OK, you've been served. Did that just happen, and if so how was it different from giving you a copy? I'm guessing that you signed something saying you acknowledged receipt of the papers.
You went to her IC and everybody was nice and IC used the word "home" instead of "homes." But W is still wanting to D. She has filed for divorce and you have been served.
PLEASE meet with your L tomorrow. Take the Petition with you, and go over W's pleadings one by one. THE CLOCK IS TICKING--HOW LONG DO YOU HAVE BEFORE SHE IS AWARDED EVERYTHING SHE ASKS FOR BY DEFAULT?? What is she asking for? Does it say "joint" custody or "sole" custody--because as I read IN law, those are the only choices.
Assuming Thursday night and all day Friday = 24 hours, and Tuesday night = 3 hours, plus half the weekends totals 51/168 = 30.3% parenting time. Is it possible that anything less than 1/3 in Indiana is considered visitation??
If I understand you correctly, your goal is to delay the divorce, hopefully long enough to give W a chance to change her mind. Letting her get a default judgement against you will ensure a VERY QUICK D. Mediation might take a while, but if you really want to delay, then tell your lawyer that's what you want and she will make that happen.
I really don't understand why you haven't told your W that you want joint custody, 50% parenting time. You hate conflict, fine. Tell your lawyer, and she can tell W's lawyer.
You said that you hate it that W is making these decisions "under the influence" of the EA/OM. Maybe you can't believe that W would be this calculating--acting all nice and yet planning to take everything she wants. What about OM? Is he too nice? Is he coaching her in how to trick you into a bad deal??
BTW, joint custody doesn't automatically mean she won't get any child support. But she will get less because you will have the kids more of the time. Which works out great because she will be free to pick up more shifts at the hospital.
Another thought: Giving someone everything they ask for does not mean they will like you or respect you. It means they will take advantage of you. W and her L are standing up for what W wants. Who is standing up for what YOU want?
Your counseling session sounds like it went well, and you handled it very well. The less you push, the more you respond to your wifes divorce talk with level headed calm confidence, the more your wifes confusion grows. Now that you are 'accepting' the situation your wife is no longer trying to prove that she is right. That little voice in her head that says 'this may be a mistake' is getting louder. That doesn't mean that voice will ever get loud enough, but you are handling things well, focus on whats right for you.
MikeInMid gives some good advice. Talk to your lawyer. There is actually two different things you want to fight for concerning joint custody. 1 - Joint Physical Custody (meaning you split close to 50% of the time) and 2 - Joint Legal Custody.
Whatever you feel comfortable with and can manage for physical custody is going to be a personal decision. However you should insist on Joint Legal Custody. This means you have to agree on decisions concerning schools, medical treatment, etc.
I would also ask your lawyer what kind of shared custody split you need to have the courts enforce residing close together. If your wife gets primary custody she can decide to move to Alaska next week and you would be SOL. Your only option would be to move to Alaska too. So insist on whatever it takes to make sure this can't happen.
Either way, take care, keep up the fight, and do whatever is right for your and your girls.
Mike, her papers to the court ask our joint custody, she is not going for sole custody. I agree not going with a L is not a bright move on my part. I plan on retaining a L and informing her to drag it out as best she can. It does not sound like my W wants this to get messy which I believe is good. I just want what is best for me and our girls. Not getting into a blood bath I believe is a healthy move for them.
Yes, I did have to sign a court paper saying that I recieved the papers from my W.
Is the OM coaching my W? Probably is since he is going through the samething rightnow. He is just a few months ahead of us.
Also I think my time with my girls will be a little higher then what you calced. Tuesday = 3 hrs\wk Thursday-Saturday Morning = 38hrs\wk Every other weekend (dropping them off monday)=55+hrs\wk\2 Add some extra holidays and vacation onto this I should be getting some more time.
That works out to about a 60\40 split. This is probably realistic with our work schedules.
I plan on seeing my L tomorrow and shelling out some money. I will have them file my response as late in the game as possible. From what I read on the paper I signed this morning I have 60 days to respond to my W petition.
I didn't see the response time when I looked up IN--60 days is good for you, more delay.
I was assuming 24 hrs for Fridays and 48 hrs for weekends, so my numbers were lower. But all of those extra hours are sleeping times--again, you are her overnight babysitter.
