Boy, Cemar you sound really bitter ;)... I absoulutely do not dismiss his needs. I would say when he intiates sex it is only about 10% of the time I say "not tonight". I bend over backwards for him when it comes to stroking his ego or talking dirty to him on the phone.. Yes I do all these things. And yes, his needs are important, but so are mine, and all I have to rely on is myself and if Im not happy, how am I going to make him happy??
We are both tired out Cor.. it's bad sometimes. Like tonight I know he's going to be wiped because its so hot here and he's on a roof. So I will wait up for him and maybe take a bath with him or something. I am not selfish, never have been. I always think of myself last.. im not tooting my own horn it's the facts. I have 2 kids to look after and A h I don't have time to worry about what I want at any particular time. Im not feeling sorry for myself either, this is just the way it is and I've already excepted that fact. I just can do without him being mean whenever he feels like it and treats me poorly.. im not the enemy.
Well Cemar I don't know what your stitch is, but it sounds like you just want to lash out at people. I feel sorry for you that you feel that you have to do that. I've been nothing but honest here.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Well now with that last post, tiredandlost, you DO get sympathy and understanding from me. Bending over backwards? Planning to wait up and take a bath with him....my my if I were your H all would be forgiven! (It's downright crazy how forgiving some men can be and how little it takes if you treat them right!)
I think you both need to develop a better appreciation for how hard the other works and how you each feel about the effort and value of your work. It's very easy on both sides to see only one's own part of the course of the day as being "rough work" and the spouse's part as being somehow easier. For example:
He goes to work, he's at work all day long. He puts in the time at work, plus the time commuting, plus any other incidentals (fuel refill, errands) along the way. All told that's the biggest part of his day, and he considers it all "work." Naturally the tendency is to feel entitled to do nothing but "play" once he gets home.
By the same token, maybe when he IS home, more of the time HE spends with the kids is of a recreational nature. He's more likely to be playing with them and entertaining them than he is to be dealing with diaper changes and cuts and scrapes and bad behavior as in things like kids embarrassing you in front of friends and neighbors with big mouths or short tempers! (And no I actually am childless and have no direct experience in this; I am only speculating!) The point? He's more apt to envision in his own mind, your time with the kids as being easier than it really is. From the other side of the fence, the grass is greener, and he thinks you've got it easy compared to what he's doing (all the more so if that involves being on a roof in the heat). You've got the A/C, maybe you're taking the kids to the pool...he can only dream of such things. Unfortunately it doesn't cross his mind that being at the pool with the kids requires constant vigilance and as much time packing supplies as he spends commuting to work! And if it's during the school year...wow! Maybe he thinks that other than a few loads of laundry, you're just sitting in front of the TV eating bonbons all day like Peggy Bundy from that old show Married With Children. (Here's where communication is necessary to better enlighten him).
When he gets home, he wants to relax; he feels he's put in his time, he now is entitled to kick back and relax. Yet you are staggering under your own day's events; you can't wait to dump some of it off on him. BAM- recipe for collision and hard feelings!
Important next step? Communication. In this case, more from you to him...letting him know...as objectively as possible and without placing "blame" on him....the facts about what goes on and why you're so tired. Help him understand just why his conclusion that your day is "easy" is not correct. Better yet...arrange for him to get more experience taking the kids for a whole day on his own, like you do...perhaps by getting away once in a while for a few hours on the weekend for some much-needed (and well deserved) relaxation.
Now what he (and I, and I'm sure a lot of men) still have a very difficult time understanding is how a woman can be "too tired" to want sex. Don't get me wrong...I certainly understand that women have a tendency to feel that way. So do all of us men. But if I can safely assume that a lot of men are like me in this regard, it's not something easily understood by the male brain. It's one of the "inexplicable mysteries of womankind" on a par with how women can enjoy talking so much, using 200,000 words to express what a man could easily communicate to another man with a few grunts (OK I exaggerate but you get my point). To a man, sex just plain feels good, and it's just plain fun. And contrary to what one person told me about his opinions of sex "done right," it doesn't have to be tiring in order to be good. There's room for variety depending on just how intense an experience one is in the mood for. So what people like me - and I"m sure Cemar and others - just can't fathom is how easily a woman can be out of the mood. From our vantage point it looks like all the planets have to be properly aligned and all else right with the universe...or the woman can't be turned on. Whereas with us, if the penis is hard we're ready to stick it in and start enjoying a wonderful time, and it doesn't matter if the house is on fire (well, almost.) If tiredness is a factor...hey, man can be on top and do the lion's share of the work and all woman has to do is lie back and enjoy herself. And we can't understand why she wouldn't want to enjoy it any more than we could understand her not wanting to enjoy a hot fudge sundae or a piece of chocolate! It's FUN! It's not supposed to be WORK! It's one of life's greatest and most enjoyable pleasures.
