Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Coming to the finish line! Part 2!!

RCR,

I was a little taken aback at 1) you would assume that I have not tried to help my son, including therapy or counciling and 2) you assume that I need help. My son will have to want to commit to get help and we are talking about that very thing for the last couple of months. He is 18 and legally and adult in the eyes of the law and responsible for his own actions.

What I relayed to everyone on my last post was how free I feel to finally see her and OM for what they are. I have been through the worst of it, all without pills or booze and still proud of that. No I am not too proud to take help BUT....I have been through the worst of it and did it only with God's grace and a lot of prayers and support from my friends and family.

I feel that going "cold turkey" was best and better for me in the long run. I don't take any meds and I don't want to start now.

I finally can say honestly that I gave it all the time I was willing to give. I can walk away clean with the fact that my son and I gave her every oportunity in a year to have a way out, to come home to her family and I know I did all I could to give her space and time.

I believe now more than ever that she knows what she is doing. I believe that there is no MLC for her, that this is truly what she wants-to live in a trailer with OM with no job and live off the little lottery ticket that the divorce will bring.

I also believe that SHE WILL BE BURNED BADLY BY OM-probably after the money plays out.

I also believe that she will "wake up" to her wicked ways when this happens.

I also believe that she will put on a "I don't remember that" bulls*&t story.

I also know that I will not be around to hear her bulls**t when that day comes.

RCR, I repeat again I am feeling a little better each day. I know I can get along without her and I don't want damaged goods anyway.

I have not turned my back on my son. BUT....why does she not get to be responsible anymore-she is capable. She takes care of OM and his daughter-why not her son? Don't give me this MLC bull saying that is the reason. If it were true, she would not be ABLE to take care of others AT ALL.

Why can't she take him. It would mess up her heaven on earth. Her I don't have no responsibilities except drinking and no job and no one to tell her what to do.

Did I mention that when my son was in the hospital the time before last, she had to ask OM for gas money to go see him. I did not believe that until her sister told me the same thing.
Sound a little controlling, does it not. No job, no money coming in, living in OM's trailer and nothing in her name-sounds like she has really painted herself into a corner, doesn't it.

RCR-SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS DOING. There is no excuse for what she has done. When I think of her at all, it is never good thoughts, only of what more damage she can do to my family.

Enough is enough-this marriage was a lie for awhile and now I can see it clearly. Whatever happens to her in the future I will not be there. That is the way it must be for us..

By the way, my son has given up on her as well-his words, sad to say.

I promise to take care of my son the best I can as I have done ALONE financially and otherwise for over a year now.

Where is she, oh yea, playing "house" in the travel trailer with bald head biker and tatooed meth head daughter, nuff said.

RCR, I thank you for caring so much for mine and my son's well being. It is really all in God's hands now. He is the only one that we all have to be judged by one day. My conscious is clear.

Heyya toncatt

there is something better for you out there.

take care

Toncatt, one thing about falling on your arse, if you have padding, you bounce back up, if you don't you stay put! LOL Looks like you have some padding back there!! It does get old, waiting, putting up with crap, being mistreated, I do agree that there is better than that out there for you!

Toncatt,

You can not believe how many times I have thought the same thing. What if I am just wasting my life and H has made this choice and it is what he really wants. Then later I think what if it really is something that he can recover from and I don't put forth the effort to save us. Only to have him shortly do something that proves he is just going along with his life and
is not concerned at all about me--no illness, just plain selfishness on his part--me, me, me.

It has to be harder for you because of your son and the way she is mistreating both of you.

Make the decission and live with it. I wish nothing but the best for both of you.

Take care
Sue

Good. I am glad. But does that mean you have sought counseling for your son?

The second statement shouldn't be surprising at all--since I've said that in probably the majority of my posts to you. I have consistently expressed concern that you are not moving throughy this in a healthy manner due to your overwhelming anger and bitterness, and that in my opinion you would benefit from external professional help. I have asked you on 3-4 occasions in your previous thread whether your son has received counselling. The only answer I found was this, which is similar to what you just said. And on that previous thread I made it very clear that I am not a advocate of pharmaceuticals. Sure they have their place, but I think they are used as a crutch and can be dangerous. I'm not on antidepressants--and have never beenn on them. I took no mental health pharmaceuticals during this crisis either. So it should have always been cleat that my asking you about counselling never included drugs.

