It seems like everything is pretty much the same here, but sometimes I see little pockets of improvement on his part.
Like July 4th, he said it was the first 4th in a long long time that there was no arguing, I have decided to just let everything go, and allow a day happen the way it wants to happen, and let my H plan whatever he wants to do on holidays and let him be the one to pick out the order of things, so he has the feeling of control over things. He still doesn't affection outside the bedroom, unless I initiate it. And yesterday I said something when saying goodbye to him on the phone about him saying IT first, and he said uh uh, I said it for years first, so now I am not going to anymore, that I would have to do it first. and I said what about when I am seventy, would he say it then, and he said maybe I will, let me see it will be about the length of time for you to say it first that I said it first, so maybe. Did that make any sense at all?
Then last night, he was late getting home, and due to the nature of his job, after almost two hours, I started getting worried, and YES, a little suspicious, so I called him. He said I can't talk now, I'll call you back. And in about five minutes he did, and said he was involved in a sting, and was just getting ready to take the guy to jail. He said they did it so late, because that was when the guy came to work, fifteen minutes before my H's shift was due to end. Well, anyway, he said I got an attitude with him, and I said I was just worried about him. He loves to say, like a stern father, don't get an attitude with me, young lady. Well, he doesn't add the young lady, but I can almost hear it anyway. I do say yes sir to him alot now. I got that from Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, When her H called to her to do a little hanky panky, she called out yes sir to him and went a running to him.. So, I figure a southern man likes to be called sir, or honey.
So, this morning, we woke up, and he said good morning, and leaned over to look at me, and when I turned he smiled the genuine smile I sometimes get nowadays. Then later he mentioned my attitude last night, and said when I called to check up on him, and I said NO, I called to see if you were okay, he said there I was getting an attitude with him when he said it wrong, and I said I'm sorry, and he said you better say I'm sorry, so I said it again. Anyway, he wasn't really very ticked off, and offered to show me the paperwork from last night, and naturally I declined.
Oh, the other day, Tuesday, he was getting ready to leave for work, and couldn't find his keys. He looked everywhere, and then I suggested he look in his car, which is where he locked them. He tried the spare key, but it wouldn't work, so he started looking for another key, and started hollering at me about my SECRET SPARE KEY. I told him I thought the one he had just tried was the one I had made and gave him. He said no it wasn't and where the you know what was it? I looked everywhere, dumping crap all over the bed to try and find one, and he walks in after awhile, and looks on a small shelf where I sometimes stash my small jewelry and stuff, and lo and behold, there is a key, and he checks it and guess what? It is the SECRET SPARE KEY. So, now, I am accused of playing games with him and why couldn't I find a key right there in plain sight like he did, and I told him he did stuff like that all the time, overlooking things right out there in the open. But he said no, I was playing games with him, hiding his stuff from him. So, anyway he starts to leave, and guess what?? His glasses are missing, and he says I hid them, too. So, he starts tearing up the bedroom in the area where he says he put them, gives up and angrily starts to leave, at which time, I follow him to his car, and say lets not leave it like this and him go to work angry, so he said well, give me a kiss, and I did, and I said I didn't hide your stuff, and you call me if you find your glasses, and I will call you if I find them. Then he pops out of the car, leaving the keys in the car, and the door open, and says you find them now, and went storming into the house, with me hot on his heels. The dang dog got in my way and wherever I stepped, he stepped in front of me, and my H started yelling for me to hurry up, and I hollered back the dog is in my way!! So, in we go to tear up the bedroom some more, and after a few minutes, he thankfully left. I told him I would call him if I found them. I found the stupid things a few minutes later, and called him, and he came and picked them up. The next morning, he was looking a little sheepish, but no apology, he doesn't feel he need apologize for how he acts towards me at all.
So, does anyone think he may be losing it? I don't really argue with him anymore, and rarely defend myself against these weird accusations about hiding his stuff, but sometimes I just feel it is right to stand up for myself. He isn't this way all the time, just really when he is very hurried or running late, and doesn't remember where he left his stuff, or know where I hid it!! not really!