And when our wives don't respond that way, we wonder if there's something wrong with our woman. We're apt to assume other women would not have this problem, but would enjoy sex as much as we do...and we're apt to feel "shortchanged" or "cheated" or "ripped off" - and if we're Christian, not only by our wives but also by God (how COULD He let this happen after all the promises the Bible seemingly makes about the blessings of marital sex?)
Hence our frustration.
So - for what it's worth and if it is indeed possible (I'm not sure it is) - it might help to be able to communicate in whatever way it takes to get him to reasonably understand, without it coming across as an attack on him, how you could POSSIBLY not want to do something which to him is like the greatest pleasure / hot fudge sundae / shopping trip / romantic dinner / soul-searching conversation / (insert your own favorite personal pleasure here) he could possibly imagine in the whole universe.
LFL says the relationmship must be rock solid BEFORE the mans needs can be addressed (from his view point, there would be very little to consider rock solid).
Ugh. Cemar I did not say "before a man's needs can be addressed." And what about my needs? Soemtimes I want sex just because, it is NOT a man vs woman issue. Your problem seems to be that you do not hear what people are saying to you. It is frustrating and annoying, not to mention whiny. Very unattractive...again. Work on that why don't you? But no....
It kind of explains why they throw themselves into work. Work is universally regarded in our culture as "a good thing" therefore you have an excuse to focus on it and you can get concrete positive feedback in the form of $$
Work can be far more than the $$. At work I am highly respected as I am very good at what I do. At work I am THE MAN in a way that I no longer am at home. I go to work and I matter in a way I should but perhaps no longer do at home. Work brings me validation of my worth. Home doesn't. It is a wonder that I do not spend MORE time at work.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Work brings me validation of my worth. Home doesn't.
That is still a form of 'Other Validation.' The fact that you don't feel the same way at home about yourself as you do at work tells me others have far too much influence over your sense of self-worth and self-perception. Maybe that is where you are getting derailed...???
Work can be far more than the $$. At work I am highly respected as I am very good at what I do. At work I am THE MAN in a way that I no longer am at home. I go to work and I matter in a way I should but perhaps no longer do at home. Work brings me validation of my worth. Home doesn't. It is a wonder that I do not spend MORE time at work.
Oh I can DEFINITELY relate to that. CAN I EVER!
When I was single I didn't understand why the married men always seemed to be the ones to hang around late. Now I do. Too bad that only hindsight is 20/20.
Work brings me validation of my worth. Home doesn't.
That is still a form of 'Other Validation.' The fact that you don't feel the same way at home about yourself as you do at work tells me others have far too much influence over your sense of self-worth and self-perception. Maybe that is where you are getting derailed...???
Corri
Corri, you may have a point. On the other hand I might be a far better programmer than husband so the validation in each area may be quite justified. The bottom line at work is I do not need the external validation. Hell, sometimes the "external validation" takes the form of who disagrees and how vociferously I am disagreed with. I know how good I am in this area. It is much more easily measured than how good of a husband I am.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Are you feeling that knot on your head yet from banging it against the CeMar wall? I finally blocked him...he's just too frustrating.
I hear ya GEL. It doesn't help that I'm super hormonal today and I'm alternating between extremely horny and extremely pissed off. I'm a real treat.
Anyways, you'd think Cemar would gain some insight into his issues with all of the feedback he receives. But...
If I could have one wish in terms of which board COUPLE I'd most like to see IRL, I think I'd have to go with Mr and Mrs Cemar. I'm just so curious about HER. Hmmmmm...
LFL wrote: "If I could have one wish in terms of which board COUPLE I'd most like to see IRL, I think I'd have to go with Mr and Mrs Cemar. I'm just so curious about HER. Hmmmmm..."
I think that cemar is actually a telephone pole that fused to a cable and a troll that lives in a nearby tree, during a lightning strike. He became self-aware, but only from the waist to his thighs, All the rest of his banter is to try and convince us that he really does have a torso and is mobile in more than a single dimension. His inability to answer questions is because his reality consists of guy wires (penis constraints) and reflective tape.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
(And no I actually am childless and have no direct experience in this; I am only speculating!) The point? He's more apt to envision in his own mind, your time with the kids as being easier than it really is. From the other side of the fence, the grass is greener, and he thinks you've got it easy compared to what he's doing (all the more so if that involves being on a roof in the heat). You've got the A/C, maybe you're taking the kids to the pool...he can only dream of such things. Unfortunately it doesn't cross his mind that being at the pool with the kids requires constant vigilance and as much time packing supplies as he spends commuting to work! And if it's during the school year...wow! Maybe he thinks that other than a few loads of laundry, you're just sitting in front of the TV eating bonbons all day like Peggy Bundy from that old show Married With Children. (Here's where communication is necessary to better enlighten him).