Given that sort of response--an avoidance to my question regarding help for your son, what else would I ASSUME other than that you have not sought help for him. Yes, he's an adult--which makes you trying to pawn him off on your Nutcase spouse all the more horrific.

That was my assumption based on almost a year of reading your threads and posting to you. Most of your posts are the same, and it seems most of my responses are also the same.

Your wife has done something unbelievably horrific and this has finally helped you to see the light and give up.
That is usually the gist of each update.

You've also posted that she is not MLC because she knows what she is doing along with versions of your list about what will eventually happen to her--being burned in the end.

Sure you can. But come on...don't mislead the new posters reading your thread. Your 'ALL' ended probably a month or less after your register daye of 28 May 2006. You continue to post saying you've finally given up, making it sound like you have continued to Stand.

It is okay to give up and give in. But admit it. You gave up on your marriage just outside the starting gate. But I have yet to see you working on yourself. I have yet to see you looking in the mirror for responsibility to any of YOUR issues. It's all poor me.

You have given up your power--if you ever had it--to this crisis, to your portion of this crisis. PArt of taking back your power is admitting that you may need help. You are trying so hard to be tough...and I've repeatedly said to me you are my greatest concern of all the posters--translate that to the weakest.

I've heard that from you too. And when was it not in God's hands. He's been there all along, and it seems that at times you;ve been afraid of him. Afraid that you will be punished for having difficulty forgiving and such.

Well, first, your last statement is completely false. She may not be taking care or good care of them. But why do MLCers run from an who begs and clings to a weak OW/OM who is weak and needy. Well, she had all those years with you and she failed to FIX you, so now she's got a chance to succeed at fixing someone else.

As for why shouldn't she take responsibility? You are missing the point. Sure she should. But she's not and awho cares. You are wasting your time complaining about her lack instead of being concered for your son's needs. His needs come first. If she won't tend, then you need to step up to the plate. You love him. SO his Mom's gone off the deep end. There is NOTHING you can do about that. How does it make your son feel...pretty bad huh? Abandoned, worthless etc.

And then you tell her that it's her turn and she should take him off your hands--you can't handle him. Forget her...how would that make you feel if you were in your son's place? And by know you should have predicted she would refuse...sure Hope springs eternal, but I think your spring is contaminated.

Thank you so much for recognizing that I care. It hurst me to see your pain, and then to read how you are dealing wityh your son through your pain. He's already a casualty. And yes, he is an adult and must make his won medical/mental health choices. I know that...I didn't ask if you blindfolded him and tied him up and took him to Dr. Phil. But you are an INFLUENCE in his life, and you are teaching him by example--negative example right now.

Oh Toncatt, I just worry about the two of you.

God Bless Toncatt,
RCR

“It is finished”

As of this writing I am officially a divorced man. It is not the ending I wanted to 24 years of marriage to who I believed was a very special angel on this earth. In a little over a year, everything I knew turned out to be a lie and a sham with her. The person I thought I knew everything about and what she was capable of doing is no more.

For the last year, I have endured the embarrassment of knowing many details she confided to a close girlfriend of hers that sickened me to my core. I have seen with my own eyes her spending money on Mark and his daughter Holly while our son and I ate hot dogs and chopped ham for dinner trying to have enough to pay the bills.

I have thought this was a Mid Life Crisis at one point and every time I thought she surely has “bottomed out” and could do no worse in her behavior and treatment of me and Trey, she showed me cruelty and maliciousness that she really does not care for us in the least.

I have heard her say things over the last year like she is demon possessed and nothing but acid was spewing from her mouth. Nothing but hatred for me-someone who saw no harm came to her in a 26 year relationship

Over the past year the only time I saw her was when my son was in the hospital. He was near death at Halloween last year. I have only spoken with her a handful of times over the year. I did my best to leave her alone, not bother her and let her figure out what she was doing was not “something that God put in front of her” as she said.

