Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? searching patience with H / finding myself #9

Hello, all. I am moving over here from newcomers. It was time; we've been at this for about 8 months now. This is my prior thread.

Recap:
Together since we were 15.5 & 16. No other Rs.
We were the couple who everyone pointed to and said "that is what M is supposed to look like."
I've wanted to be a teacher since I was in 4th grade; didn't have good experiences with the first two positions I had.
Had two wonderful children in there, and was a dedicated, stay-at-home Mom. VERY supportive H.
When youngest was 3, found a great PT teaching position, and threw myself into it. H reassured me that it was a busy time in our lives, and we would make it.
My mother got cancer and I took care of her. Also started grad school at night about 16 months ago.
H developed a close friendship (?) with a mom across the street. We have been friends of the family for 11 years, and hers is a troubled marriage. I grew increasingly uncomfortable, but kept trying to trust my H and not dictate who he should be friends with. Neighbors saw it and kept bringing it up to me as "strange." H grew increasingly defensive about the whole topic.

In Nov, H had to go out of state for business, and when I kissed him good-bye, I felt...nothing back. Went inside, cried for 3 hours, then started researching marriage education / communication classes.

I had no idea how long the issues had actually been there. I got the ILYBINILWU mid-Nov, and that he had been "miserable" for at least 3 years (now he says 5 years). I lived on no sleep and lost over 27 pounds in the months that followed. We have been exclusively together for 21 years.

I was thunderstruck. Started off with the pursuing / deperation / clingyness. Did that for months. I addressed every complaint that H mentioned, eliminating outside interests and becoming the next Donna Reed / Martha Stewart. He kept asking for space and I didn't know what he meant, or how to do it. Started IC in end-Nov. Read every book, article and journal about MC in print. Found this site and Solution-based in March. I fluctuate with how well I implement it (not usually great).

Feb--H separated (he moved from the bedroom to downstairs rec room). He has not slept in our bed / said ILY / ML since then.
I hurt my neck and went on disability (which was a God-send).

March--I had spinal surgery on my neck; he was very doting about my physical self, but not about my emotional state.

Further deterioration and unmet expectations since then.

Mid-May, H exploded, threatening me if I "turned his kids against him." His mother had gotten very upset by his actions, and he saw that as my fault.

Went dim since our 15th wedding anniv end May. Had a R talk last night (kids didn't want to call him for Father's Day and he blamed me), when he finally uttered the words: "I want a divorce. I don't want to work on it. I won't survive like this. I understand that you may never accept the reality of that until you have the papers in front of you."

Last night, my kids picked up on it all right away, and know they know what is looming in the future. They are both trying to fix it.

I am trying to figure out how I am going to make it in the world alone. I know I will, but I have no basis for reference. I'm scared, sad and very tired.

I also write alot.

Thanks to all who read this far,

Donna

(((Donna)))

Just wanted to let you know I'd follow you over here, too.

"I also write alot."

:-D That made me want to give you double-super sized hugs for some reason.

How is school going? What steps are you taking to CYA?

Take care {{{Donna}}}

-JDK

OK now I want you to read This Thread and post how you are doing towards these things. Then we'll talk.

Thanks OT, Nikki and JDK for checking in--I was afraid that I would have to start all over here again...

I took the kids out to McD's for dinner (again) tonight, and some shopping. I forgot to put the ringer back on the cell after my IC appt, and apparently H was trying to get me for over an hour.

Got home and he was in bed (8pm) downstairs. I told him that I know it is over. When we spoke this afternoon, I had asked him if he might be able to take a day or two off from work, and got a "What for?!" back from him. I knew in that one, short sentence how done he really is. So, I presented my idea for the schedule, and explained to him that although I want so much to be near him, I don't think I can...it only reminds me that I will never be able to hold him, kiss him, love him...I moved all of his bathroom stuff into the main bathroom so he wouldn't have to come into where I sleep in the morning, and told him I would leave the house each day for a few hours so he could have time with the kids after work(he would have to make dinner for all of them; I'd take care of myself) and I would be home to help get them to bed. For the summer, I would continue to take care of the house, shopping and laundry.