I know you work days M-F and she works nights and weekends right now, so the schedule is very practical for avoiding daycare. What about in a few years when both girls are in school all day? Will that be the schedule you want to stick with for the next 16 years??
Whatever schedule you agree to, make sure it is stated specifically by the hour, i.e.: every Thursday from 6pm to Saturday 8am. --btw, do you get Fridays off? or is this just a way for her to get her needed shifts in while you pay for daycare?
Even if you think this is fair, I'd suggest you ask for a 50/50 split, with some default timing (even week on/week off) that maybe doesn't work right now, but would be ok once the girls are both in school. That is, her plan for the next 3 years, then default to a standard schedule unless you mutually agree to something else at the time.
If nothing else, this will give you something to discuss while you are stalling for time.
Thanks for painting the picture for me 3-4 years down the line. This schedule only works for a few years until my youngest goes to school fulltime. I am going to push for the court documents to say 50/50 and agree with my W on our girls schedule until they both start going to school fulltime. At that point one week on and one week off would work out.
As for getting Fridays off I currently work M-F. I have been talking to my boss and have been very open with him about what is going on. He knows that I might need to work strange/atypical hours and seems willing to work with me. For this I am grateful. I have the ability to work from home. If I am really needed I could make arrangements to have my DD's watched while I worked from home.
As for the 60 days I was surprised that I had so long to responded. But that is what the document that I signed this morning said. I will confirm this with my L tomorrow.
I also realize that I am being her babysitter, but they are my girls. I would rather them be with me instead of someone else. Is she caking eating with this schedule? absolutely. Is it fair? I think so.
I forgot to mention last night while talking to my W I asked her why she was angry Sunday night while I was at my parents with our girls. She appologized for it and said that it would not happen again. She stated that it was the end of a long working weekend and she was missing her girls. She was mad that I was having a goodtime with them and that they were enjoying their grandparents. She said after she talked to the girls she quickly calmed down and realized her actions where inappropriate.
Other then counseling we haven't seen much of each other and she is still distant. She did not even have the guts to give me the papers in person. She left them on the counter with a note. I was standing there when she wrote out the note. WTH is that all about. I know this is not all about me, but she can treat me like a human.
"but she can treat me like a human" Keep dreaming ERC, they just get worse. You are right though, it's not about you, it's about her, and remember, with WAW's it's always about them. They become very self centred and often just put their heads down and try to bull their way through. Try not to take it too personally, I know for me that was probably the hardest thing to learn (and I don't think I ever really did learn it!). You gotta take care of yourself now, she isn't there for you even in the most basic ways, like common coutesy. Don't expect it.
She didn't want to talk to you about the papers because she wants to avoid all conflict with you at this point. Same reason she is avoiding you in general. She only has 60 minutes per week of "empathy face" and she has to save it up for MC.
She probably realized that the note might piss you off a little, but that was a small risk compared to taking the chance that handing you the papers would set off an argument. Which might send you straight to your lawyer.
Glad you are seeing the lawyer tomorrow. Remember that whatever legal agreement you come to, it should be the fallback position that is enforceable if (when) you two end up hating each other's guts. You are free to do any actual schedule you two can agree on, as long as you are getting along.
One last point: Don't assume your W only will work the hours she is now. Again, think 3 years or 15 years from now. Any CS you agree to should be based on her 40-hour/week earning potential and 50/50 parenting.
Keep having a great time with those kids and W can go take a flying F...
Just wait until the girls are having an awesome time with you and your coooool girlfriend that the girls think is soooo wonderful. Let's see how she feels then... grrrrrrr.....
However, I think leaving the papers for you on the counter is actually pretty generous. One of my friends (who never mentioned to her husband she was filing for divorce) emptied out the house when he was a work (i.e. had a full moving van, took all the furniture EVERYTHING!!!!) and left the divorce papers on the counter.
The first time my husband filed he never even told me he was filing for divorce. He was working out of town and the papers came in the mail. Surprise!!!!! Totally out of left field! I knew he was unhappy because we had just moved and everyone was having a hard time adjusting (we loved the previous neightborhood), but I had NO idea he was filing for divorce. Heck, we had just bought a new house only three months before!!!!!
Now, the second time he had me served (a year later and this he did warn me he was going to do... OW was involved...). He said he'd mail them, but got angry at me and had me served. Being served is kind of humiliating.
So... your wife leaving the papers like that doesn't sound so bad to me. Things could be much worse.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
