ST On the praise - most of the time he reacts well, but if he's in that really dark/down mood that seems to come over him at times, he responds totally different. 90% of the time when I praise him, thank him, tell him he did a good job on XYZ he says thanks, gives me a hug, etc. It's that other 10% when he turns it around and gets really down on himself. Dunno..
Yeah, H is BIG on friends, that's for sure. It's something we've never really come together on exactly - I like quality alone time w/him, he likes to have a lot of people around him all the time. We talked about that in MC actually, and H said one big problem is he always felt I was jealous of time spent with friends. I was sometimes, not most of the time, but I guess it came across that way. Something to work on if we get there... not yet though. For now I'll just work on developing my own friendships.
I did think it was good he said she could come to the movies with us.
Dave Agreed - I think it's good. The "negative voice" in me keeps whispering that he's doing this to help me develop a support system before he drops the next bomb on me... but I keep telling it it to shut up.
I think one other thing I really need to work on is rewriting the "scripts" that run in my head. I think I've heard it referred to as "self talk" in the psych world? I just notice that I keep having these negative things run through my head - like what I mentioned about the friends, blaming myself for the distance that's come back into our R, wondering if cleaning out the garage and selling stuff is related to another impending bomb.. those kinds of things. I KNOW better, I KNOW these thoughts aren't logical and that I need to turn things into positives. But knowing it and making it happen are two different things, as we all know. So.. working on that, along with getting back into the meetup things again.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
P.S. Does he react badly to praise from you in his bad moods because in those cases it really IS patronizing? Are you doing it to fix him, make him feel better? Maybe try validating his bad mood instead?
Oldtimer - thanks for posting. I hadn't heard of that book - thanks for the recommendation. I have a whole stack of books that I still haven't gotten to reading, but will add that one to my reading list.
The positive reinforcement is similar in both cases... but here's an example. Of course not word for word, but close to some conversations we've had.
H mows the yard and I notice it (and I'm also working on taking better notice of extras he does, like pruning, edging).
On a good mood day: (in fact this happened yesterday) Me: Wow babe the yard looks great! H: Thanks (happy tone, maybe a hug) Me: And you edged too, and the bushes look great - that was a lot of work. You're good! Thanks for doing all that. H: Sure! (again, happy tone, maybe a hug, sometimes showing me other work he did around the house or yard)
On a bad mood day: Me: Wow babe the yard looks great! H: Yeah (flat tone) Me: And you edged too, and the bushes look great - that was a lot of work. You're good! Thanks for doing all that. H: I'm not good. You shouldn't say that.
... and at that point I get kind of stuck. Old me jumped into "Yes you are, what are you talking about, what's wrong?" I don't do that anymore, but I am still struggling to find a good way to respond. If I validate his bad mood he seems to get into a worse mood - but maybe I'm not doing it right? If I leave or go do something else I feel like I'm ignoring his emotions again. What usually happens is:
Me: You seem kind of down. H: Yeah. (sometimes followed up with "life sucks and then you die" type comments - those times he seems to like having me nearby but doesn't usually say more; other times I just get a glare, those times he seems to not want me around)
... and again, I don't know what to do. I do sometimes end up trying to "fix" things (maybe?) by saying something like "Anything I can do?" More often than not it ends up with H staring at the floor and me rubbing his back (if he seems to want that), or him going out to the garage (I don't follow anymore), or sometimes I'll say something like "Sorry you're having a bad day" and then go and do something else.
Last edited by NikkiB; 06/19/0703:57 PM.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
... oh, and yes, the other thing that usually happens is me getting insecure and freaking out inside... but I am working on that, and I no longer freak out to H.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
"On a bad mood day: Me: Wow babe the yard looks great! H: Yeah (flat tone) Me: And you edged too, and the bushes look great - that was a lot of work. You're good! Thanks for doing all that. H: I'm not good. You shouldn't say that. "
Well, you can't do much about that kind of crap except call him on it. H is trying to tell you he is a creep without doing so because he feels guilty about something.
I'd reply, "Don't tell me what to say. If you feel like crap, it is your problem. Don't make it about my compliment to you."
"but I am working on that, and I no longer freak out to H."
No wonder you are having anxiety attacks. It sounds like you are building an M in which you cannot be authentic with H. Why aren't you working on this together as partners?
For some reason, something's just not clicking for me. For example - "If you feel like crap, it is your problem" - isn't that telling him how he feels?? Similar to "Sorry you are having a bad day" - telling him what kind of day he's having - which I also know isn't "right" but it's where I get stuck repeatedly.
If he's in a bad mood and responds that way, isn't calling him on it kind of the opposite of validating?
What am I missing??
Sorry if I seem dense - I have just never learned this stuff and appreciate the help.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