We will be going on vacation soon, and I am hoping things will be so good with no arguing, and I will say nothing about the reckless driving of his, and just make sure I am buckled in, and ask God to protect us all. And he is the scariest driver in the world, and the other day almost pulled out in front of a fast moving car and when I said wait! he got a little ticked off, and said he could have made it, so next time, I just have to let him wreck, and then not say I told you so. He tells me he drives on his job every day, and he is good at it. Well, when it's us, and we are going down the freeway, he doesn't need to act as though he is after a suspect.
Well, I hope everyone here is doing all right, and I am going to catch up on some threads now..
Well, it's been a fairly uneventful last few days. H has been tired out from his job, and is going to sleep early. I have been reading alot of the other threads here, and there are some really interesting things to think about. I am getting some advice from some of yall, and you don't even know it. So, thanks, and I will some time say it on your own threads. Some of you haven't been here that long, and you sound so dang smart about DBing, that I feel like a dum-dum, because I don't know half as much.
It will be one year next week since I found out about H and ow. It will also be some sort of anniversary of the day they met or something, but we will be on vacation that day, so I am hoping he won't even give it a second thought, because we will be having so much fun. Well, I will be trying to make it a great vacation, and hope I will succeed in showing H that we can have time together without any arguing. Yall keep your fingers crossed.
Last night, H was in such an affectionate mood, he doesn't really show me any affection outside of the BR, but last night he was playful on the sofa, and silly with me. And when we went to bed, he wanted me near him all night, and when I moved to scoot over, he pulled me closer, and kept his arm around me all night. It was, kind of, I don't know how to describe it, but it felt different from how he usually is. If something is changing inside of him, I hope I don't screw up our vacation, and mess it all up.
I have some goals to work on when we get back, and the main one is to start contributing to the finances. I should already have done something, but I have up until really a couple of months ago felt scared to death of getting out there in the real world again.
Well, I guess it's off here and back to my chores, and stuff.
Well, this afternoon, I called H at work, and it took several tries before I actually got him on his cell. I thought he would be mad at me, because in the past he would say I was bothering him or checking up on him, to be calling him so many times. But he was nice and I was asking him how he was feeling, because he was having nightmares last night. We were talking about our trip, and he was being nice, and said ILY when we hung up, before I coiuld even get it out myself. I just hope he is really feeling it, and is finally coming out of the tunnel of MLC, and is going to be his normal self again. He was even talking about ML on vacation, like he is really looking forward to it. I mean I have stopped refusing it, and no longer reject his advances at all, but now I wonder if he is seeing the changes in me, and realizing that what he said at the beginning of this that he had wanted all along, he now has, with the exception of my working and earning money, which I really hope to be doing soon. I think he will show a lot more respect for me when that happens. I will say, I have met several of my goals, just that one has not happened yet. Well, vacation starts this weekend and I need to get ready, and so here I go..... Wish me luck,
Well, we are back from vacation, and it was really great. My H seemed happy the whole trip, and even would show me affection in public, which he doesn't often do anymore. He put his arm around me when we were walking, and that is so rare. He commented that it was a nice vacation, and the first time we went on a summer trip with no arguing.
Yesterday, though, when he was getting ready for work, I snooped in his wallet and found a receipt for some gift items, and I have no idea who he got them for. Now it was on the twenty-third, that he and ow had some sort of, I don't want to call it an anniversary, but they apparently considered it important to them, and we were out of town, so he was unable to contact her, unless he still has the secret cell phone, or when the cell record comes in for next month, I will see if he called her on the cell I got for him, the one he used to use to call her. So, of course, I can't ask him about the items, because then he would know I snooped, yet I wondered when we got back from vacation, why he seemed so antsy, and kept thinking it was the 23rd, when it was the 25th, but he said it ws because he had a court date that he missed, because we were out of town, and he did show me the subpoena for it.
So, I am now thinking he is still contacting ow, and is using his lying skills on me again, or still. I don't know now if he ever stopped lying to me, and now I think ow is not back with her ex-husband, and they are still carrying on. Sometime in the future, I may have to use a P.I. to find out what exactly is going on.
H said yesterday when we got into a R talk, that he used to wonder if I had mental health issues. He sometimes does that to tick me off, because if anyone is nuts, he is. I was depressed after we lost a baby, and of course this last year and the couple of years leading up to it, because I knew something was different with him, I was also feeling depressed, so if that makes me nuts, well, then...
