Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Tiny Ray of Light...Pt III

NM, you have a confused woman on your hands! Going in and trying to save her will not make her less confused. She has to figure it out on her own, and she will.

However, this will drive you nuts til you stop obsessing. Plain and simple. You CAN'T control her, trying to save her will be seen as controlling, don't even think about it. Go back and read the 2x4 I got from Amy, it applies to you in many ways too. Your W doesn't need saving. Listen to Jazz, work on you, let her come to you when she's ready.

Remember, at least you get to talk to her sometimes, I don't get to see or talk to my W at all - count your blessings, and learn some patience with me

I talk to her virtually daily...maybe that's part of the problem.

Maybe? At this point, if I was talking to my W daily, we'd be back together, I guarantee it. But we don't, so we're not, so there's no sense worrying about it.

So, what can you do? I'd say, keep the conversation light, as much as you can. When she asks you hard questions, remember they're STATEMENTS! "How can I ever get a horse?" = I don't feel like I'll ever get a horse. She's not looking for a solution, she's looking for someone to listen and SYMPATHIZE. If she says, "I'll never get a horse!" That means, How will I ever get a horse? And again, you listen and sympathize. IF, she asks you for a solution, give her one and ASK if that works for her, get her input, use it, negotiate a bit with her, and MAKE the decision with her input. She'll love it! AND, it's a huge difference over how you currently communicate.

LISTEN, SYMPATHIZE, LISTEN SOME MORE, UNDERSTAND, LISTEN SOME MORE. Wait for her to ask for your input. You'll do great, and she'll see and FEEL the difference in your communications, she'll feel better about herself and you. Try it, get that skill down and use it for the rest of your life.

I need to get this tattoo'd to the back of my hand.

So another twist of weirdness entered tonight.

I have been dreaming for the last 15years of a certain type of job. A police dispatcher. Don't ask why, it's just my thing. I haven't attempted to catch that dream here where I live because they pay for crap. Well an old friend from my home town tracked me down and phoned me. We talked for about and hour to catch up on what's been going on in our lives. You think we had it bad? His WAS picked up and moved to Saudi Arabia with another man. Anyway...he was a police officer when we were buddies. We used to train K9's and had a great time together. When I moved away we kind of lost touch and he found me through some other mutual friends.

Then the shoe dropped...he offered me a job. He now is in charge of the dispatch center and has to fill 6 openings within the month. My dream job..pops up. The problem...it puts me 100miles away from my W and my kids.

So horse lesson went on tonight. She told me about her depression and she told me how she blew up at her mom. Her mom has blamed me for years of mentally abusing my W. I did a lot of the things Jazz has owned up to. Except I internalized it all. I didn't realize that when I was internalizing it all that I was killing my W and kids too. Anyway...my W blew up at MIL and told her that she was twice as bad as I ever was with the sort of abuse. She started to cry.

I listened, then I accepted and apologized for my behavior that was similar. I explained how dealing with my own abandonment issues caused me to clam up, how at the time I didn't realize I was impacting anybody but myself. She let me hold her hand as I told her how hard I'm trying to work through these in therapy...and just admitting that I have the issue makes it a little better. She said that she knows that I've been better, but there is a long way to go.

I then told her about the job offer. For the first time that I can remember I think I saw a little bit of fright in her face. I explained that it paid about the same as I'm making now, but it would separate us further. I also told her that I didn't think that much distance was going to help fix us. She agreed, but said she didn't know if she wanted me to give up my dream. I asked her to chew on it, and we'd talk about it more later. She agreed. I then looked her straight in the eye and told her I would give up my dream job for my real dream...to have my family back together. Without even thinking about it I dropped the "ILY"...it just slipped. She looked at me and said "I know.." Conversation to be continued tomorrow.

Amy, Jazz, JR, 789, UA, etc...pick up the 2x4's...I need them right now.

Hell you don't need a 2x4.

1st- Job offer could be good for you to take, but don't decide today or even tommorrow.

2nd- Your conversasion with wife sounded great, not the deppression part but thinks she said to you. Telling her that you would give up that dream job for your real dream, might not fit the DB'ing way but it is the truth and how you feel.

3rd- ILY slip sometimes on are part, even though we are not suppose to say it, sometimes it just comes out, don't kick yourself for it.

On a side note to anyone who knows. What does it mean when the other one just responds with "I know" after you slip and say ILY?

I will leave the 2x4's for Amy.

Oh yes i do. I need some tough love right now.



I used to read way too deep into this. I've decided it's more of a defense mechanism so they don't get hurt anymore. If they admit the love us...they admit they might be wrong. I just let it go now instead of fixating on it so much. I know she loves me, to some degree, she's just to scared to admit how much.

I'll be honest. I'm terrified this was a deal breaker conversation.

Well I have been wrong many times in my life, I lost count around 1,353,254 times, but I did not see that as a deal breaker.

I did put up a 2nd post saying that I would leave the 2x4 for Amy.

Your last part makes since, I will stop trying to anylze it anymore.

Ok want to hear what I just did on the phone from my wife???
JR hates when I make him wait for the rest of the story

I was headed to your thread next...