He told me last night that he can't go on like this, he can't go back to sleep and pretending to come back to the marriage--he wouldn't survive it. Am I that terrible, I asked? How deep is this hurt that being with me would kill you? I can hardly imagine...But I told him, if I am around him, knowing and seeing what I can never have again, I won't be able to survive it myself. When we are apart, I find that I can at least function. So, we seem to be in similar places for very different reasons right now.

I also said that I am accepting the reality of the situation, and his feelings. I cannot save a marriage by myself, and I can't make him want to try. Does he know now that I "get" where he is, finally? He said yes. I apologized for being so defensive for so long; I can see how it made him feel like I always turned things around and discounted what he was saying. I know that it made things worse. He pointed out that I did it even over the last 8 months, and I said I know; apologized again.

It would give him 2 months to figure out what to do when school started. I don't really care too much, as long as it is fair--I'd look at whatever he came up with. I also can't go through a mediator, because I can't get to that place--I can't help tear apart our lives: let the lawyers fight over splitting / tearing our lives up.

I asked if the schedule seemed like something he could do, or if he needed to think about it. He asked to think about it.

We got into it again about the kids, then. He said that it is not the death of a family (which is how I see it, and how adult children of divorce have described it), just a restructuring, and that the kids would feed off of me as to how to react. Keep telling yourself that, I said. He wants to know that he can "work with me." I said they had their own brains, already cried and panicked, and said that they don't want this and want to fix it--without any input from me. None of us want this, and we have no say. And no matter how they react, I know that he will blame me (I wanted to say, like Father's Day, but I held it in--he already heard that and discounted it). He is the only one who thinks this is a good idea. (I asked him once before if anyone else thought he was doing the right thing--he had said yes before--now he said that they think it is sad, but if he can't commit, it's better for all of us to D. Wish these same people, who ever they are, would tell him to get his head out of his a$$ and live up to his vows and promises and at least TRY!!--me venting, didn't say that out loud)

I said that restructuring a family is making a new committment to it. He said that he is committed to the family, not the M. He said that I just want him to fall in love with me again (duh!)--I said yes, the New Me--I have worked so hard to change, and will do anything / everything to keep up with those changes, because they are the person I want / need to be! I don't want to go back.


After all of that, he said that he thought about it all day and was ready to ask me if I thought he could stay in the house, committed to the family but not the M; but after what I said, he didn't think I could do that. His parents had asked him to stay.

I said that I regret so much, making the one person who I love most in the world, hurt so deeply for so long. I can't go back and fix that. I wanted to build something new. There was so much good stuff in our R, and it only makes sense that he sees everything as tainted and negative after living through what he did. But that the good is still there, buried; there could be something to build on. I marked up all of the books I have that talk about finding the feelings of love again, the feelings he keeps saying can never come back. I know that he probably won't look at them (and I said as much), but that I would leave them there for him, anyway. But I accept where he is, and will go from there. I only wish that he could find some hope in his heart.

I did tell him that he has done what I have asked him, including going to an IC, and I was very grateful for that. I did note that I was apprehensive about if we chose the right one; that we never did get to work together on the M like I had hoped.

I said that we are not in a crisis right now; there is nothing we need to do tomorrow, no urgency. He shook his head in agreement. Let's try the schedule for the week, give each other a rest. We can come back to it afterwards. He just shook his head yes, and asked me to send the kids down to say good-night (aka, discussion over).

As I went up the stairs, the kids were sitting there, waiting. Are you ok, Mom? In a light voice, yeah, go give Daddy big hugs and snuggles goodnight, tell him you love him.

And now I am here. Not really sure where here is, yet.

((((((Donna)))))

Great steps with the boundaries.

"But I accept where he is, and will go from there."

