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WAW1978

You are correct. You have a unique perspective in going through this but on the other side. I will definitely take your advice on the MC. It is invaluable to have some insight into what she is thinking and why. Sometimes, at least from where I am, it is difficult to understand what she wants me to do. I do have a problem with always trying to "fix" things and I just have to remind myself that it is going to take time. I really do love her, maybe more than she realizes right now, and want to get back to the way things used to be.

Thank you again for your help, as you seem to be in the same position as my wife and every little bit of information helps me.

Journaling:

Things have not really change over here. Been a normal week. She has worn her ring as far as I can tell all week, so that is a change from last week-she didn't wear it 3 days last week. She did tell me that "I got invited to a couple of barbecues on Saturday." So I guess we won't be spending Saturday together. I hope that she does not stay out Saturday night. In the past I would have said someting about this, but 180ing it I decided to let things slide and see where they end up.

Being patient here, but it is so difficult to be trying so hard and not seeing any progress. I suppose that I have only been DBing for about 2 1/2 months, and I know that it is going to take time. I just wish that she would start to show signs of coming around. I miss her sooo much.

Hey Stew

Hang in there buddy! Good job with the 180. Try not to worry too much about her going out on Sat. A little GALing right now would be good. You should get some really kickass plans going for yourself in case she does end up MIA for the day. Something you really enjoy and may even make her a little jealous that she didn't come along. At a minimum you will have a distraction and won't be so worried about what she is up to and who knows you may even end having a blast and as a WAW it will be good for her to see that you are making your own good times with or without her. Hope your weekend works out for you.

Thanks WAW.

I am doing my best to 180 and GAL. She didn't wear her ring yesterday, and went out after work, didn't get home until about 3:00 am, but at least she came home, right? I am thinking it is because she is not planning on coming home Saturday night, but we shall see.

As far as Saturday goes, I just am thinking that with each time she goes away that we are drifting further apart. We really don't have much of a relationship to speak of at this time, and I could really use every minute I can get to try and rebuild something. It is very difficult for me based upon our different schedules so we don't see eachother at all during the week. Then when the weekend comes and we have a chance to spend some time together, she goes off to be with her new friends-and I am not allowed to be a part of it. I don't think that it is right that she is shutting me out of this part of her life, and I suspect it is because it is going to be her new life when she decides that she really is going to leave. Just so frustrated.

Can you give me any insight as to what are some of the things that she may do/say that would show that she is understanding/ realizing/appreciating what I am doing to try and make this work? I know I am not supposed to DB simply to get her back, but it is obviously my ultimate goal. I am careful not to say anything about my changes to her as the book says but most of the time, it really seems like she does not care what I do, like she has already resigned herself to starting/cultivating a new life. It makes me feel like she thinks that I am an annoying hindrance to her true happiness. What else can I do?

It may seem like she doesn't care but on some level she must otherwise she would have just taken off by now. The fact that she remains in the home with you, even with the occassional night away, speaks volumes.

She may be to wrapped up in her own confusion and hurting to really see the changes you are making. If she does see the changes she may not trust that they are permanent. Keep up working on you and she will notice. Being the WAW myself I can tell you that she will be very suspicious of these changes and only time will show if the nwe improved you is here to stay.

Keep giving her the space she needs. No matter how much you want to fix this its going to be a slow process, no doubt with bumps in the road.

Hope this helps some. Keep working on you and she will notice

Just checking in with your sitch. Hope your weekend went well!

waw1978, your a advice is great. Do you think it really is that she still cares and that's why she sticks around? My W dropped the bomb on me 3 weeks ago, and although I think she's at least having a EA, she is still at the house and we seem to be getting along reasonably well.

Hey WAW:

Thanks for checking in. I am almost tired of saying this but our weekend was just about the same. She did go to her cook outs on Saturday. My only real complaint about that was she said that she would call me when she got there and to her other one and she did not call. I did receive a call at about 01:30 which I did not answer (at buddy's bar again- and no drinking) and when I called her back she said that she did not have any service, it was loud there etc... Well she got home about 02:00am and I strolled in about 02:30am. This time though she called me when she got home and asked where I was and if I was on my way home. On top of the no calling, my sister was in labor so I thought that she would be a bit more concerned about keeping in touch, and we had even talked about meeting to go and visit her, but none of this happened.

Sunday we went to baseball game-we always talked about wanting to get season tickets so this year I finally did- and we had a normal day at the Stadium. She did get up to "take a walk" for about a half hour. Don't know what she was doing, but my guess is she was on the phone. But, can't do anything about it. Well, last night we were at the hospital-where she works- to visit my sister. She gets up to go hang out with her female friend from work (she was apparently working last night) for over an hour as I am sitting there in the lobby. I asked her if she could show me where she worked and she did bring me by there but would not enter the area-she merely pointed down the hall and said "there it is". Is it normal that she is trying to shut me completely out of a potion of her life? I can understand wanting to have space but to completely keep a portion of your life off limits to your spouse seems to be excessive. I cannot imagine why she does not want me to meet anyone that she works with, be a part of anything that has to do with it. She is always welcome to attend work events that I participate in. I just don't understand why she is acting like this. I have always known, hung out with people that she has worked with in the past. I think that she is trying to set up her "new" life and does not want to have me in it in any way. I am a friendly, fun loving person with a pretty good sense of humor, so most people that meet me like me, and I kind of think that she has painted me as a bad person to her friends from work and does not want them to get to know what I am really like.

Right now there is a lot of speculation on my part because she won't open up to me. I am having trouble talking to her about anything other than typical light hearted conversation. Where is she getting her emotional support right now? Her mother thinks that she may be having a bout of depression- there is a history in her family- and is basically taking everything that has happened in the past several years (divorce of her parents, mother's ensuing sickness) and transferring her resentment and anger towards me. I don't know what to think about that.

Another thing that I have noticed is she has been shying away from contact more and more recently. We still sleep in the same bed and if I roll over during the night and wind up touching her in any way she moves away from me (and I am talking about the inadvertent my leg winds up next to hers kind of touching). I try not to let it bother me but it does. It seems to symbolize how far away she has become. We have always been a very affectionate couple and feeling her cringe when we touch hurts really bad.

Oh well, things don't seem to be getting any better, and as far as her reaction to contact seems to be getting worse. Once again, no fighting all weekend and no emotional contact either. I think I sound like a broken record. Sorry.

Hey Dustin

Thank you! I need to catch up on your sitch and I will gladly give you my pennies worth if I can lend any insight.

Sounds like you ended up getting to spend time with the W afterall. Maybe not with the outcomes you were hopingg for but try not to get discouraged. You both have a lot of things going through your mind.

As far as the compartmentalization of her life, you have a right to be wary. Needing space is one thing, but not wanting to show your spouse where you work is another. It does sound a little off, even to a WAW! I am not going to speculate on her reasoning but I do agree that you had reason to be concerned about it. I would try and it put it out of your mind for the time being as fretting about it will just drive you nuts. You have more important things to focus on

You def do not sound like a broken record. I think everyone on here is caught in some type of cycle but were all here to be sounding boards for each other and help when we can. I am pretty sure all my posts read the same too. But somewhere in the rut maybe we make a little progress. Take care.