BND is right on! Listen to her. I took her advice months ago to set real and difinite boundaries in order to get my H's respect and lo behold I got my respect back!! Something I did not forsee happening ever!! His family has even notived the change in how he treats me!!
Yeah I have been having nightmares and I think I need a break from all of this you are right . I AM exhausted!!!! Who I am is just fine. I am ok. I have worked to hard to let this new drama of his take me and swallow me whole. I am fine being myself. Really I am. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just need the boundaries set so I stay sane. I guess that is what I was trying to sat only I sounded a little/A LOT nuts.... I am going to take a break from my H 's drama like I said and just be me and just be stronger. Thanks BND... wearing a completely new hat for me was going to be fake. my Close friends thought I needed to wear it and I wanted just to set boundaries and still be me. I felt this need to put on this hat and yet I knew he would not change for me. This is so much better and thnks for calming me down. You are a sweetheart. This was far too much for me and yes I need to get back to that safe place... it just seemed he was laughing at me being so serene. Like I needed to be a *B* in order to get some respect. I dunno it is hard to explain,,, and yes I have been dramatic and sounding off and I havent had anyone but you tell me it was ok to be just me. Sure I could have told myself that but that would have been too easy. Seems like I learn the hard way and you know I will say I am tired of the way he treats me at times but yes I do love him,,,, I do appreciate the support here and you listening to my long posts and helping me ... the few friends I had I guess have not DBed ever and so I thought maybe they have a point and I need to change who I am and no I dont ,, I cant. I can polish myself off more but being something that I am not was making me crazy for a few days. BND~ thanks once again. It has taken me a lot of work to love me and bring my self esteem back up and I appreciate your post . GOD bless you. I promise to GO back to me. Gosh I am rambling and probably dont make sense.. and yeah when I read my angry tirade this morning I sound not like ME at all. But better here than to him and to think I really needed to overhaul me into a *B*, and I am a beautiful Woman who deserves to have my tranquility. I think ( I KNOW) I need a break from my mind racing. Thanks for the sweet 2x4... I really appreciate you all here so much and will keep working on my self esteem and setting boundaries.
Have a great week and thanks for the reply. You are a blessing. Love, Ali
I want to apologize to you all for losing my mind for a bit and looking like I can be rattled so easily. I actually am very well. I do realize that this is on him,, but then I thought well it is on him but he seems to be oblivious and it made me so angry. How many times do I turn my cheek? And actually I did lose it some,, how can he keep stepping on my pride ? HMMMMMMMMM as many times as I ALLOW thats how many times. It did feel better to let put all my thoughts HERE crazy as they seemed. AND WERE!? BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES..... I think I can, I think I can. One day at a time. It will be a challenge but I need to do it for me and it will be far easier than being someone I am not ! FOR A LOOOOOONG time I was getting stronger and yet still treading very carefully on those darn eggshells. afraid to break one and allowing him to act like a very spoiled child with me and go off whenever he pleased. So no I cannot change him I may just change how I react to him. Thanks you all you help me so , so much. God bless you all...
People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind. Think big anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help but may attack if you help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you've got anyway. - Anonymous ~found this , this Morning and it was just what I needed to read! Thank You God. ~ Ali
The best thing you can do when dealing with an alcoholic spouse is to detach from the abuse of the alcoholic. You can do this if you truly love your spouse and want to help them to possible sobriety. The more you focus all your energies on the alcoholic, the less likely he is to get sober. This article focuses on how you can detach and remain healthy mentally.
Don't Make Alcoholism Your Problem
If you have never read any of the Al-anon material then you probably don't know that you are making the disease of alcoholism YOUR problem. One of the sad facts of living with an alcoholic is we become just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic. This happens because every step of life we take, and every breath of air we breathe has some involvement with the alcoholic. Our emotions overtake our own mental health as we try and cope with the deterioration of the alcoholic in our life. What are we doing wrong? We are concentrating too much on the disease, instead of concentrating on our mental and emotional health. We may as well be tipping the bottle for them. Better yet, we may as well be drinking with them!
Don't Enable
Most spouses of alcoholics don't realize they are helping their spouse drink just by a few simple behaviors and actions. Several ways in which you may be enabling your spouse to drink is by buying them alcohol, drinking with them, calling the boss and or family members for him because he is too hung over or too drunk to do it himself. Lying to friends, boss, family and co-workers about him and his drinking problem. Taking them to the store, arguing with them, and behaving like a victim. You are not the victim of alcoholism until you make yourself BEcome the victim.
Get Off The Pity Pot
Get off of the pity pot and begin living for yourself, instead of living for the alcoholic. "Oh poor me, everyday I am suffering and I can't take it anymore" attitude won't get you anywhere. You need to take care of yourself and that cannot be done if you are focusing all of your attention on the alcoholic and what he is doing or what he isn't doing. Start focusing on what you can do for yourself. Get out of the house, don't hang around the alcoholic, and don't let them abuse you with their words. If you care about the alcoholic in your life, this is what helps them more than anything else.