He told me while on vacation that he wishes we had another child, and I wanted to scream at him, that HE was the one who stopped doing what it takes to make one. I wanted another one, but he had told me that five years ago, he had decided he wasn't going to let me get pregnant, and he didn't tell me that. Last year before I found out about ow, I thought I was pregnant, and he went nuts, and said he didn't want that, and said it would mean I had trapped him.
He also during our R talk, rehashed all the wrongs I had done over the years, including things I may have done only once, yet everything sticks in his mind. I told him that I felt he had done some things over the years to hurt me, but I didn't keep a record of wrongs against him, so would be hard pressed to come up with a list. Sure there are some things that I remember, but I try not to dwell on them the way he does. So, I don't know if I will ever trust him again, and I don't know if he will ever find happiness with me.
VC, Well the good news is that I found your thread.....but let's do a quick review.
You had a very nice vacation and he showed affection and you didn't argue. Umm, I give that 10 points POSITIVES....Then you snooped and came up with AMBIGUOS evidence he's still seeing her. Which would mean he is still confused but not leaving you....well? As for still lying, well are you sure it means dishonesty for him to not share every single memory of her with you? I mean, aren't there some things you'll never want to know? I visited our rental home in Alaska last week to prepare for the move and found some old Visa bills. As soon as I saw the dates (mind you, I don't even know if he did anything with OW or if there was one, etc, but I suspect a few dinners....) I said, "Hey, I don't want to find these things anymore so throw them away or keep them in the tax file or whatever. I don't need to see this crap." He said, wth? are you talking about? and I explained: "H, I don't know what you did or with whom when you first left. I just know that it hurts to wonder and I don't want anymore reminders. Would you?" He HUGGED me then, and turned the bills downface....wth?
I'll post more later if I can figure out how to start my own thing. Guess I've lost my old threads or cannot find them here b/c of my computer ignorance. you know, a good 180 for me would be to learn how to work this thing...
Let me see if can re-cap your sitch without even knowing it. You want to stay M and he seems to, or at least he hasn't said the D word....all I can suggest is that you stay in the moment and build on it. Last week when walking with h, I felt a bad memory resurface and had to repress it. I realized that other than some rare requests for reassurance, all I can really do now is let go of the past, in front of him at least. He wants a fresh start (his words) and has said some fun, romantic things. I've resisted and had to slap myself for that. We were shopping for a new bed up there and he said "it's like we're newlyweds" and why the hell didn't I just enjoy that? Because I'm still mad and afraid. But he has to know I won't hold this over his head forever or we can't start over and that will be my fault, kwim?
A year ago I went to Palm Springs for a business trip with him and the girls. I recall thinking that the memory might be the last one of the girls with their dad so I vowed not to bring up anything negative and to try hard to focus on the moment, and his positives. He is interesting, and he teaches the girls a lot about science, and geography and history,etc. So I just tried for those four days to enjoy him and whatever we could salvage of our friendship, etc. I think because I knew I wasn't "letting him off" but was just temporarily putting my justified anger aside, it worked. Really well. And now, I try to keep doing that, for a day or a week at a time. And the more of those "moments" I build with him, the easier it gets to let go of those bad memories...and the easier it is for him to trust the "new me"....is it fair? who knows? It is helping my sitch and that's all I can offer you at the moment.
Miraculously, d10 is "EXCITED TO BE MOVING" to Alaska....who knew? My main pain right now, honestly, is "losing" my d18 to college an hour from here. I have to keep that separate from other issues b/c it's unfair to blame h for her going to college. But d10's excitement, I hope, won't fade when she sees how the winter is...but again, maybe she'll LOVE ice skating....
Let me know how you're doing and why you have to worry about whether your h is still THINKING of her....I mean, he may mourn the "sacrifice" and that sucks for your ego and all. But then, he did pick you and the marriage. So, what about that? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey, J, thanks for coming by, I wondered where you were, and I sent you an email.
The receipt I found was dated the day after we came back from vacation. So, that's what made me wonder if he was rushing out to buy ow some stuff for their "day", because he, we were out of town on their "day". What does it mean when they seem to be thinking of wanting the M, and yet they do stuff like this? Could he still be torn between me and ow?? I mean he said ow went back to her H. Was he most likely lying about that? I snooped again and he has gotten rid of the receipt now, and maybe he suspected I knew something. It was for some inexpensive stuff, because I know he didn't have very much money left. I keep hoping he will let it slip that it was stuff for his Mama, but nothing yet.
