marriage license but I have had talks in the past with W sister and Cousin about my W moods. They both know I have been strong in our relationship. They both know my W is not a happy person. My W is a moody person. (They have told me in the past they don’t know how I put up with it)This is where I think my sitch is starting to change from others here. I think my wife is not happy. I do not think she knows why. I don’t think she found it in the OM or she would have been gone by now. She is very selfish and I think my GAL is starting to make her think I am not a door mat and can find happiness else where when push comes to shove. You see saffie, my marriage vows meant allot to me. I could and would have lived with out sex, hugging and the ILU’s. If my W was sick. (Physically or mentally). I am not being sarcastic. But that is what I signed up for. If my W was in a coma is the hospital for years it would not make a difference I would be loyal. But…. This OM I believe took advantage of the sitch. I don’t know if you have followed my thread but he used to go out with my W while he was dating another. He married the other and really hurt my W. even after he married he still pursued my W until we got married.
So now my W was feeling low and very vulnerable and he swooped in and took advantage of the sitch. This is part of the reason I would like to contact him. NOT because I want to kick his a@@ but because I would just like to tell him he must be very proud of his actions. And I bet his wife is too.
So now here I am this is what I think:

1. W is unhappy
2. W does not know why she is unhappy
3. W is not unhappy with me.
4. W does not think leaving for OM will make her happy
5. W thinks I will always be there for her no matter what... ( my fault I have told her this constantly)
6. W not thinking “out side the box” (what her actions can cause).


What I don’t know:

1. Can I not worry about the OM
2. Can I pursue female companionship Without getting emotionally involved
3. Will I GAL make the W feel she is not wanted and push her farther into depression?
4. Do I need to pursue W ie. Love letters, hugs kisses to make her feel wanted.
5. Will I ever win the lottery


So where do I go from here? It’s a slippery slope I am about to climb. Saturday I asked her out to dinner and dancing. She said dinner would be fine but didn’t feel like going dancing. Fine I am going out to dinner, going to let the conversation flow and take her lead.
After dinner I will take her home and then tell her that I am sorry she does not feel like going dancing tonight but I do so I will see ya later.

I am and will be there to help her but she needs to get to a point where she needs to ask for my help. Andyv is so right that I have been distancing and pursuing at the same time.

So Saffie what part of the UK do you live? The Cousin’s husband has relatives in England and will be going there on the 10th of July?



Husband