I have prayed for her salvation as well as the salvation and restoration of my marriage for all the time she has been gone. I have been pleading with God to restore what Satan has destroyed. When she left, my soul died and my will for living was gone and depression has been a constant battle. Only by the grace of God was I allowed to keep my house and my job and have my son still with me.

I have had many “last straws” with her but looking at my son and seeing him cry and hurt and lash out because he doesn’t know how to deal with all of this, I always left the door open for her to come home.

That door is now closed because of what I consider to be the turning point on how I really see her now. When she called me last Friday to brag about the divorce I finally let her have both barrels, telling her many details that I knew about her adulterous relationship that I have been holding inside of me for months. She still denied these things, saying they were lies but I know better. I know now from her behavior that she is not a person I can care about any longer what happens to.

If felt good to finally tell her exactly what I thought and it insures that I will never be there for her in any capacity again. I want no contact with her who is a whore and a habitual liar. Many times I have told her there is something wrong with her. I think she knows what she is doing and still blames me for losing her job and walking away from her family.

I can honestly say I gave it all the time I was willing to give and many opportunities for her to save face and come home. My conscious is clear in knowing this. I know God hates divorce but I did not file and I am not the one who stepped into adultery and destroyed a covenant relationship in front of God.

I do believe what goes around comes around and all the tears, pain and hurt that I have gone through will be felt by her one day when she finally “wakes up” to what she has done. It really doesn’t matter anymore as I am over the worst part of this process.

God Bless all who cared and prayed for my son and I over this Hell that I have gone through. I can proudly say I did not abuse alcohol or take anti-depressants but did “cold turkey” knowing it would make me a stronger person.

I am a stronger person and have a deeper connection with God now because he is the only one who is bringing me though this. I praise his name that he was there in my darkest hour, comforting me, and never forsake me, changing me forever.


P.S. This is probably my last post on this forum. I see no need now to continue as I have been posting less and less anyway. Thanks for all the empathy and sympathy for what I have gone through. I know it is not over but I don't believe my advice can be of much help to anyone since it turned out in divorce. God Bless all who care and cry and hurt for my plight, Amen.

"It is finished!!"-Toncatt

Dear Toncatt,

I'm so sorry to read all this............I hope you find joy and happiness again .......May God bless you and be with you !

I wish you the very best ! xxx

Toncatt,

My eyes are filled with tears as I read your post and feel so much of your pain. I hope and pray that you are able to move forward to a better place.

My prayers are with you.

Take care
Sue

I have followed your sitch, on and off, and am saddened that your M has finally come to an end. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive your XW (for your own peace) one day.

Take care.

Toncatt, I can feel the pain you are going through. It is fantastic that you have rested in God's arms as you have gone through this. Something important for you to heal is to forgive her. This will be the hardest thing to do but just like God has carried you through this you need to trust Him completely and let go the anger you feel toward your hard hearted wife. She needs sympathy because she is so blind and in pain herself, regardless of how it appears. I am not saying you need to let her back in your life. But you need to show the unconditional love (Agape) that God has for you and asks that you show it to others, even the worst of your enemies. If you are using your anger toward her to firm up your resolve to accept what she has done, you will be much better off if you are able to feel God's love to your wife that He has. He loves both of you equally. Is He disappointed in her? I don't know but probably so. He does not want those who belong to Him to harbor anger toward another that He loves. And He does love her. Let it go and give true peace to your heart brother.

I know how you feel because my best friend of 21 years and wife of nearly 17 years has abandoned my three children and I for a life totally different than her Christian upbringing and her former devotion to God. I do not call her my best friend lightly. I have a sensitive but cautious heart because I have had people in life hurt me terribly before. Whether your W is in MLC or not, it does not matter. She is not well. She chose the world over her family; over a man who obviously has been completely torn apart by her betrayal. Remember when Jesus died on the cross, it was for everyone, not just those who love Him. He died for your wife as well.

Get peace in your heart, my brother. We love you here.