He worked extra jobs yesterday morning, and last night, and will again tonight, he says to buy himself some toy for his gun. But, I am thinking that junior needs school stuff, so H may be being a little selfish.
As for vacation, H threw his arm around my shoulder when we were walking down the road and on the beach, and he seemed to like that I had lost enough weight since last vacation to get into a swimsuit that was three sizes smaller. I have a lot of more body work to do, but I think keeping the weight off is making me feel better.
I had always asked H to sleep in the other room on vacation, and at home because of his extremely loud snoring, because I could never get any sleep, but since all this, he and I sleep together, and on this vacation as well as the one in the fall, we slept together in the same bed, and H was really glad about that, but he did bring up AGAIN, about all the times he was asked to sleep elsewhere. I just told him it would never happen again. I can't keep apologizing over and over and over ad nauseaum, because it just doesn't seem to get through to him, anyway. He really seems to enjoy his victimization, even though it doesn't happen anymore.
He did tell me the other night when we had that talk, that sometimes when he says something mean to me, it makes him feel bad. So, is that good??
So, any help and advice would help now, and I will say this dang piecing is tough. So, help me not to screw this up.
buy a really good set of ear plugs, and I'm serious. I'd use an IPOD if it doesn't bother him. Staying in the same bed seems like one of those simple but essential keys to intimacy with or without sex. Snuggling, comforting in bad dreams, etc.
Try compartmentalizing in small amounts of time. Sorry if this is a repeat. But over a year ago we went to Palm Springs for a conference. The girls, me and H. I decided for 4 days I could set aside ALL anger and thoughts of the past or worries about the future. I really wanted the girls to have a fun little vacation and memories and maybe it'd be their last. We spent some on a horse tour, a show, etc. I let myself see my h's traits that I like and as for his not so great qualities, I'd either overlook them for the trip, or see them as endearing....(Mostly overlooked). He can be really funny and he is a great teacher about wildlife, geology, and the sciences in general. We really had fun. It was a good time. And since it was just for 4 days, I figured I could justify "letting h off" for a few days. You know, we had a really good time and I learned a lot. By focusing on the Now, the moments we DO have, we are building more of them. And as that builds, it seems to me, so far, that the past is easier to let go of. Each good time we have, kind of proves what we can build and regain, and even improve upon.
Can you take it maybe a week at a time? You know, no matter what your h's feelings are for ow, he is confused. Okay, so what? I mean, it'd be nicer if he were totally 100% SURE but he isn't. Are you? Really? I think he is trying hard to pick you. Make it easy for him, okay? LOSE thoughts of OW for a week at a time, okay? Until incontrovertible evidence of a PA slaps you in the face, why not enjoy and relish the hope that does exist? But if he treats you badly, a lot, at some point ask yourself if he is worth it...I trust you still believe he is worth it...so back to the Plan...
He's trying to work it out, no matter what ow is doing, with her h, or without, etc and for the life of me, how is obsessing or snooping going to help him sort it all out? isn't the building of memories the best way to "win" this? Even if you don't succeed, you are building memories for your son, AND you're making it harder for him to leave and "forget" all the good memories. Recall that you are replacing the bad ones he keeps bringing up, with good ones. BTW, doesn't he have ANY flaws in the past? Ask him when you guys are going to actually start fresh? If you can't hold the A over his head, and who the hell wants to? Then he has to stop justifying his past (or present) behavior with vilifying you. Enough. Move on. Or end it. Ask him. DOes he want the M to work or not? YOU"VE had to let go of a lot. It's his turn. Do this as lovingly, playfully and all, before you calmly suggest it. If it comes out in anger, just keep it short. Good luck, I'm moving in 2 weeks. I am , God help me, a little excited and sad and sorry to see d18 go off to college, and God knows what else...d10 said 2 things worth noting. last night she blurts out for the first time I can think of in 2 years...."I MISS DADDY".....OMG.....she also said she is "getting excited about moving to Alaska so she can have a new adventure".....Dang, I want HER attitude. I think since she's gonna be an only child in a way, it's her way of coping. Her older sister will have a new adventure, and so, she will too.
