Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? searching patience with H / finding myself #9

This is false: "At least with my mother's alcoholism, she was only killing herself..."

Here is your proof: "I have some books on codependency; I have to look at those again."

Actually, he has said that this is his turn--he gave me 20 years of happiness, and now he deserves to be happy. The only future that he can see with me is based on the past, that I haven't changed. He will be miserable and have to "go back to sleep, back to pretending." I have asked him what about me makes him unhappy, is there something that I can still do to make him happy, what do you see happening when I am gone? Do you think that I will ever be completely out of your life, especially with kids? What do you want?
He doesn't know the answers to any of this. All he can say, is that he doesn't want this. And this is us in limbo, waiting for him to make up his mind. I am like this (sad) because we haven't even started the work after 8 months, and sad that he doesn't even think it is worth it to try.

He did say that him living in misery would be much worse for the kids than D. I agree! I have told him over and over that I don't WANT the old marriage, I don't want him to come back simply out of obligation--I want to work on the M and find the happiness and love that we had, build something new. I don't believe that being miserable is a forgone conclusion; we haven't tried working on the M yet. (Again, defensive? Controlling? Manipulative? Michele did say that manipulation is not necessarily a bad word--we are trying to influence people all of the time. When is it wrong, especially when the stakes are so high?) He believes that love is a feeling; it's either there or it's not. I have read anecdotes in so many books and articles of MCs seeing these feelings come back...and so many different ways to foster that. I am only asking him to consider the possibility, get him back to the table to try. I know that there are no guarentees, but I am willing to make that leap of faith. My own IC has said that he may not be strong enough...

I wish I could plop everything that I have read into his head; hence, leaving the marked books for him, if he so chooses (I need to feel like I tried everything possible to save this M and my family, in order to look my children in the face...)

But, in the end, I have to let all of this go. I have tried to push, lead, plead, reason, etc. There is nothing left but to let go, and leave my and my children's future in his hands...

Alright, I'll give you that. Leaving her to her own devices only would have freed me, though. Leaving H to his own devices leaves me with a broken family, children who should never have had to live through this, in financial distress, stressed out without support and help, lonely, etc.

Yes, I am a grown-up. And if the man had died, I would have had to face all of these things. But he isn't dead, and he made a committment and promises...

My biggest fear before the bomb was that he would die, actually having nightmares that he was in a car accident during his hour-long daily commute. But those nightmares drove me to do something about it--I asked him every day to please wear his seatbelt, and we went out and bought enough life insurance to provide security for my kids.

I NEVER, EVER, saw a D as even a remote possibility. And the future that it presents sucks.

Neither your future nor your children's future are in H's hands. You are separate people. He determines the course of no one elses life.

H has told you over and over again what he wants, all you do is reply with what you want.

"My own IC has said that he may not be strong enough..."

I think she may very well be right. Your H strikes me as someone very codependent, sickly enmeshed, and passive aggressive. No backbone. He doesn't stand up for himself and blames you for that. His hate and resentment run so deep because he despises himself for being a doormat and being afraid not to be a doormat. He projects that hate and resentment on you. You cannot to anything about it. You cannot explain it away. It is not in your power. Trying to show him the "truth" or how he "should" be or what he "should" want only proves to him that he is justified in his hatred and resentment of you. For anything really to change, your H has to find the strength to confront himself, quit being a weak passive-aggressive sickly enmeshed child, and grow up into a strong, happy, self-sufficient man.

How's that?

It is actually what I think. It is why I think you don't respect H too. Not very much there too respect...

My guess is that the real problem in your M is that you grew up and started getting healthier, which takes away his nice, sickly-enmeshed stuck child-wife to stay comfy with in his stuckness.

How's that?

And, if you look back in your M, my guess is that you could identify several times where you felt you were really making progress in your life in terms of personal/professional growth, and those times somehow got stunted because something with H went whacko.

How's that?

If you get D, I expect hopes and dreams you forgot you had will come back to you. Your life will quickly be more full and happier than you ever thought possible.

How's that?

I actually believe all that about your sitch. Still, fair disclosure, it is pretty much all autobiography. But, like I said, I see too much of myself and my XM with XH in your sitch.

Your job today is to email your profs and CYA. You don't want to have to pay tuition again. You don't want Fs on your transcripts. Give them fair warning about what is up so they won't be blindsided at the end of the term if you have problems finishing up.

I am waiting for comments on a draft on my big project. So, I am catching up on various stuff for a couple of days. Bills, making clean undies (I think they call that laundry), refereeing articles, and other sundry stuff.

Donna - I know you know this already but you really need to work on detaching again, getting back to where



This shows so little respect for your H Donna - do you see it?

He's not wrong, you're not wrong, you just feel very differently about this issue right now. It doesn't make him weak or you strong, it doesn't make him the bad guy.



This implies once again that your H is wrong, and you are somehow better than he is. "If only he knew what I knew he'd think the way I think."

All that said I do agree with a lot of Oldtimer's assessment of your sitch too... what you need to let go of, though, is the need to fix/change your H. Take charge of your life, your future and your children's. Let him take care of his.

I know this is all so hard, and I'm really sorry.

Nikki,

I totally agree, except about this: "It doesn't make him weak..."

OK, well I agree and I disagree.

No doubt H is pushing him limits, trying his best, doing things that are incredibly difficult, doing things that truly do take strength and courage.

But, H does not seem to have the strength, right now, to try to reconcile because he does not have the strength to handle what that would take.

This isn't a judgment. He just hasn't developed those muscles yet and you simply cannot suddenly have them. Life is a process of growth in many directions. In one direction, but surely not all, Donna is way ahead of him.

He has the strength and skills for a sprint, but not an endurance run.

OT and NikkiB, (and of course (((Donna))))--

You have both posted some really important words...words that are important for so many of us to take to heart, not just you Donna.

And Donna, i also know how that extra layer of kids makes things that much more painful, for me at least. That feeling that we've failed them is very real, whether it's rational, reasonable or not. I also feel reasonably sure that ultimately my kids will be okay if/when H and I S/D (that they won't become axe murderers, that's a joke...), but that we (H and I) have taken away something that can never really be replaced. Yes, that's a dramatic statement, but it is what it is.

in truth, this all is what it is...and now it's up to us to make the most of our own lives.

I'm thinking of you...

L