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Stillme,
Ditto to everything said. $$ is the excuse, not the reason. I am convinced that a MLCer/WAS has one overriding motivator
the desire to remain in the coccoon of denial

This means-
* avoid decisive actions which will clearly show that they are responsible for any of this.
* try to manipulate the sitch to cause you to become ugly. This of course shows that they are not really the one to blame (in their reality anyway)
* use any excuse possible to justify what they are doing, other than to admit that they are delusional.

I am convinced that this is what your H is doing and I know it is what my W is doing, even if sub-consiously. He (and she) are so damned scared to give it another try because they are convinced that the sitch will go back to the way it was pre-bomb when they were so unhappy with their lives.

You prolly (LOL) know this already, but sometimes reinforcement helps!

(((Stillme)))

SD

Yep,

I agree w/ SD. "The Money" is just a prop. Just read this in a book I p/u by John Grey ('Men are from Mars' guy);

"Rationalizing can cover up our feelings of remorse that allow us to self-correct. We may do something that hurts others, but by rationalizing we deny our soul's desire to be compassionate. We say to ourselves, "There was no other way to get what I needed," or "I shouldn't feel bad, I wasn't responsible."

My bet is that sooner or later Still, your H will have to surface out of his rationalizations. You're doing an excellent job of allowing him to get there by stepping to the side.

L,

Sunny

Good point SD

I needed to read that today.

Dave

YES!!! Very well put, and exactly whta I think and - interestingly - even what H has SAID on more than 1 occasion -- that he doesn't TRUST me w/his heart anymore; he's AFRAID to try again b/c he's CAN'T go thru this again; he hurt for too long & too bad to think about even the POSSIBILITY of being there again.

Yeah, I know the money issues are the (very strong btw) props supporting H's anger - which (anger), not only is a powerful distraction & allows H's mind/heart to stay off thoughts of [anything else regarding me/M/R] but which, H believes, will carry him smoothly along to D-island w/the least amount of stress to himself.

Sunny, one of the things I've recently started praying at night is that God help me to get out of His way - regarding H and my R w/H - so your comment about 'excellent job of allowing him [H] to get there [to the surface] by stepping to the side' hit quite close. Thanks. I'm trying.

Thanks, all, for your words & wisdom.

Very enlightening exchange for all us these past few posts. Thanks for that!

Still, I'm sorry to say that what is happening between you and H seems unique to me from other sitch's I am following. There are other unique sitchs too, but your's just really strikes me as being in a class of its own. I don't mean that it is more far gone or difficult, necessarily, but that the dynamic is different. The good news is you are a unique DB'er, in a class all your own, so if anyone can handle it, it's you! And you, Queen Mother of the Universe (did I get that right?) are doing mahvelous!

Still,
just wanted to check back in. It seems you are moving in a good direction of stepping out of the way adn letting H come to terms with things in his own mind.
I agree with Sunny in her excellent analogy.

SD, I just have to say I LOVE! your "cocoon of denial" reference. It keeps echoing in my head as soooo true and (lol) a wonderful word-picture for our WAS's.

And the rest of what you posted is awsome, too. I've re-read it sev. times and am repeating it here in color to run back to when (not if) I need reminding. Thank you so very much.

a MLCer/WAS has one overriding motivator
the desire to remain in the coccoon of denial

This means-
* avoid decisive actions which will clearly show that they are responsible for any of this.
* try to manipulate the sitch to cause you to become ugly. This of course shows that they are not really the one to blame (in their reality anyway)
* use any excuse possible to justify what they are doing, other than to admit that they are delusional.

I cut and paste the cocoon of denial excerpt into my journal, great stuff. Lots of great energy and thoughts coming out of the great state of FL lately!

There was lots of lightening in the air earlier.

Ok, back on the GALing & Focusing-on-Me train!

Am teaching a class this morning, then lunch w/my British friend. Have a list of sev. places to propose Pilates classes in town, and 1-2 follow-up calls on that as well. Kids are still w/H (back tomorrow morn.), so today's a good day to get some concentrated computer-work done (ebay anyone?).

Friend A met me at the gym last night after my private session and we went for dinner, meeting her co-worker/friend there. Where do these people come from, and WHY have I never heard these stories before? Co-worker/friend has been D's from her H for over a year (and they were only M'd about 1yr) and has recently been dating him again & he has moved into her house. WTH?! How is this so common, yet I've never heard it before? It's like this is The Secret (lol)!

Anyway, hope y'all are doing well today. Gather up your PMA and make it a good one!