Your husband has done a hit and run with his affair. He feels guilty so he tells you about it. Now he feels better and you feel bad. And to make matters worse, he blames you for the affair? Gee, I wonder why you're having trouble getting over this. He's dumped all the guilt on you. Meanwhile youre sitting at home taking care of the children. Do not accept the blame for other people's actions.
The unfaithful spouse almost always blames the betrayed spouse for the affair.
That's common.
Hun...it's not your fault. He chose to handle his personal problems with himself/your marriage by sleeping with another woman.
So...look at my suggestions about certain types of hobbies to deal with your self-esteem. Helloooo...... ;-)
For the next month, don't "work on your marriage". Be nice to your husband. But, more importantly, find yourself, have fun, build your personal sense of strength, power and confidence.
look at my posts to Lonely Olive in "The End is Near" thread.
Saffie...time to find yourself, independent of anti-depressants and pain-killers.
Focus on that, the rest will take care of itself. You are probably wondering, "How can I find myself? I feel so lost."
Well there are certain things you can do that will help you begin...as you do them, the existential questions will be answered.
I copied this from my post to Olive.
Try a few.....
1. Take up new hobby/ rekindle old hobby.
2. Take up a martial art. They really build your self-esteem and sense of self-mastery/power. Mind/body coordination. Trust me. Not only will you look even hotter in that swimsuit of yours, you'll start move with cat-like grace, balance and poise.
3. Talk to some old friends. Good friends. Ask them, "What did you love about me? Who was I? Who do you remember me to be.?" Maybe ask them to write it out.
4. See some movies you might not ordinarily see. Something to jolt you mind/heart. I love Leaving Normal. Real chick-flick.
5. Read the Alchemist by Pablo Coelho.
6. Take a trip on your own. Week's vacation someplace you might not go. A back-packing trip. A canoe trip.
7. Take a three day retreat at a monastary.
8. Participate in a Habitat for Humanity Project.
9. Find some inner-city mission and spend a weekend helping the poor.
10. Volunteer at a homeless shelter/soup kitchen.
11. Start journaling your thoughts.
12. Spend every evening for three weeks writing down 4-5 things you are grateful for that day.
13. Re-kindle old friendships, make new friendships.
14. Start going to church if you already don't. Join a small group fellowship in your church if you already haven't.
15. Wake up 20 minutes early and go outside. Listen to the morning sounds. Give thanks. Say to God, "Hello. If you haven't noticed, I can use some spiritual vitamin B 12 right now. I'm ready for you to blow my mind. Do ANYTHING you want in my life."
16. Resolve that you want to become fabulously wealthy. ;-) Just kidding. It's not about the money. But have you ever wanted to start a new business?
17. Read the book What should I do with my Life? By Po Robinson. It's great stories about all different kinds of people who have re-invented themselves.
18. Read the book, Life After God by Douglas Coupland. It always moves me and makes me think. I often cry when I read it. Tears are a sign that something divine is happening.
Quote: "A large part of me wants to run away as I don't feel I want to let anyone be close enough to me to hurt me that badly again."
Of course people will hurt you again. Life is always a series of ups and downs. Bad things happen. If it's not someone hurting you this particular way, it will be another. People are weak and flawed and that's just the reality of it. Life is not perfect. You can't worry about them, you have to focus on yourself (i.e. building personal self-esteem). You've allowed your husband to determine your self-worth and self-esteem. That's not healthy. So now you can either let the waves pull you under or learn how to swim. ________________________
Quote: "There won't be a 'next guy' if it doesn't work with H. If there is another A then I am OUT."
Hummmm... my suspicion, and I could be wrong, is you are probably too dependent and attached to your husband. I think that's why you are so scared and why you are taking the things he says so personally. You are making yourself the center of it all rather than stepping outside and seeing the situation more logically and less personally. The affair wasn't about you. __________________
Quote: "How can one not take it personally when your H has told you that it is 'your fault' that it happened??"
I wouldn't take it personal because that makes no logical sense, and I know if my husband told me that he'd only be saying it to make himself feel better about his own lapse of common sense, and his own stupid error of crossing over a boundry that shouldn't have been crossed.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
My 2cents Quote: "How can one not take it personally when your H has told you that it is 'your fault' that it happened??"
It's kind of like when you are pouring a glass of water. Somebody says somthing to you and ya splll it. The fisrt thing that comes out of your mouth? "See what ya made me do?" NO he spilt the water. you may have distracted him but he did it.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I can see what you ar all saying, and the merit it it,BUT I know that I share some of the blame. I guess though he didn't ahve to jump inro someone elses knickers - it is certainly NOT something I would do. Its just on the bad days it seems overwhelming whilst on the good days I am all not more rational about it.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
My H blamed me a lot especially in the beginning. It helps your H justify his horrible behavior. If it wasn't your fault, then ...gosh.. it would be HIS responsibility. Maybe hard for him to handle that truth right now. I can tell you that in my case, the blame has settled down quite a bit and I am seeing more guilt and remorse. Just remember that you both have responsibility for your marital problems but the A is NOT your fault AT ALL. Your H chose a very selfish way to make himself feel better.
You may share blame for the marriage having problems that weren't addressed or communicated, but you are in no way responsible for his relationship with the OP. That was a choise he made (i.e. how he chose to ignore problems, thought it was exciting, decided it was easier to communicate with the other person, a friendship that just kind of sprialed out of control, etc...). I don't care how bad your marriage was. That was his choise.
Your responsiblity is limited to your own relationship with him. If he turned to alcohol or drugs to deal with his problems would you be "responsible" for that? Do we really have that much control over our spouse's choises? Sometimes I try, but I really don't.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
