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How are you doing today?

Thank you all for your support. This is certainly not an easy time and knowing that there are others who have been here and lived through it is reassuring. I am hanging in here and taking one day at a time. spent friday alone at the beach reflecting on everything and meditating on the good times in our marriage so I could try and have a more positive outlook when I went to MC on Sat AM.

I went to the bookstore and of course the only marriage help books I could find were all Dr. Phil, who I find annoying. (Sorry if anyone likes him, no offense)so I am going to order the suggested reading from amazon.

Anyway, first MC session went well for me. Not so much for DH. The counselor who is a man and DH picked, basically told my DH that he is responsible for driving me away and that he needs to be the one to put in the most effort going forward. I wasn't sure how this would go with DH since most people don't like hearing anything is "their" fault etc. But he was surprisingly humble and acknowledged that he did most of the things that got us to this point. I took full responsiblity for my part in things which was letting him get away with his unaccpetable behavior for so long. But those days are over. I need to stand my ground and set boundaries.

DH is very concerned that its "too late" for us. It doesn't help that I refuse to give the man false hopes and deny that. He says he is going to make changes for me but I told him these changes need to be for him. I cannot promise him that my feelings will return. I need to see a different him because I don't want the man he is right now. But I don't know what will happen. I have an open mind and am willing to continue to see the MC but my heart is closed and empty right now because I am so hurt, angry and frustrated that the only time DH felt the need to do anything is when I told him I was leaving. The MC says this is okay and that I need to feel however it is that I feel and not be apologetic about it.

So all in all we like the MC, we are going back next week for another session. DH was surprised when I left again to stay at my Mom's again but this is part of the boundaries thing. I was serious about wanting to separate and I am not backing down. I did spend Sat all day and night at our home to be with D4. So far she hasn't caught on that I am not sleeping there.

PS: Anyone come from really large nosey families? Its the family scuttlebuck that I am left DH and now I am getting 2 cents from everyone...They all like my DH and somehow are vilifying me for leaving. Family clamboil yesterday and i was driven away by the constant discussion of my personal life and marriage.

My MIL also called my Mom to discuss and thankfully my Mom just said for her to mind her own business and let us work this out on our on. Any advise on how to handle the onslaught of family judgements?

Good post WAW. Thanks for sharing. It helps me understand how my W may be feeling.

Sorry, no advice on the families.

Sounds like MC went well, and the C is good.

Good luck, and keep posting (please!),
Nomopo

Well my W is in the same sitch as you, even same ages. Her family is doing the same thing. I spoke with them and told them to please back off, we have to handle this ourselves. Of course kind and lovingly.
I am glad you are posting here, it is great to see opposite viewpoint.
I think you need to remember one thing. My W hinted at things adn even came right out and said things, but it didn't hit me until she told me ILYBNILWY. Of course I pursued, etc. but fortunately not for too long.
It will sink in with H, remember you need time and space, but he more than likely wants a quick change back to the way things were. He has to come to some realizations, but I think recommending DB could not hurt, or maybe even buying him a copy.
Neither of you can control each others behavior.
It is great to see a WAS on here, it shows us that some actually care and gives the different perspective as well.
The feelings can and will come back if you make some effort. I hope your H pulls his head out of his a$$, many of us here I think would be fortunate to have a WAW who is willing to try like you.
Back to the family thing maybe you could try something like this, H I need the time and space to sort things out on my own and the family is driving me further away, could you please tell them that we need to sort this out on our own.
I think being honest with him is a great thing. By taking an honest look at what you have done to cause this sitch and reading up, you will come to the realization that there are things you can do to get the "love" back and you can lead H down this path.

Last night wasn't great. DH is pushing for me to commit to future activities...ie. an 8 day trip to LA/Vegas for a wedding in august, riding with him on his new motorcycle that he wants to buy. I just completely withdrew. I was at the house to spend time with D4 but after she went to bed I just wanted to be alone. I know this must sound awful to the LBS here. But I am trying to figure this out. I don't want to make an awful mistake and have my little girl lose out on a great family. DH is the best Dad anyone could ever want and I admire that. This is one of the reasons I stuck around long after I knew I wasn't happy.

I felt like a stranger in my own house last night. Like I was visiting. I can't take this being in limbo and spending a night at the parents and then nights home to be with D4. I am living out of a bag most nights and its not a secure feeling and I am very sad and depressed. DH is insistant that I not take D4 out of the house with me. I actually got the impression he thinks I might snatch her or something...totally offending I might add.

Anyway, my Dad called this AM and his duplex will be empty and ready for me to move in to soon. I have a vacation that i planned with DH the second week on July. I guess thats when I will be moving out completely. So instead of nice vacation I will be packing, moving into an empty place and probably having a yard sale since I have accumulated so much crap and have no $$$ to buy furniture with.

