Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Mixed Signals - the roller coaster edition

Well here it is Tuesday morning and the roller coaster continues.

I picked her up from the airport very late Sunday night. She was exhausted from being up nearly 24 hours. Her attitude towards me was fairly cold and I suspect that was from being so tired but also her wanting to distance too. We really didn't speak much and once at the house she couldn't wait for me to leave. Then yesterday she was just as distant. I offered to cook dinner for her and the girls knowing she was still worn out. She accepted only because she didn't want to cook. I told her I'd be there about 6:45. Well I got there as planned and she was upset because she was "tired and hungry". WTF, I said I'd could be there by 6:45 and I was. Geez even when I do what I say I am wrong.

There was little to no conversation from her and she was somewhat disinterested in hearing about anything I had to say. I did tell her I met with my boss and he's trying to hook me up with a couple of opportunities he knows about. I think she only moderately cared. Funny, I get laid off on Friday and feel great about it and still feel like [censored] with this marriage and non-relationship. I did find out that she made several calls Friday to family and friends to rally the troops. I just didn't have it in me to call anyone. I just wanted to go and sit. So I guess somehow she does realize a little how hard this past year has been on me. How I am once again at rock bottom and trying to get back up.

You know what really made last night hard? The kids. Why, because they were in such good moods, laughing, actually eating everything. For them it was a Norman Rockwell dinner and if I remove my wife from the picture it really was. It was so great to see their smiles, hear their laughter and us just really enjoying being together at the dinner table. Maybe my wife will really think about how great all of that really was and can be.

I'm down at our beach house again to enjoy the sun and quiet. I'm actually feeling really good about the job situation and am researching a business idea I have. The quiet of the beach will be good to focus on that. To be honest, my heart wasn't in the job I had and I didn't completely believe in the business. That's not good when you are at a start up. Good news is I do have a couple of leads already plus my business idea, actually 2 of them.

As for my marriage and relationship with my wife. Well it seems all the good that has happened since Mother's Day is gone. I'm sad about that but resigned to the fact that it may not ever come back. She seems to far gone now. Why such a huge change, I have no idea. But for now I am just going to go and do things for me. My mind and heart are tired once again from all of this. I do not know if I can keep this up til Labor Day. I may go ahead and throw the towel in now. Being treated so coldly the last 2 days seems to speak volumes. Even at the worst times back during Christmas she was never even close to being that cold. Now she doesn't appear to have any positive feelings at all, just anger and maybe hate.

So for now off I go to take care of myself, worry about myself and dig deep, learn to be by myself and no longer worry about her or us.

CF, what's up man. Good to hear the job hunt seems to be going well. Good luck with that!!!

Now, WHY are you letting every little mood swing from your W rattle your cage? Ask yourself how do you expect her to act? If she's hurt, if she's unsure of herself, if she can't get a grasp on her feelings yet, if she's confused, if she's SCARED, etc. how do you think she should feel and act.

Just be there for her. Don't pursue, you know the DB rules. Don't pressure. Let her come to you for heaven's sake. If she doesn't want to be nice right now, so what? You be nice to her, if she's nice you be nice, if she's mean you be nice, get it? Don't let her roller-coaster make yours worse than it has to be. You control you! She doesn't.

If you want to talk about it, e-mail me some more or something. I'm just here with the door open hoping my W walks through, I got nothing but time!

I guess ultimately that's my struggle, time. As you so elegantly pointed out some time back I am so ready to just get to work and get it solved. That's me, a doer. Funny she's a doer too. I really, really struggle with the whole "fix it" aspects because that's what I do. Michele really warns us fixers in her books and I am definitely a classic fixer.

As for moods, I admit I have always been a mood swinger and one of my methods to deal with it now is to "journal" here. What I love is my journal talks back thanks to folks just like you.

So what I really want is the patience you've been able to harness. Tell me there is some secret recipe.

The only thing I've found is prayer. No kidding, everything else is a temprary distraction.

I get through the day fairly happy with a LOT of prayer.

Oh, and we're all fixers. Get it through your head that you can't fix , lose the need to fix the situation and you're 99% of the way there.

Prayer, now there is a HUGE struggle for me right now. I literally am at "writer's block" with prayer. It's been going on for a couple of weeks now. I think it has to do with how emotionally spent I am at the moment. I even have a hard time just sitting and saying "God, I am struggling, I do not know what to say in prayer right now. So I turn myself over to you." That's what my priest said I should do but I am having trouble with it. So I am finally resigning myself to a process and look to just get through it. I know I'll be able to pray again and move to a better place. This little sub-journey just bites royally right now. Hopefully going and sitting on the beach again tonight will inspire me again.

Bottom line for me right now is I need to find it within me to really turn it all over to God and let go. I'm not letting go which means I am not being 100% faithful. Now that's a hard pill to swallow not that I admit it.

Hey I will say I did something over the weekend and really made me feel good. After I talked with my wife on Friday I knew I really needed her loving support and I needed to give her loving support. So I put my ring back on. It felt strange and wonderful at the same time. I took it off yesterday out of disappointment and emotional let down. I felt like it was just pressure on her too. I put that ring on for me and nothing else. Maybe I need to put it back on for me, for my belief in my commitment to myself, God and my vow to her. Are you still wearing your ring?

My ring never comes off (I even have a callous from weight lifting with it on). It reminds me of what I have to do. The rings are gifts we give each other to remember each other and our commitments and covenants. I forgot my W; I'll never forget again and the ring reminds me all the time.

As for your prayers, just start and then listen. Don't press the issue, just listen. A prayer isn't just shooting a bunch of information up to God, it's 2-way communication. Just sit there in the quiet and listen. It'll change your life.

Thank man, that's exactly what I needed to hear. :-)

Glad to be of assistance

How far is it from Baltimore to where you are in NC? We'll have to get some dinner next time I'm out there for work if it's not too far...

JR 2007 & Catfan, gentlemen may I ask you a question?

My H was absolutely wonderful last week. This week He won't look me in the eye, is terse, and barely even coherent. Although I've sent an e-mail just regarding our upcoming C apt., I've tried to stay out of his way. Did I do something wrong? I feel like I'm the person going the extra mile even though I'm the person who asked him to find another place to live. Is this normal, to swing from highly affectionate--perhaps the best week we've had in months--to this absolutel silence?

Bella, I think the short answer is yes this is somewhat normal. There's not telling why he's swung so much. Shoot I know I tend to be a moody guy, just read all my posts. What you need to do is not worry about the why's because you'll drive yourself crazy and never get a good answer. Just accept it that he's going through a process.

I'm not familiar with your situation, can you give me a link to it? I'll read over it and give you my insights. If you haven't started your own thread do so and use it for a journal too. By keeping to one thread you'll be able to easily follow your situation and we'll be able to better help you.