Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again NikkiB #16

I like that OT.

Sounds like a good weekend for you Nikki. I know what you mean about the accidental 180s.

Did you ever happen to get that For Women Only book? just curious. I know you've read a hundred, but that was a good book for understanding men better.

Sounds like a great time Nikki, glad to hear your bro is doing good too. Any racing this weekend?

-JDK

Thanks all for checking in!

OT and ST
oooh like the note idea!!! Next time, for sure. Actually WHAT a cool idea - H thinks he's opening a note about how to take care of the dog and ooh-la-la!

ST
Yes I did get that book actually - and thank you for the reminder! I think I'll read it again. I remember it being really good and it's probably VERY good timing (much better than just post bomb, for sure).

JDK
Thanks! On racing, possibly... no racing for H himself but he wants to go to some events. He may be going without me though (more in a minute).

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Some journaling...

- Does anyone know how to share large files? I have the 1 gigabyte file of the racing that I want to post but can't figure out how.

- Got a very upsetting call from my dad today. He is trying not to freak anyone out so he made it sound all casual but after thinking about it I realized that 1. He had a heart attack last week, and 2. He has a procedure tomorrow and Friday to help ward-off future heart attacks. He's only 60. I had a bunch of other GALing plans but canceled so I can be w/my dad, either at the hospital or home depending on how it goes.

- H keeps asking if I'll go to his race this weekend. I want to, but depends on my dad. And it sucks because one of the reasons H gave for running was fear of my dad (due mostly to his depression, probably also why his W has walked away). Soo.. H is asking, but I'm afraid to commit to anything, and afraid to say anything that makes my dad's health seem even scarier. He doesn't know about the heart attack and it sucks, I wish I could tell him and get hugs but I don't feel safe doing it right now.

- Went to the dog park for a cruise/visit tonight and had a GREAT time. Met a group that usually has set times to get together and will be back for sure. My poor girlie is exhausted (she's 10 and was keeping up w/a bunch of pups and 1-2 year olds!). But we had a lot of fun.

thanks for reading, caring, and the hugs!!

Nikki - sorry to HJ your thread - was wondering if OT could read my thread and offer input...

OT - I have been reading the boards here since last summer and H is hell bent on D though he gives me mixed signals....I still do not want to give up and yet not sure how much more my heart can take! I would appreciate your feedback!

My threads are below my signature but my lastest thread is:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1061299&page=1&nt=9&fpart=1

Thank you so much - just feeling down today

Nikki,

"H is asking, but I'm afraid to commit to anything, and afraid to say anything that makes my dad's health seem even scarier. He doesn't know about the heart attack and it sucks, I wish I could tell him and get hugs but I don't feel safe doing it right now."

This is sooo wrong in so many ways:

-- it is dishonest
-- it is withholding
-- you are not giving H a chance to be a decent guy
-- you are hiding stuff from him to avoid his reaction (I know you love it when he does this to you)
-- you are creating barriers to intimacy
-- you are building into your M things you don't want it to have
-- you are not treating H decently
-- you are mindreading and expecting H to be an *ss
-- you are doing stuff (by all of the above) that will hurt H very deeply if he finds out later

STOP IT. NOW. Tell him NOW:

"H, I need to tell you something. I learned yesterday that my father had a heart attack and is having a procedure. It really shook me up. I want to spend time with him this weekend. That is why I was vague about the racing thing. I am very sorry about not telling you right away. I hesitated because I scared myself telling myself all kinds of stories about how you would react. That was not fair to you. You are a compassionate and loving man. You deserve better than my withholding things from you to try to manage you. I will do better in the future."

NOW.

I agree that it is not best to withhold that info. If it was someone that wasn't so closely related, maybe it wouldn't be a relevant to tell him, but I'm sure your H knows your dad well, and I'm sure if something crazy happened, he would be hurt that you didn't tell him about the heart attack and procedure.

I don't see why H would be a jerk about it...maybe he might be selfish at first, but I think overall he would totally understand and would probably want you to be with your dad.

OT and ST - thanks... I see where you're coming from.

I hope I didn't come across that my H would be a jerk about it - I COMPLETELY don't think that, at all. I think he'd be very loving and compassionate and absolutely a decent guy. But a very large part of me fears that it will scare him into running again. Not now, because he's too kind and caring to do that, but 3 or 6 months from now when Dad's "out of the woods" but there's still a higher risk of him having another heart attack. He gave my broken leg and lost mobility from it as one of the reasons for leaving, but he waited until I was strong enough to take care of myself before he left. Left a big impression on me.. obviously... and a deep fear. He later acknowledged that wasn't really fair and kind of hinted it wasn't even a real reason but it still rattled me (and continues to).

I know he's here but I don't feel very secure in it, yet, I suppose.

And I know these are all some really messed up excuses. This is LIFE, it could happen to ANYONE he's with or it could be HIS dad... it's not something wrong with "me" or "us."

Thanks for the reminders.

IF your H is recommiting to your marriage then i feel he needs to be in on every aspect of your life good or bad. Look at it as a way to find out for yourself if he is really in it for the long haul, And give him the chance to show you he is.(i know easier said than done).


I don't get she's just a friend. What i get is she wouldn't do do that (as in she's a saint) If he only knew some of the things she has done that i found out about. That is why im'e suprised that i have all of my tongue still.

Im'e still working on me,trying to learn to get through negative thoughts without bringing them up to H. He just seems to want to pretend like nothing ever happened and i think im'e having a hard time moving forward without that validation.

You have done such a wonderful job.

I really find help for my sitch in your posts as our sitches seem very simalar.

JAk

Nikki,

I'm a bit confused by the message in your post. Are you going to tell him or not?

You are lying to H about your dad to keep him from running from his fear (of what? his own mortality?) or running because he is simply unwilling to deal with the pain life brings us.

This is a lot like faking Os with H to keep him from running from his fear of sexual inadequacy or running because he is simply unwilling to deal with your authentic sexuality.

You are building your M, why would you want to give it such a poor foundation?

Treat H like a man you would want to be married to, not like he is a spineless, insecure, creep. Be honest with him, be direct, and apologize for withholding this kind of information.

Sorry OT I realized later that was vague. Yes, I told him. (more in a moment)

Yes, fear of his own mortality and the pain of life in general. It's what he was running from. I just wish it weren't happening at all and certainly wish he wasn't having to face something like this with me SO soon after getting home.

I am also not dealing with it very well myself at the moment. I'm trying not to blow it out of proportion, but I'm realizing it's more serious than Dad let on at first. It's not "angiogram then either angioplasty or I'm fine" it's "angiogram, then either angioplasty or a bypass depending on what we find." I'm really scared but all I can do right now is hope. Won't know anything and I can't go see him for at least another hour.

As for H, I called to tell him and I did apologize for not telling him sooner. I didn't phrase it exactly like I probably should have, but I told him what was going on then said "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I was scared to tell you because before you said that my dad scares you and I didn't want..." and H kind of stopped me there and said "That's not it at all." I'm not entirely sure what that meant but it was in a reassuring tone. I apologized one more time and then we turned the focus back to my dad. He kept telling me my dad would be OK and "Take care of yourself ok?" Thought the second part was a kind of strange response, but then I never know what to say to people when something like this is going on either.