Wow...From bad to worse. Went with DH to D4's dance recital rehearsal last night then took her to McDonald's to celebrate since she did a lovely job. DH was cold and barely spoke a word to me. Isn't this something you would do if your spouse wasn't/isn't willing to work on your R/M?

All I know is that my patience is wearing thin and I am really not sure how to keep moving on. I thought that the MC session had given DH some motivation but I guess I am wrong. I also think he is pissed because I didn't seem enthusiastic about him buying a new motorcycle. Help me out here, how will another debt help this situation? I do not want to put my name on another debt so I can be stuck with it if things do not work out.

Help me here LBS's...what is going on? Why is he turning cold and bitter all of a sudden? I am extending the olive branch with the MC but I can't pretend that everything is "fine" because of 1 session and no real changes yet. If anything his attitude has deteriorated rapidly and it is driving it home to me that this M may not be worth working on.

This whole situation has made me so sad and depressed. Yes, I know I am the almost WAW but I am trying. I haven't given up yet but its not very hopeful at this point.

Any insight as to why I am getting this reaction?

Hi, I'm sorry you are feeling sad and depressed. Take it one day at a time right now. Slow down, breathe, and try to continue focusing on you and your daughter and not so much on the marriage right now or your husband.

I can't speak for your husband. I have no idea what he is feeling or thinking or his history or his personality. But I will give you my own thoughts regarding why I maybe did react in some of those ways in case that is at all helpful.

1. I know my husband acted with anger, because I realized that is how men often deal with their saddness and with feeling disrespected. Rather than cry like we women do, they get pissed off when they are disrespected or hurt.
2. Even if my husband was unhappy for years or months, I truly didn't know or understand and certainly didn't know the depth that it was a problem. So, when it all came out, I was in complete and utter shock. And while to him, his asking for space and time and thinking and agreeing to go to some counseling, may have appeared like an olive branch and trying, they didn't seem like trying to me. To me, it seemed like he had left. He kept telling me he was trying and I couldn't see that. I saw a man who had abandoned me and our marriage. A man that had decided that he wasn't sure if he would honor his committment and work on it no matter what. I saw a man who had left me and was treating me without love or respect. I saw something coming at me rapidly and quickly and I was in shock, I was angry, I was sad, I was horrified, humuliated, and many other things. I saw someone blaming me for all of his unhappiness and telling me that his future couldn't be happy if he was with. I felt someone was making me the cause of all his pain and unhappiness and wasn't taking any responsibility for himself and his happiness.

So, I'm not sure if that helps you, but I think it's important to remember that you two are coming at this from two extremely different views right now. Don't try and read his mind and don't take his actions and reactions personally. He is in his place right now regarding his feelings and you are in yours and this can spiral so quickly out of control as you assume what the other wants, thinks, and needs, instead of focusing on getting yourself healthy and openly communicating with respect and care.

Thank you Galing!

Easier said than done, but I will try and focus on me and my daughter for the time being and try not worry about H or the M.

All of this baggage is draining and the fact that I feel displaced right now and don't really have a "home base" is getting to me. None of this is routine so I am really thrown off kilter anyway. Add that to all of the things I am feeling and its a recipe for disaster. I will try and not assume what he is thinking but I can't help but feel the sting of him being so bitter and cold.

I know for me, it was helpful when my H would say to me "I am trying right now. I know it is hard to understand but this is all I can do right now. I need space and time to heal and work on me."

Also, I don't think I appreciated how hard it was probably for my H to be displaced and not have a home. As a LBS, it is really hard to feel sympathy in the moment for that because you feel like "well then come home, you are doing this to us and to yourself, you are picking this... duh... you should be unhappy." So, I know that sounds cruel... but that is a thought that went through my head from time to time. So, try and keep in mind that he probably doesn't understand that feeling of pain that you have right now, because he may see it as you being happy to leave and be on your own and something you are picking and choosing.

Not to justify, but I would suspect he is scared and hurt, and that is what is behind his actions. Not that that makes it any easier to deal with or right, but he is probably lashing out because he feels lost. I would say explore this with your C next session. If s/he is any good, they should be able to guide you in a way that lets him explain to you (and more importantly to him, because most of us men do not understand our own emotions at all because we've been taught to bury and deny them) what he is really feeling and you can explain to him how that makes you feel and how it is pushing you further away.

I'm sorry it is so hard for you. I do understand what you are saying about how this affects you, and it makes sense to me how it makes you.

If you were being completely honest with each other, and you had no reason not to tell him exactly what you thought and felt, what advice would you give him to maximize the chances that you two could stay married and build the relationship that you think you both deserve? If you were not his WAW, but rather is R coach, why steps would you outline for him to take or what things would you tell him to keep in mind. Thinking about this migh help you coach him if the opportunity arises.

Would it be possible for you to meet with your MC alone, tell him/her where you are at, see if s/he knows about DR, and then have C meet with H alone and impress upon him that he has one shot and that he needs to get past his emotions, confusion and blame and get to work finding solutions while giving you the time and space you need?

Hugs,
Nomopo