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SD,

What is the question? I'm not trying to be cute but I really don't know what question you are answering for her. (note-i haven't read your journal entry today.)

Nomopo

Nomo,
The question is "How can we (me, she, and the kids) all be happy?"

I don't view this as "my job" to answer, but if I had the magic potion, I would sure pass it around to everybody.

I think this is why it appealed so much to her to go to Austin if I found a job there. Unfortunately, it did not work out the way she had it planned in her mind and she pushed it until now she does not want to move at all, ever, no matter what. (again believe none of what you hear).

SD

SD

Ok. That's a doozy. Did she ask that? Because you sounded like you owed her answer in yur earlier post. If she didn't ask that (and maybe even if she did), I wouldn't try to answer it directly. At a minimum, let it lie for a while. Don't you think?

SD, I would say that this is a great step in the right direction. As I said before it would be tough to see the kiddos so little, as compared to current. This is great.
I think the boundaries that you are setting are helping to ensure your happiness, isn't that what we all are trying to do.
I am glad you W decided to stay in FL and you both are putting the kids happiness into the equation. So many times in these sitches it seems the kids are an afterthought.
You are following your "path of heart" and some dividends are being paid. Keep moving forward. w just may decide to follow your lead afterall. Great stuff.
DB! Path of Heart! No distance from kids! Babysteps!

Thanks Nomo and Cliffy,
I am trying not to get too excited from this development because I know that the real problems are not yet addressed. As I said in an earlier post, I am really just waiting for the other shoe to drop! I know that W is totally miserable where she is and that only she can find her "path with heart" that will lead to her happiness.

That said, we will have to have additional discussion about how to move forward. I will wait for her to initiate this discussion.

SD

Do you know her Love Language? If so, start speaking it. Be subtle, do little things. If you don't know it, learn it.

Anything you can do to help her feel loved will help her level of happiness go up. Then yours will go up as well, and the kids' too. There's nothing better you and she can do to help your kids feel loved than to love each other.

I'm glad she didn't move to TX, that's a great thing. It'll help a lot I think. Good luck!!!

Thanks JR,
I think her LLs are gift giving and words of affirmation. The first one is not really possible in the current sitch as she will view it as pursuing and it may even make her feel guilty. I am working on having PMA around her and thanking her for the little things she does for the kids and around the house.

Again, she is totally closed to working on our M/R and has convinced herself that I, our marriage and the idea of marriage in general are the causes of her unhappiness. I am sure that this relates to the euphoria of her EA and to depression that she has been struggling with for years (I did not really understand this until recently )

SD

Journaling:
Today was rather even keeled. It was my double work out day with weights and spinning in the morning and swimming and running in the pm, so I was not home much other than to pick up the kids for karate and my pm workout. W did offer to heat up left over eggplant parmasian for me since she wasn't having dinner. I called her on the way home from my workout and she even spent some time to put it in a personal dish with extra marinara and cheese and bake it so that it was ready right when I got home.

Synical me wonders if she is doing this to show that she is a full time SAHM and deserves alimony! I hate to think this way, but damn, she is back to staying around the house, drinking wine all afternoon, and not making any plans to change her sitch (training?, new career?, ANYTHING!)

This leads me to my real concern: DEPRESSION. I went over this with my C, who obviously can't give me a diagnosis. Nevertheless, she has FOR YEARS shown 9 of the 12 symptoms listed in DR. In addition, I think that the break up of her 2 siblings marriages due to infidelity of their S's WITH EACH OTHER, was probably the trigger event for both her MLC and for her further deepening depression. She admits the MLC, but won't see a IC and is trying to convince herself (and me) that nothing is wrong with her.

I am considering confiding in her sister, who is her most trusted advisor in her family (still not that close). W was going to move in with the kids with SIL before she decided not to take the job in Austin and I stayed with her when I was there 2 weeks ago on a job interview. SO, here is my proposed strategy:

I call SIL:
Me: SIL, thanks so much for offering to let W and the kids stay with you. I know that W decided not to take the job and to stay in FL, but I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you were willing to support our family in this way.

(Let SIL respond)

Me: SIL, there is something else on my mind that I would like to discuss with you. I am concerned that W's unhappiness may be related to depression. I talked to her about going to IC and she refused. I am not exactly sure why, but I think that she does not see her unhappiness as something that a IC can help with. I would like to ask you to pay attention to her when she visits you next month. If you think that this could be the case, maybe you could talk to her about seeking out an IC?

(LET SIL respond)

Me: SIL, there is one more thing, I know that W will reject any advice from you if she thinks that I am coaching you. You certainly can tell her if you choose, but please know that I am contacting you because I am worried about W. I need her to be happy to be the mom that my kids need. That is my only motivation in talking to you about this, not to do anything about our R.

(let SIL respond)

Me: SIL, thank you so much for listening to me about this and for supporting our family, I know you will do what you think is best and that is all I can ask. Goodbye.

Any suggestions for improvement? Or whether this is a terrible idea?

Thanks, SD

I do not believe it is in your best interest to tell anyone in her family that you think she has any sort of mental illness, I think depression falls in that catagory. I know for a fact my wife has depression, she even is on medication for it and her family knows, but even for me to say anything about it now, would be a death sentence for me. Just my thoughts.

I think it was a fantastic conversation! It's called intervention. You made it clear that it wasn't motivated by your desire to keep the family together. You thanked her for her love of the same person. I think you did a heck of a job.