Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy 18 mos and counting...

Thanks WAW OC.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, and I understand it all too well. It hurts too much to think about what WAS is doing at any given moment. I guess I have really learned (through practice) to detach and to GAL. But it's a process of grieving and - day by day -letting time take the edge off. The God of my understanding has given me courage, grace, and patience I guess. I am grateful for that. The beginning months were very, very hard, I wasn't sure I would make it with my sanity intact. I relied (and still do) on my friends, the support here, the love of God, and on myself. I now know unequivocally that I am one STRONG woman.

To me prayer has made all the difference. I'm not a religious person, but I have a strong belief in God and I believe that prayer sometimes is the only power I have in all of this. I pray for the sunlight of the spirit to shine on H and let him see beyond the darkness. In his case it really holds true since he has gone headlong into the Goth scene w/ Ow. He's having a delayed adolescence and identity crisis IMHO.

I would love to find a man who would love and cherish both me and my son, and that truly wants to be in a committed (for life) R. I don't know if that exists anymore. But I do know that God will lead me to him when the time is right. Maybe it will be H, or maybe not. Life is short and I want to get all I can from this one!

Take it easy. Time will ease the pain. Focus on YOU, your kids, and growing from this. Tears are a form of healing..let them come.

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I pray that I have the strength to endure long enough to save my M. It's only been 1 1/2 months for me and it feels like years.

I hope your H wakes up before he makes an even bigger mistake. FYI, I've spoken to quite a few people that experience an awakening after legal separation. They see that the grass isn't greener and many return to their spouses. I certainly hope that is where your H goes. It isn't over till the fat lady sings!

WAW-OC,

I really feel for you because I know that, for me, the beginning months were like being in hell doused in gasoline. I seriously felt I would die from the pain of it. I lost 12 lbs in like 2 mos (kind of a bonus actually) and started taking an AD (helps immensely!). I cried constantly and felt so trapped being there to care for my S who was 3 at the time. I just wanted to sit and cry in my room until it all went away.

Well, obviously life requires more of us. Instead I poured over books at the library, books on how to be there for my S through separation, a book about men and their stages of development,co-parenting, etc. When I found DR I finally felt like some real hope.

It took me a while to stop snooping, but when I did stop I never looked back. I think I just got to the point where not knowing was much healthier for me. It's like constantly watching the news or movies about plane crashes and being phobic about flying. I had to stop feeding that beast. It helped me to start the process of detachment.

Interestingly, H and I went to counseling together in the beginning months "for the sake of keeping the lines of communication open" for our S. In one early session he said "sometimes I think I made a big mistake". Well, the MC let it pass right over and H never said it again. Ultimately I fired the MC and thought I was done. H asked to continue, so I found a new MC. We went twice and following that H found ways to sabotage any chances we had. He told me he was only waiting for me to get a FT job before he filed for D.

Well, I have been at my new - wonderful - FT job for a year now and he still hasn't filed.

I can honestly say that I have been able to GAL. I finally shelled out the bucks to get my hair done really well and I love it. I feel like a new person. It may sound trivial, but after having my child and not really having the $, I didn't feel right about spending on my self. Well, now I am a priority! I moved into a new place which I love and I've begun to really make it a home for S4.5 and I. Meanwhile H is either living with Ow in some (I imagine) seedy apt in SF or in the place he claims to be living which is a small 1 rm studio. Either way, it's no life.

I read your thread and I completely agree with most of what I read. Especially about learning to detach from the emotionality of it all. It sounds like you're doing a great job of being friendly and keeping your side of the street clean. It also sounds like your WAW is behaving completely impulsively and irrationally and - given the fact that she chooses to stay in your home - is obviously working really hard at trying to blame you for what is certainly her problem. It's not that we as the LBS don't have responsibility in all of this, but don't own what is hers!

I went to my fee waiver hearing yesterday. Another surreal experience. It's quite depressing to watch all the poor saps (like me!) come and go for the same pathetic reason. The judge wouldn't grant the waiver, but instead gave me a payment plan. Yahoo, I can pay for my legal sep by installment. :-( And, my dumb-ass H can decide whether to convert it to a D without paying a penny.

The best technique I've found in dealing with all of this with my sanity and dignity intact is to avoid making any decisions about tomorrow and just do what's in front of me today.

Hang in there! Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle.

Hugs monica, i'm glad you are making yourself a priority. Nothing like a new hairdo to uplift the spirits

Sorry the judge wouldnt' grant the waiver, and dont' you call your self a poor sap again hon, it takes guts and strenght to remain the strong woman you are now. Take care

Thanks for keeping in touch and supporting me! Right now I need it. It's much easier to be strong about filing for separation when it's in the abstract. Getting started with this process puts it right in my face. My grief has been kicked up a few notches recently and more memories have been seeping in. Same solution though, just keep moving forward.

