Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? In need of help

Okay so I've been with my H for 11 years will be 10 years married in August if we make it that far. He moved out of the house back in May. This is about the 5th time he's left. Last time was about 3 years ago and was for 2 months. He says he needs to find himself and be happy. So far he's no happier then he was when he left. He tells me he doesn't see how we can ever be together again and things like that, but then he does things like find excuses to strike up an IM conversation. Even once called me for something that could have waited until the next time we spoke. After doing this for about a week he decided we probably shouldn't be just talking because he's probably giving me false hope and he shouldn't do that after having moved out. So he isn't really talking as much now. We have 2 boys ages 7 & 3 so we do have some contact. He takes them every other weekend. He's moved into an apartment with a year lease. Seems from what he's saying that he wants to move on but his actions don't always match what he's saying. He's been married before and has a 14 yr old son from that marriage, who at the moment doesn't want anything to do with my H. He's in town visiting his grandparents and somehow my H managed to be at the same place as his son on Saturday. Needless to say that didn't go well at all. So he had a bad weekend and is down about that. I called him Sunday night to say I'm sorry about what happened and if he wanted to talk I'm here. He never responded. Then yesterday morning he IM'ed me to say thanks he appreciated the phone call. Anyway conversation ended up turning to us (he started it) and he said he loved me (as in past tense) but right now he doesn't trust anyone enough to love and share a life with. I don't want a divorce and I think we can get past this. At the moment he's not open to that. I should say a couple weeks after he left we had a 6 hour talk and he was saying things like he wasn't ready yet or I needed to give him time. We've been to counseling in the past but he isn't willing to go now. I guess I'm just wondering if there's still hope? I realize I'm partly to blame for where we are at and I've apologized and owned up to it he just is shut down right now. I'm not pushing him or calling him all the time. I'm trying to give him his space I just sometimes feel really hopeless. I'm doing my soul searching and praying. I just don't know what to do and any input would be appreciated.

Sorry so long. Thanks for listening.

Sorry you find yourself here.

One of the things I tell myself (when I'm being positive ) is if we didn't have hope, we'd have nothing. So, I say yes, there is hope.

If you haven't already, I'd recommend reading DR.

What have you been doing for you? Can he take the kids a couple nights a week so you can go out with friends, go to the gym, etc.

Any 180s? All these things help.

Thanks there I times I really believe there is hope and other times were it feels hopeless.

I haven't read it but am in the process of getting a copy of it.

Honestly I haven't been doing much for me. Up to this point anyway. I think I am to the point that I will though. It's still fresh for me since it just recently happened. I've been trying to just get thru one day at a time and be there for the kids.

About the last week I've been trying to be upbeat and friendly and nice around him. Which before I must say I wasn't because of the pain. I have lost some weight since all this started and am able to fit into clothes I haven't been in for a couple years. That was a pleasant surprise and I was very excited about that. Not the appropiate way to loose weight but....

It's a roller coaster ride. There are good days and bad days and sometimes it takes everything to just get through the moment.

Get DR soon. It will show you there is hope. Have you checked with your library?

Start doing things for you... things you like to do. I know it's hard cuz some of those things probably included DH. Even if you don't have definite plans, I think you should ask DH about those extra nights a week. The weight loss is a good thing. I think we all go through it. Start exercising if you don't already. You'll feel better and look even better with the weight you've already loss.

I understand the pain and the heartache. My DH left in May, too.

Yeah roller coaster is the best way to describe it. Especially on days where I'm up, down, sad, mad....

I actually just ordered it today so it will get here in a few days.

Yeah not a bad idea but there are days were it hurts to see him you know? We live right behind a school so I go there and walk around sometimes while the kids play on the playground there.

Yeah it hurts. Glad to I'm not alone in this. Not that it's nice for others cause I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I think the worst is knowing it's possible he will break my kids hearts. At the moment my oldest says daddy has an apartment but will be back home in a year. He apparently asked his dad something about coming back home and my H told him he was afraid too.....

It doesn't hurt to see DH.. well, maybe sometimes, but it's him leaving every time, ya know?

Today I'm in a good place. Tomorrow? Maybe not... LOL!!

It might even be good for both the kids and DH to spend more time together.

See, our separation is weird. We see each other every day (unless I make an effort to not be here... and I do do that). He usually takes the youngest one with him every night and drops him off every day. We were having date nights, but not any more. He'll call me if he knows I'm getting off work early (11 - 11:30 instead of 1 am) and ask if I want to go for a drink. I try not to initiate things cuz I can't take the rejection and I see everything as rejection.

Oh you know what hurts? Is me coming home from work (in the early am) and DH's truck is not here. Sometimes if I'm exhausted, I may not notice. Otherwise it's like a big empty space not only in the driveway, but in my heart.

You'll have to look for my "wow, if you go snooping.." or something like that thread. That was a down day for me... LOL!!

Yeah it seems mine doesn't want to be at the house any longer then he HAS to be. People have observed maybe it's because he doesn't want to "feel". I don't know.

Yeah I hear ya. Today is okay well at the moment. An hour from now may not be who knows.

My oldest told my mom that he misses daddy more after he's spent time with him like the weekend. I started picking them up instead of him dropping them back off. So far that seems to go easier on him.

Oh yeah we see each other every other weekend and if he has to come to the house (he has his own side company and it's in the garage). So he doesn't come real often.

At the moment I don't have a job. I've been a SAHM for 9 out of the last 10 years. Trying to find a job since I have no income other then what he pays me for the kids. So far no luck.

Yeah see I think part of my problem is I take what he says as gospel. When I probably shouldn't. Cause even when we're together and he says something good it may not actually be the case you know. So yesterday I said I probaly shouldn't believe what he says. Which is what my stepdad keeps telling me.

Oh yeah I saw that earlier today. I've been known to snoop too. In the past I've found some not nice things but not in recent. I mean he's never slept with anyone else but there have been conversations that he shouldn't have had. Which later he apologized for and recommited to me. Course now he's not living here soo.. Oh but the thing with that is all his stuff is still here. He took what clothes he needed and that's it. Everything else is here.

Sad,

There is hope in everything, but I don't think that's what you should concern yourself with at this point. There is a thin line separating hope and expectation. Don't expect your actions to garner a result. You only set yourself up for more pain with that mind set. Been there, done that! Take the smart advice others are offering on here and look after yourself and your kids.

Think of your H's departure as a stage play. Your in the audience watching and listening to the play, but really have no control over what happens in the next scene. Oh the drama of it all!

I don't mean to sound coy about your situation, but the only control you have at this point is over your own well being and that of your kids.

Tom

Tom,

Yeah I know all I can control is me. I am trying to go on. It's a sad lonely road.

I must say don't like this play at all.

Thanks for your input. Appreciate it.

OMGosh!! I've been a SAHM for 13 years (just recently started doing retail... NOT my thing... lol). Anyway, it is soooo hard trying to find work!!! I'm now signed up with 3 temp agencies. I can't believe it's taking me forever to find a job!!

I know *I* will feel better once I get back to working full time. It kills me cuz I've gotten spoiled staying home with the kids and being with them so much, but I think being back among adults will be a good thing, too. I think it will help my self esteem.

I rely on DH's paycheck, too. (We still share bank accounts where his paycheck is deposited.) My pt job is only about $100 a week and it's not always that much!

About taking his word as gospel. I do that, too... but only the good things. The bad things I try to reason away... lol

My DH didn't take everything either.