Good, by why negate those words with these actions: "I marked up all of the books I have that talk about finding the feelings of love again, the feelings he keeps saying can never come back. I know that he probably won't look at them (and I said as much), but that I would leave them there for him, anyway."

You are still trying to fix him. You are still trying to make him want what you want. You are still discounting...

Hi Donna , have followed you over as well

Listen to OT please.

Dave

Cat--We most have cross-posted; I'll read it and respond in a bit...



I am trying to take care of myself. I am so glad that my C was able to see me today. She helped me get through to the reality of this whole thing. The part of me that has been in disbelief for so long is getting smaller and smaller. I have to face it, now.

Last night, when I finally heard him, I was not in a good place. There was a lot of pleading my side(so much for dignity), and he said that the more I beg, the more his resentment grows: he won't be guilted into anything. I couldn't stop myself.

I also found that I am not completely over my codependency. I had a sudden, very strong fear about not having anyone to take care of, to take care of me. I was feeling a loss of everything in my world, including my sense of self. I have never had to be on my own, and told him I don't know how to do that--I always felt that my strength came from him, knowing that he was there (of course I realize that I most likely would have accomplised everything that I have in my life, even without him, but that is now in the light of day; not how I was feeling last night).

I told him that I had tried everything that I could think of, asked for help from everyone possible, including my deceased parents and God Himself. And I know it wasn't fair, but I asked him for his help, too--how was I going to be able to do this? How could you want to be alone, when it is this terrible? How deep is your pain that being alone is better than having me in your life?
There was more gobbly-gook, much of which I am embarrassed about or can't remember at all. It was not my shining moment. I don't even think it is worth journaling anymore, since it was so cheeseless, and useless, and probably damaging.

I even gave him a hard copy of that letter and diatribe that I wrote, outlining wanting to work with his MC, all of the ways I have been hurt, etc. The only thing that came out of that was
1) He said that it still looks like I am trying to put this all into him wanting to get out and experience other women, another life--he insists it's not. Said that his heart will only be broken once, not ever again, by me or anyone else. And if that means being alone for the rest of his life, that is how it will be.
2) He said that he did not see a lawyer before April; doesn't know where his parents got that idea.
3) The jewelry was a necklace he bought for me for Christmas, and he never gave to me.
4) He felt like it was all a personal attack. I just said (damn, defensive again) that he wasn't the only one who got hurt in this mess--I was hurt, too, and often, and swallowed it, and would keep taking it if it meant that we could move forward...

The whole time I was crying afterwards, I thought: this is what the end / death of hope feels like.
***
I was really surprised that he would send the kids down to me, too. He has been the one who has almost demanded that I not cry in front of them; he has said this to me on a few occassions. And here I was, an hysterical mess, having to short-circuit it, get it together in a nanosecond, and comfort them! I don't think he did it to try and comfort me--I don't believe he was thinking at all.

Anyway, everything else that happened tonight is above (sorry for the reverse order of things, but really couldn't type last night). D asked to sleep in my bed tonight, and S must have fallen asleep with H downstairs (oops, spoke too soon--he just came up.) Getting him off to bed...

More cross-posting...

I don't know. It is the look he gave me, the mention of wanting to stay committed to the family and stay in the house...he seemed so sad to hear me set up those boundaries, say that I just couldn't stand to be in his presence anymore with the sitch like this, and don't know if I can ever do it, don't know if I could survive it. I said I don't even know / think that we can be friends.

Like I told him, I have no expectations that he will read / look at the books. It doesn't really matter right now, as I am accepting and acting from where he has told me he is. I believe him. I won't ask about the books (I actually don't plan on talking with him at all for the rest of the week), or any other signs of hope.

Someone once said that detachment is eliminating all expectations and the majority of the hope you have left; leaving just a glimmer somewhere deep in your heart, in case the WAS turns around. I don't know if it is there, anymore. And maybe that is for the best.

I finally stopped crying.