Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy OM/PA, MLC and the hits keep coming............Pt2

andyv

I hope you don’t mind but I am cross posting in all of your threads because I value all of your inputs and I want to make sure all of you see this. Please respond back in my thread thanks.

I found a “wife profile” test in the book I have been reading “the five languages of love” It about how different people need different things to feel they are loved. There is 1) touch, 2) words of affection 3) act of service 4) gifts and 5) quality time.

Buy answering these 20 questions it is supposed to reveal what your “love language is.
I have not asked my W for ANYTHING for the last 2 months. I was going to print this out and tell my W I am working on my problems and ask her if she would help me and would answer these questions for me. There is no writing involved you just circle a letter.

I’m going to ask her to answer these questions thinking what she would like her perfect husband to do.


What do you think?
Again I am sorry for cross threading this but it is important to me that I have all of your inputs.
(I a still going out Friday)

husband

Husband,

I wouldn't give her the "wife profile". You need to give her space to work on her own emotions and to make her own decision in regards to your R.

I know how hard it is, because I am going through the same. But you really need to detach more, I don't think you have done this yet.

And for the GALing, you need to do it for yourself, and do things that you will enjoy. It may take time, but this is what you must do.

You have not given your W the opportunity to "miss what she may be losing", because regardless of your activities with your son, you have been there for her throughout your sitch, and she knows it.

Don't make the same mistakes as myself and many others, it will get harder for you if you do. She still apppears uncertain and "clouded" and with you being there, giving gifts and "wife profiles" will just work against you and validate her reasons to end the R.

She knows how much you love her, and how much you want to save the M. Now let her go and concentrate on yourself. Make yourself happy and get your confidence back. Like you said, nothing you have done to date has worked.

You have to lose "this battle" to eventually win "the war".

Hey Tom,

Things have slowed down somewhat for me, which is good. How are things with you, any "miracles" happen yet?

My day,

Got home last night from work at around 9:30pm, wife was still up with DD (DD colouring in and W watching TV). This is the fourth night in a row that W has stayed up to watch her favourite shows (something she has not done in several months).

I changed into my "leisure suit" and then left wife upstairs to watch TV, whilst I went into my office. As I was on the phone to a friend, W came down to ask whether I could check DD's math homework (as she was not sure how to complete it with DD). I said sure.

This morning, as I was at work, W rang me to tell me that she was letting me know she had bought DD a new hat for school and gym gear. I told her that I would put money on her credit card for the purchase. She was in a nice mood towards me (something I have not experience in a long time). I kept the conversation brief and pleasant. I don't know why she would call me to tell me, when it could wait till I got home.

I have stopped calling her at work for a few months now. All our contact is instigated by her (or I will ring if it involves an urgent matter with DD)

Overall she has been very pleasant towards me over the last few weeks, and other than being a little aloof, her personality is slowly starting to return.

I have been GALing and "lovingly dark" for over a month now, and have noticed that things have "eased" somewhat. I will not overanylize these last few weeks, as I mentioned earlier (and after looking at DNQ's sitch), it could be the calm before the storm (re divorce papers).

But I will continue to DB, keep out of her space, be there for my DD and be as pleasant as I can be and continue my PMA.

Also my problem before (when my sitch went pear shaped) was constantly ringing her family about our problems and talking about W behind her back (very wrong). Also contantly "hanging around"/

I have not spoken to anyone in her family for over a month.

Tonight I will be going out to dinner with my sister (W doesn't know my "movements"). She told me she was going to take DD to her mums to visit.

Tomorrow she has not told me what she would be doing (probably out till late Sun morning, as usual), but I have organised a few friends to come over for "smally eats" and beers, and DVDs/Xbox360.

DD will be with us, and she loves to "whip" my friends arses on "Lego Star Wars II". So I will let her play before bed, then the big boys will be slogging it out on "Fight Night".

I hope all of you have a great weekend.

Andyv-

Well it's Friday. I have not chickened out yet. A little note about yesterday. I left my keys in my other pants when I left for work at 3:30 AM. I didn’t know this until I shut the house door. I had to knock on the door and wake up W to let me in. I knocked on the door the dog started barking, W comes to door half asleep says” lock your self out? You startled me" I said sorry. Got my keys and left.

When I got to work I E-mailed her work and left a message saying “I am sooo sorry for waking you up this morning. I guess I screwed up again"
I know I should have left that Screwed up part out but I didn't. Anyway I had to call her later and ask her about something about my son's and D party Sunday. I again told her I am sooo sorry for this morning. She said "don't worry about it things happen"

OK now this is a woman who used to get mad at me when it's her night to sleep in OUR room and I take a shower in the morning because it wakes her up.

