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SD - have you talked to him about it? I remember that Jen was having similar feelings a few weeks ago and she finally talked with her H and it helped.

Funny, I don't come over here too much but I get the sense that you have all stayed away from the R talks so much for so long...that you are a bit scared of them. You're in Peicing. I have to think that somewhere along the lines they stop being R talks and just become communication....at least I hope so.

Hi SD,
As you know, I just had Bomb #2. From that perspective, let me respond:You're absolutely right - you won't. Here's why - you said it yourself:Damn straight! The person I was who got bombed the first time, a year ago, is gone. The new me has a perspective, and a strength, and a self-confidence, that was not there back then. No matter what happens, it won't be the same ordeal it was - because I am starting out from a so much better place than back then. So are you.

Hey girl

I hope you're wrong as well. I think Rob and Scott have some great thoughts/suggestions. You get to write your ticket here so don't let the worry get in the way of enjoying life. I just think you're amazing.

Take care. Julie

I feel like Jeckyll and Hyde here, but not in temperment. In mood.

I am letting outside forces control me instead of controlling myself. I choose. I matter. I do what's right and compassionate rather than choosing based on how it might look, what others might think, etc. And that includes H. I do not have to make every choice based on what I think he might think. It's crap.

Again, I need to focus on me, making me happy. I need to let go and just BE.

SD

What's up, SD? The mood swings sound familiar - I went through a stage of thinking "this M is great" to thinking "this M is the pits" within a week.
These swings lasted a couple of months for me, I think they ended when I said to myself "oh stuff this!" and shared with H EXACTLY how I felt - like his LD. I laid it out "this is a problem and if you don't fix it I cannot guarantee I will stay in this M 2 or 3 years down the line. I am happy to help you if you want, but mainly it's up to you."
Sound like a threat? I made sure I said I didn't want to leave the M, but I found the living like brother and sister intolerable so may be forced to leave when I didn't want to.

Just to show you how I laid my feelings on the line, sat back, waited and watched and since then H made HUGE efforts and life is good. I think maybe he just needed a little instruction. He did argue back a bit at first, until I pointed out he has always told me "I like to be told things straight, if there is a problem just tell me what it is" - I think I said to him "you say you like to be told things straight, but you don't like to hear them straight". I refused to accept any of his old ways of putting our problems back onto my shoulders.

Make sense? Is this close ot how you're feeling? Or are you just busy out partying now school's out?

Not that I need it, but it's nice to hear:

BIL (who hasn't seen me since Christmas) says, "Where's the SD I know? Where's the bitter, bitchy woman out for revenge?" Kindly, but enough of the way I interpreted my in-laws actions for most of my marriage for it to have the ring of truth. Nice to have others see your difference....

And, even though everything went to hell with my in-laws today (among them), I left feeling happy and untouched. I totally DB'ed and detached from them. I don't have to taste their flavor of insanity if I CHOOSE not to.....

SD

Sweet, SD. WTG!

Sounds like victories for you on all fronts. You're awesome girl. Thanks for being you and for sharing you w/ us!

sounds good, but what happened? If you're up to sharing the details I'd love to know, not really about the whole arument but the bare bones of the issue and details of what you did that was different?

I ask because I'm now making nots of when i handle situations diffently along the lines of:

Old me:
Old result:
New me:
new result:

Kind of so I can focus on what is working to make my life happier and make sure I keep doing it.

Hey Julie--thanks for the kudos!

Jen--Well....essentially, family gatherings when FIL and SIL are together have a general script. SIL and FIL don't listen to each other, aren't heard, and essentially apply pressure to each other to change. H joins in...he thinks his sis is inflexible, she thinks he's self-righteous and judgmental.

In the past, I'd jump into the conversation to try to "help," and I'd just end up feeling upset because no one listened to me. We'd be going home and I would just b!tch about H's family, how I couldn't stand them, didn't ever want to be with them, etc. etc.

This time, however...I sat back and watched with a nice glass of wine in hand. BIL and I cracked jokes about other things and talked about strategies to stay out of the mess (BIL has *always* avoided these land mines....). I *did* at one point look at H when he and his sis were talking about how each perceives the other and tell him excitedly, "You guys need to check in with each other!" That's a strategy our MC gave us...H laughed, and the tension was broken...and then SIL wanted to know what that strategy was. So, basically, that sitch got a lot lighter.

And then...well, my step-MIL started getting quietly pissy about things (she'd told all of us to go ahead and play cards and enjoy each other instead of helping her clean up. So...we did. And she was ticked that no one was helping and chewed my step-SIL out which resulted in tears and declarations to the rest of us that she was done with her mother, etc. etc. I told her that she couldn't own other people's feelings, that she had to know herself and know she couldn't change her mom. You can only own your own crazy, and if her mom was upset, that was mom's choice, she had to take responsibility for not speaking her needs. Also, that even if mom thought something about her daughter, that didn't make it true.

So yeah, it was at that point that BIL looked at me and told me I'd changed. Because in the past, I would have joined in the bashing of everyone because THEY were wrong, THEY were evil and crazy. This time I just sat back and let it go, and I had a blast. I played with all the kiddos and chose to have a good time while others engaged in the usual family script.

I like my way better!