Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Thanks to all my friends here

Thanks but no pmore posting for me now- I am really having a struggle and just am getting confused

thanks-

I will be finishing up the filing as Ifeel that you guys don;t think he will change even with help. I can't take that chance so I will end it.

Lisa

Hi Lisa-
I don't really know anything about you sitch, but I sorry. A long time ago, I went through a D with a newborn and a toddler. I can only imagine what you are going through with 5 kids. Just know that you will get through this and life will get easier. I am sure you have heard that a lot but it is true. Hang in there.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Upside

Yes, Lisa, it is confusing. I'm not sure where you got the idea that we think your H can change. Anyone can change. And I have no problem with you offering your H suggestions for a therapist.

Don't let your confusion make up or mind. Don't let confusion allow you to do something you will regret. And you of all people here are entitled to be confused. A baby less than 2 months old. 4 boys ages 12 and under. That could be enough even for the strongest of people and marriages.

Good luck.

IMP

Lisa,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down on this, but I understand completely. All I can say to you is that I'm now eleven days into my "going dark" phase, but it has actually been more dim than dark. Like you, there are kids involved so it's impossible to severe all ties and communication. However, it is how you manage the interactions that make the key.

I will not say that things are changed in my "relationship" with my wife, but I think she is realizing now that I don't have any buttons for her to push anymore. I simply do not react if she says something bad. That part of it has been going on for a few weeks now. Well, you have read how out of control, venemous and toxic my sitch had become. Now? With the exception of one short sentence to "not too bad" stuff from her, we haven't had a single incident in over a week. There has been very little communication and the situation is, if nothing else, calmed down. Just yesterday, we had two very brief (under 60 seconds) face-to-face interactions, and for the first time in probably six weeks she spoke to me without contempt or bitterness in her voice. No trying to push me into anything, no horrible words and a normal tone of voice. Progress?? I don't know, but it beats the vile interactions we had been experiencing. And today, my daughter asked W if I could come over and swim with the kids (she asks all the time and gets a "no" - I haven't been in the pool with them in about three weeks), and my wife, per D7, said OK. A sign? I doubt it's a real good sign, but my point is that by just taking away her ability to fight with me, she has maybe calmed down. And calming down could be the first step that will allow her to at the very least begin the process of taking a different look at our entire situation. While the bickering, fighting, screaming, vitriol and other junk was going on, there was no way for any of this to even be considered. I'm not jumping to any conclusions by the very small things I'm seeing from W, but at least we are calm for now, and that helps.

So I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you should consider this approach for a while. Take away his ability to even say anything bad. Not hearing it from him will allow you to settle down a bit as well. Remember, if what you're doing is not working, do something different.

Hope this helps....
DNQ

H got a letter from my L and I haven't been speaking to him. He is freaking out, he has been leaving me vm's saying he is getting help please give him time, please don't divorce him he loves yme, he really messed up ,he is getting help, he has an appointment for therapy and will I please go- he can't belive he screwed up so bad again- etc.. I have ignored him except that he asked me to add him as a friend on myspace, I did and I have posted some happy comments to him but nothing serious about us. He talks to the kids but I have stayed busy- he called and wanted to take us to the springs on Sunday and cook out as a family- I haven't answered him yet. He got the kids on Wednesday night and wanted to take me with them to dinner- I nicely turned him down.

Hope I am doing what is right, I am really confused ,I am writing this mainly as a place to put my thoughts.

Lisa

Hi Lisa. Glad to hear that H is going to therapy.

Good luck.

IMP

I am just living one day at a time- hopefully it will make him a better dad- I really feel numb

You're going to be ok, Lisa.

Hi Lisa-
Sounds like you have been on this roller coaster for a while so you know what it is about. IMO, I think being numb is a good place for you to be if you can stay there.

Good luck and stay strong.

<3 Upside

I have been reading your sitch and you are doing good. You showed him you meant what you said and that is big. He is doing the work on himself without you doing the work for him. Its big on his part to admit it but be cautious that it isn't just to get you to stop the D and then backslide. If you want to stop it, tell him that if he doesn't continue with what he is doing you will put it back on without looking back. I would go to the springs just for a lets see how we get along together thing. Its good to test it out and see. But that is up to you and how much you can withstand.