Your sitch sounds very similar to mine but you appear to be ahead of me in the recovery stakes. It is such a relief to find people with similar thoughts and feelings. I have read some of your posts and found them inspiring. At the moment I think I could become a WAW in order to try and limit the pain. I dont want to do this as I really love my H and would really miss him. I have never looked at another man romantically since the day I met him, but I obviously stopped showing him I felt like that. With the advent of children we grew apart and somewhere along the line we stopped talking and started confiding in others - me in my girlfriends and him eventually in one of his staff. She wasnt particularly attractive or unattractive, (although she had a high opinion of herself). What she did do though was smile alot, (so he says), and that was something I definitely did not do much. In the 18 months the A went on he slept with her 5 times and he said the sex was awfull and not what he was looking for - he wanted a friend. She wanted sex, the Chief Executive of the Co., his paypacket and my life. She even started to mold herself on me down to joining a bkclub!!
I find the fact that he had an affair at all v.hard to deal with but I can see how it came about. Living with the fall out though is so hard. All the staff new about tha affair and never mentioned it and so whenever I have to socialise with his staff now I feel embarrassed, made a fool of, alienated etc. Even tho she left as soon as I found out, we live in a small community and her parents live in the same village. We have common acquaintances and so on. I live in fear of running into her, (although my husband maintains she is probably more frightened of me!). I dont know what I would do if I met her.
In addition I feel sorry for my H that she probably didnt love him at all and saw him as a way out of her unhappy marriage. She viewed it as a game and even said to my husband in an email that I played a "good game". This was no game - it was my marriage. I dont see the situation as being about winners and losers, more about pain and damage limitation and wanting to forgive. Her callous and cavalier attitude have left me incensed and burning with feelings of injustice. How could my husband get involved with someone so horrid that they wld seemingly not care one jot about my children even if she hated me? I guess thats a silly question when she was willing to abandon her own kids, (aged 9 and 7), in order to pursue her own interests.
I dont like to feel all this dislike. I just want her out of my head. My H knows how much I love him and I do believe he loves me and he is a really good dad aswell. I just want to stop thinking about this OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone tried hypnosis? I'm getting desperate enough to try anything to forget her.
I have a nice life, a lovelh home, four fantastic happy healthy kids and I am a stay at home mum with my horses etc. I have a lot of reasons to stay when I add it all up but sometimes that just doesnt feel enough. I feel really bad that I feel this way looking at some other peoples sitchs but I cant figure out a way to get to forgiving the OW so that I can get over this problem and progress.
suggestions gratefully received...........
Me-42 H-42 M-21 years on 20th Sept 2007 together almost 22 years D15,D14,S12,D9 H's A with OW-Jan 2005 to Jul 2006 bomb dropped & A ended Jul 2006 H at home at all times H last slept with OW on my youngest daughters b'day so no way to 4get that date. Told about affair on 4th July; unfortunatley he picks dates real easy to remember!!!
Last edited by saffie; 06/19/0711:01 PM.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks for your comments. My husband waslike yours and didnt feel wanted anymore and has responded well to knowing that he was loved by me. I also feel that compared to most of the other sitchs I read about I have 'had it easy'. However it still isnt easy is it. I know i need to 'forgive' the oW and that will end uo being a present to me but i cant see a way to do that. She used my husband and she abused me and my children. Why are we all paying the price whilst she has just breezed on to pastures new? I want to get rid of these feelings that make me feel small and petty but I just dont know how to. I know its better to keep ones head up and act like an adult but sometimes I dont want to - I want to tell her what I think of her but friends tell me that she will think shes won if I do that as she can see that I am still hurting. Its not about winning / losing though is it? In an email to my husband she said that she thought he should apologise to her husband for them having had an affair - well she's never apologised to me!! Double standards or what? And thats when she instigated the whole sorry mess and abandoned her kids etc. Oh I must stop ranting on - sorry.
Thnx for your helpfull comments
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I don't think you need to forgive OW. You are free to hate her for what she tried to do to you and your family. I meant that you need to forgive your husband and you need to forgive yourself for whatever actions you may have done that made him feel unwanted. He he needs to forgive both you and himself. She's not part of this.
I don't think there is any chance she can think she's won if you tell her what you think of her or not. She can see, or hear from others, that you and your husband are still together and happy. And she can no longer work at his company. No, she is obviously the loser, and everyone knows it.
Try a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. Psychiatirsts will only medicate.
There's a book called Authentic Happiness by Seligman. Read it cover to cover and do all the online excercizes (you can register at his website). There's even a chapter on forgiveness, which is key to not obsessing about OW. Great stuff.
Here's something that might help.
The key is to get some hobbies in your life that consume your attention so completely that if even for an hour a day,you can NOT think about her, it will begin the process of healing.
Painting? Karate? Rock Climbing? Ball room dancing? Fencing?
Notice how they require extreme focus? They consume your attention. They free your mind to focus on the moment. Running or Biking are good for the health, but allow your mind to wander too much. When I was finished with a bike ride, I often was furious and upset.
I did go for CBT with a clinical psycologist - i was doing that as a way to improve our marriage before I found out about H's A. I carried on seeing the counselor for a while but it got to the point where he said that I was naturally using CBT and he wld be stealing my money if he kept meeting with him. I am thinking about going back to him for more help and I am definitely going to get the Authentic Happiness book and work through it.Part of my problem is that I am good at rationalising things when with a 'professional' and can even laugh at some of the things we have done, but in the middle of the night I am so alone and going crazy even with H next to me snoring!!
H and I have talked extensively about things and both appear to want to move in the same direction. There's shed loads of love and we do get on well in so many ways - we just lost each other for a while. In my head i can understand why he did what he did and although I THINK that I have forgiven him, perhaps in my heart I haven't.
I completely take on board Theoden what you say about hobbies. I am really in to my horses, (which my H isn't). I spend a fair while dealing with them and their needs whilst H at work and my mind wonders both when I am excercising them and mucking out!! All the children are at school and so I spend a great portion of the day by myself with just my thoughts for company. I can see that this is perhaps not too healthy but I find it more comfortable than going out and socialising much as my self esteem has taken a massive knock. I know I need to motivate myself more but I find it very hard. My thoughts and the lack of sleep are really dragging me down.
Sorry to sound so miserable.......
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I do get your point and will have to give what to do some thought.I am not willing to give up the horses though as they force me to get out the house in the morning.
I have ordered the book you suggested and made a promise to myself to phone mt clinical psycologist in the morning to make an appointment.
Cheers for all the support.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
It sounds great, Saffie, and there's no way I'd give up any horses either. If you're in a blissful mood, there's no substitute for the calmness of horses and the summer beauty of their pasture. On the other hand, when your mind is reeling over some silly nit-wit bimbette who nearly stole your H, horses don't provide much input.
I don't suppose you could go saddle one up and go jumping over all the fences in the countryside? It would give people something to talk about.
Do you think a vacation with your H might be in order? Ever thought about scuba-diving?
I'm sorry, I'm just being silly. I resist nearly all physical activity--except bicycling--very strenuously. But I've seen plenty of people benefit from very slight changes in their habits.
I threw myself into redecorating. Especially the bedroom. New headboard, new mattress, new sheets, quilts, pillow shams, new paint. Everything to wipe out the scene of the crime. Not that he had OW there, but he had his deception there. Now the room is beautiful and it doesn't remind me of his affair.