take care, and keep in mind that if your h is trying hard to sort things out, you gotta let him see WHY he should pick you and it isn't b/c of duty or being the right thing to do. (Well, to us it is, but not to them).....it's b/c you are a woman only a fool would leave....btw, did you do the grief diet or something healthy? I'm asksing b/c suddenly I have ADDED 10 lbs, which is really just great. The only up side is that in Alaska, I'll still be skinny... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey J, my H and I haven't slept apart even one night since this all began a year ago, and I have been surprised how his snoring doesn't bother me anymore, well, not too much, not enough to get up and sleep elsewhere. He has told me, and even said so recently that if only my changes had taken place before all this happened, before I found out about ow, that he could believe in them better.
When he says this, he won't say it for what it is, but will say, before it came to this or something, as though he could be ashamed to say it out loud. I hope he is confused, but leaning towards me, because I am really trying hard to be the way I should, without giving up the part of myself that I really like.
And since we do always sleep together now, I do know when he has bad dreams, like the other night, and I was rubbing his arm to comfort him, so yes, he seemed to appreciate that.
And of course he does not have any flaws, at least he says so. He says he is a good person, he says everybody says so. But he sometimes will admit to a flaw or two now. He will say that he should have taken control years ago. and he will get ticked off all over again because of our house siding, and how we were turned down on the lawsuit to collect any money from it, and how it was all my fault, as though I put the darn siding on the house. He totally blames me for that, and has dredged it up several times. I try to tell him that it was because of a failure of the builder to get the proper flashing installed that the siding was damaged, and the lawsuit wouldn't pay for it because of that, but he will not listen, so I just let him gripe about it, while I learn some home improvement stuff, so I can try to do some of the repairs myself. He says I screwed up, because some of his friends have gotten checks to fix theirs, and we should have gotten one, too. I just cannot make him see that above where the flashing should be is fine, but under where it should be is ruined. NOT MY FAULT!!
Yeah my diet was the infidelity diet. Now, though, I want to eventually start running again, which is something I really hate to do, but also used to love to do, at the same time. It would be nice to go to a place where you are the skinniest girl around, even though you aren't really skinny. What a confidence boost. I can't wait for you to go to Alaska, too. I want to hear all about it, and live vicariously your new adventure.
I am trying not to think about ow and my H. I hardly give her a thought, but I tell you that with her having a common name that seems to be everywhere, when I turn on the tv, on practically EVERY channel, I am serious!! Two shows that H and I watch, that name is on both of them!! Go check your dang email, and I will tell you the name, and you can see for yourself. My S has gotten to where we joke about the hated name, and every time we are watching something he will just turn and raise an eyebrow at me, if that name is mentioned.
You know, I appreciate your advice, and the advice of all those who have helped me, it helps keep me from going nuts. So, keep it coming.
Well, this morning, I called H at work to say hi, and he asked what I was doing. I told him I was watching a show on marriage, and it was run by a couple who, like us had been married for awhile, had run into some trouble in their marriage, and learned how to work it out.
He asked me what was on my mind, calling him while I was watching that show. I told him that we were on my mind all the time, well, I said not 100% of the time, but a lot of the time, and I said you asked me what I was watching, so that is why I described the show. I told him I was learning to trust him that he was telling me the truth, that he wasn't doing anything wrong, and we were both telling the truth about what we wanted from each other. When I told him I was learning to trust him that he was telling me the truth, I said right? And he said yes, he was. so, he is either a really accomplished liar, or he is telling the truth, and maybe the receipt for the gift items dated the 25th wasn't for ow.
Something weird, this year, I have been introduced to more people that he knows than ever before, some he has worked with for years, and they all seem to like me. It seems like everywhere we go, we run into someone he knows, and he readily introduces me, with no hesitation. So, maybe he will watch himself, if all these people are beginning to know who his wife is, and that she isn't the bit*h he told me other people have said I am. I have been nice to all of them, even suggesting that we go out one night with a couple who was vacationing near where we were. something that surprised my H very much, because he told me he thought I was anti-social, which I wasn't, I was just very self-conscious, still am, but the big weight loss has helped alot.
Well, I got off the phone and cried a little, and then got on here to write out my thoughts. Now, I am looking around to see all that I need to get to work on in this house.