Detach With Love
You are powerless to getting your loved one to stop drinking. The first step in being able to detach is by realizing that the shenanigans of the alcoholic is not your problem. Don't try and fix their messes for them. Not only does this enable them to continue drinking, but also it justifies their drinking. Don't have any interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking; that includes, talking and arguing with them. Why fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Don't become ensnared in the alcoholic trap with them. Stay out of the trap, so you can help them. Ninety-five percent of what an alcoholic says is manipulative and hogwash anyway. Don't start believing in the lies of the disease. Separate yourself from the antics of the alcoholic.
Pray For The Alcoholic
I can't tell you how important the process of daily prayer can be. Not only does it bring you closer to God but it will also get you into the habit of going to God with your life challenges. God does hear your cries of pain and He will give you the answers you need to get through your trials and tribulations, even if your spouse continues to drink. Be patient and remain faithful in the Lord and He will deliver you from your suffering.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6) BY Angie Lewis
~wow~ Enough said.... now the real work begins. I just do not understand when he is with me he does not drink like this. But this "disease" my Dad had and still does and so this is going to be very, very hard for me but I will succeed. I have not talked to my Dad for a very long time, and now..... I am crying now~ Please pray for me as this is going to be a test for me to let go and let GOD RE: his drinking. Thank you all.
Do you like being you? Do you remember many moons ago when you met your Husband? I bet you were yourself back then. I bet you put your best foot forwards and I am also willing to bet you were strong and independant and vibrant and fun to be around.
When our Spouses do these things to us we have 2 choices. We can ether get sucked into their drama, or we can lovingly detach from the situation and get on with our lives.
The second choice is much harder but it can be done. Now I see you are looking into resources concerning alcoholism. This is his problem Ali, not yours. Yes it does affect you, but only as much as you let it.
Personally, (and please don't yell at me) the whole co-dependant thing is far too draining and far too much time is wasted on trying to understand and help. When a person has a drug dependancey they need to get help. You can be a support but you are not the person who needs to fix or solve the problem.
May I make a suggestion. At night, turn off your cell phone. This is your time to sleep. You are not on call 24/7 for anyone, except God.
YOU are the prize in this relationship, NOT your Husband. You are the one who needs to be pursued. You are the one that needs to be treasured and cherished.
You have come to far to be treated as second best and it is time for you to show that in your actions and how you carry yourself. You can do this without saying a word. This means sticking to your boundaries.
I know you can do this.
(((((hugs)))))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Thank you for the lovely post. And no I won't yell at you ,, I am FAR too sweet for that. Thank you for giving me "persmission" so to speak for reminding me that doing what I have been doing and not trying to fix him is right. And that 24/7 remark too,, spot on! He even tried to blame me so to speak for the weather changing. Just a bit ago! A rain storm changing into a severe storm ~ Give me a break. And you know what I let it go. I just have gotten sucked in too deep like you said... and the post re :alcoholics I know it is not my problem and so when I read it, it reminded me of the DB concept so onward and forward w/o saying a word or trying to Mother him~ I already have 5 kids! BND~ you have helped me a lot. I was struggling with this and my friends tried to give me good advice but I see now that I can do this without saying a word. And keep working on my Happiness one day at a time. I am happy actually. I just have allowed him to dictate it for far too long.
Enough is enough. Thanks again sweetie. God bless...
Well ladies you would be so proud of me,, I went to the gym ( our local YMCA) swam with my kids and then rode the bike on uphill for 30 minutes, was sweating like a "PIG" and it felt so damn good. I was pleased with myself. We then came home 2 hours later and we had a blast!!!! My girls and I went to the store and bought stuff to make Pasta and my boys stayed home to cook. My S16 has a friend over and they made "MY" whole wheat Pasta.. and all the kids ate it ! BRAVO they ate healthy like me. And we all sat down together and ate dinner as a FAMILY! Blessings, blessings and more blessings. Now this is the life. and as for my H he tried to bait me and I let it go... and he called later and I told him we were on our way to the Y~ and he said "ok talk to you later.."
....also Jen maybe you were right about assuming stuff.
While he was on the phone ( his friends cell) with me after we left the Y ( his phone got wet and doesnt work!?!) someone was calling his friends cell and he said the number OUTLOUD it was the number of the girl who called his phone... and he asked me hey honey is 123-456-7865 my boss's number and I said " No I dunno who it belongs to..." I dont get it,, he is not so good at numbers ,like me, but he did not recognize it at all so she cant be important! RIGHT?
I took a deep breath and just let it go,, I dont care who she is or why she is calling that number too. I am better than that and I am getting my body in shape and more importantly my spirit so ....... anything is possible for me and I am on my way to being a very happy content Woman....For me all by myself ... and life is good. Very , very good. Thank you GOD.
I AM exhausted!!!! Who I am is just fine. I am ok. I have worked to hard to let this new drama of his take me and swallow me whole. I am fine being myself.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