Husband

Hi AndyV, I would like a little insight on this. I am having the same problem in my sitch. My H gets upset if I talk to or spend time with his family. We have been together 11 years and were always closer to his family than mine. It's bad enough that I had to lose my husband and now he wants me to lose his family too because they are "his". My H moved 3 hours away from his family but I still live very close to them and they want to spend time with me. Looks like my marriage is over anyway at this point, so maybe I just stop caring. He can't tell me who I can and can't talk to. Any suggestions? He is already mad at a lot of them because they aren't willing to accept OW with open arms. It's amazing how selfish and angry my H as become. As a side note, I have talked to some of his family about our sitch, but only after he had already gone to them. I know this was a bad idea, but I would have filed for D months ago if it wasn't for my ils (bittersweet I guess).

Hey Andyv

IT'S FRIDAY.

I have not chickened out YET. But Read my Horosocope for today.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It may be time to take a stand for what you want, even if it's something you are reluctant to put into words. It doesn't matter if this isn't your usual style; go ahead and assert yourself. But don't get careless in your actions or you might inadvertently overplay your hand. Although the backlash could be more than you expect, don't buckle under the pressure. Playing the role of a victim won't help you move any closer to happiness.

What do ya think?

Husband

Hi Hopeless11,

My W's main gripe about me talking to her family was that I was still controlling her. I do admit that I am overprotective of both my W and DD, but when she dropped the bomb, the second reason she gave (other than not being there emotionally for several months) was that I was too controlling and jealous (which is odd, due to her having the temper and always keeping tabs on my movements etc throughout our marriage).

It is hard to tell if these were valid reasons, as she was having an EA with OM during the time I was away. As well as being well and truly in MLC mode.

But before I confirmed the seriousness of this EA I was always ringing her family, and discussing things with them (which eventually got back to W). I just wanted to know the truth as she lied about everything

I do get on well with them also, but they did betray my trust by telling her pretty much everything. The reason I call it betraying, is that they "probed" me for information in confidence about her and what she was doing.

We were a very private family before all of this. None of her family or my family knew anything about what we did or got up to. But I was at fault, due to my depression and hurt, that I wanted to bring everything out in the open.

Even today she lied to me. She took yesterday off work to be with OM (he had a day off), and my friend saw them together (he lives in the same suburb as OM.

When I spoke to her this morning, I asked her how work was yesterday, and she made up a really ellaborate story about how she had to cross train someone, and getting things ready for end of financial year etc etc. I just let it go, I had a chuckle in private. I hope she is more honest with OM).

But I would recommend that you may try to distance yourself from his family, as this will be seen by him as controlling. The pressure he is getting from his family in regards to what he is doing, will be pointed back at you. They try to blame us for everything, so his family not accepting OW is due to you (in his mind).

I have not spoken to any of her family in over a month, and W has calmed down alot and is more pleasant. Now that the pressure is off her, she can see things clearly. Also if her family do decide to lecture her or question her again (as they love me dearly and know she is making a huge mistake with her actions), W will know that It was none of my doing.

Sorry if I rambled on a bit. But my personal opinion on this matter is "blood is thicker than water", and it is healthier to detach from your H's family if you can. For a while anyway and see what happens.

Hey andyv

3 days is everything ok?

Please Go to my profile and E-mail me. WE need to talk


Husband

Hi Husband,

Will do.

I have not posted for a few days due to my sitch not really changing too much. The only change I have noticed is that W is spending more time with OM. She has told me that she is going to take a week off to "relax" and go on a trip (this is the week of school holidays).

I sort of suggested taking DD (tongue in cheek) but she freaked out saying "no, this is my holiday". I am just waiting for her to ask me to fund this week away, and i don't think you have to be einstein to work out who will be going with her.

I have been on a few really nice "dates" with female friends of mine, which I enjoyed. And they all understand the issues I am dealing with, and have been really supportive and fun to be around (taking my mind off things).

It is good to see you starting to go out and enjoying yourself. Who knows how long this may take? It may last years, months or may end tomorrow, you just don't know. At least by GALing and getting out to enjoy yourself, It takes your mind off things and makes it a lot easier to detach from all the hurt that is happening.

So, as I mentioned earlier, there has been no change in my sitch, W is acting a little bit more pleasant towards me (sounds like her R with OM is improving for them both, hence the good mood). And DD is doing well at school, and we have been enjoying our time together. My Family is doing well and I am doing as well as expected.

I hope things are well with you buddy,