Hello MonicaP,

Just catching up with your sit. Remember, I'm basically on the same time frame as you.

Just wanted to compare notes with you.. The memories and good feelings for WAS do still seep in from time to time for me to. I use to wonder if I would ever get over those feelings and felt like a prisoner to them, but I've learned over time that it's OK to accept them, It's natural. My love for this Woman would not have been true if time were to erase those feelings. I doubt you ever fully get over something like this but you can move on and be happy.

Good luck and stay strong!

Tom

Hi ATGO ~

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I struggle with the whole "was our love really true?" question sometimes. I think I am still in shock to some degree. I have moments where I forget for a second that we have broken up and it hits me all over again. It's weird because I don't really know I feel that way until it hits me. I just try to trust the process. Fortunately most of the time I am very aware of my situation and can take each day for what it is without obsessing on the loss. Neverthless, I wonder, was my H's love genuine for the years we were together...or was it just a role he was playing and didn't even know it. It hurts deeply to think that it was all an act. I guess there's no point in dwelling on that now. Tonight I miss him and I am totally powerless. I keep praying for release.

I think the courts may have already filed my LS paperwork. It was pending a fee waiver hearing which I did on the 6th and today I got my paperwork back marked "filed." I thought they were going to just send me a letter stating that I could come and file! They've assigned a date (Tuesday) for a parent hearing or something obviously related to the child custody part of it and it's an order for both of us to appear. The thing is, I haven't even served the papers yet. I am so confused and I have to wait until Monday to get an answer.

I am just so scared to do this. I guess I've been comfortable with the illusion that as long as no one has filed we still have a chance at reconciliation. Now I feel like I've put a nail on our coffin.

Does anyone out there have some advice or knowledge about this?

Tomorrow H will be with S4.5 for Father's Day. I hope the Ow won't be with them but I wouldn't be surprised if she was. I have been pretty sad lately about missing all of these family events together, it's so hard.

Last night H called to talk to S and we were out on the deck eating ice-cream cones. S wouldn't get on the phone. I thought to myself - look at what H is missing! He should be here damn it.

How will I ever be at peace with this???

It turns out the court filed my application for LS and custody/support "pending" the fee waiver. I thought they were going to just tell me once the fee waiver thing was processed and then I would have time to decide when/how to proceed. So I am moving forward. I changed the first hearing which was set for tomorrow (H doesn't even know yet) to August 10th. This will give me time to have him served.

I can't even believe this is happening. It's surreal.

I am scared. I just can't think of a reason NOT to go forward with this - the obvious cause being that it's been 19 mos since we separated and H shows zero signs of waking up. I don't want this, but everything says that he is not waking up any time soon and I've got to allow myself to move on (symbolically at least). I have no clue when I will ever really be at peace with this, I just pray it happens.

I'm thinking that I should write H a letter at this point, explaining that I've filed for LS and that D will be up to him. I would also like to share my feelings about all of this openly -It will most likely be my last letter to him as his wife. What do I have to lose?

I could really use some feedback now.

This morning my H called to check on S4.5 who was very upset last night missing his daddy. In a nutshell, here's the string of our conversation:

Me: Can you stay later tonight, I'd like to talk about something
H: what about?
Me: I'd rather talk in person
H: I can't stay and I think you should tell me
Me: It's about the status of our M or D
H: Well, have you taken steps?
Me: Yes, but I don't want to talk over the phone
H: Well, my opinion won't change anything anyway if you've already taken steps.
Me: I'd like to talk about it with you in person
H: I can't tonight, work is crazy, and I've been feeling dizzy - but we'll talk about it (soon). Why don't you email me?
Me: I don't want to, but I'll at least tell you the basics.

This afternoon I emailed him this:

Hi XXX,

I would much rather talk to you in person, but until we have that chance I will at least tell you the steps I have taken.

I have filed for legal separation, child custody and support. In fact, it doesn't change much from how things are now. As far as child custody, I have filed for joint legal custody and full physical custody w/ visitation exactly as it stands now (with flexibility for expanding). Joint legal custody means we both have 50-50 decision-making power with respect to school, medical, etc. The support is just based on a formula.

Again, I would like to talk to you in person about the details.

This is the last thing in the world I imagined I would be doing. I will always have a little crack in my heart. I hope someday I will at least have some peace about it. But for now, I just need to keep walking forward doing what needs to be done.

Always,

Monica

H came by w/ S after school and hadn't seen the email. He seemed to have a smirk on his face (he typically looks sullen) and said he would read the email tonight. I asked if he wanted me to tell him in person later and he said "it won't matter if you've already taken steps" or something to that effect. I'm wondering if he's relieved now.
He then said he would need time to process it on his own. I said I understood.

So, what should I do now?

I have to hire a process server and our first court date is Aug 10th.

I'm in shock.

I could really use some support, feedback, suggestions...