Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My wife is falling in love with OM - II

So i'm feeling a little down today. I could use some positive insights, or encouragement to keep going.

I struggle with the decision to just move out and take the kids with me 2 weeks out of the month, or do a split where my wife and I both move out and parent our kids seperately in our house. I don't even know how to interact with my wife anymore, every interaction is completely saturated with this 'unhappiness' of my wife. She hates the situation, she hates the house, she hates the yard.

As long as my wife is continuing her A, i feel like there is no hope for us. I'm not even sure there is hope if the A was over. I'm not sure what to do.

Next

I hope you don’t mind but I am cross posting in all of your threads because I value all of your inputs and I want to make sure all of you see this. Please respond back in my thread thanks.

I found a “wife profile” test in the book I have been reading “the five languages of love” It about how different people need different things to feel they are loved. There is 1) touch, 2) words of affection 3) act of service 4) gifts and 5) quality time.

Buy answering these 20 questions it is supposed to reveal what your “love language is.
I have not asked my W for ANYTHING for the last 2 months. I was going to print this out and tell my W I am working on my problems and ask her if she would help me and would answer these questions for me. There is no writing involved you just circle a letter.

I’m going to ask her to answer these questions thinking what she would like her perfect husband to do.


What do you think?
Again I am sorry for cross threading this but it is important to me that I have all of your inputs.
(I a still going out Friday)

Husband

So its been a while since I posted. Not too much has changed in my situation. Some tension in my home life has been defused, but I think its only because I have decided to move out and get my own place.

Its been a really difficult decision. But i think the best one for me and my kids. I have been trying to keep busy, and getting a new place will take up a lot of time with getting furniture, moving, etc. I still tear up when i think of how we're going to tell my little girls.

My wife seems more infatuated with this guy then ever. However we have been having some good time together recently. I'm confused by it some, and i'm not sure if she now feels like i'm a partner in the seperation and feels less guilty about it, or if she is just relieved that something is moving forward in the direction she wants. I get mixed signals. The other night i was in my room working on my computer, and she came down and sat on the floor and worked as well, at first she was a little grumpy, but i cut through that with some humor, and then for the next 2 hours we talked, listened to music and joked while getting some work done.

I read David Cunninghams ebook, and it really opened my eyes, more so than David Deidas books as it is written in a no-nonsense direct manner dealing with couples exclusively.

I think the biggest thing to increase the attraction for me in her eyes (if its not too late) is Independence. Once we got married, and had kids I basically dropped all my independent activities (other than work). I thought thats what a good father does, he is always with his family. NO. I was wrong, all that made me was a boring unattractive man and father.

Sure I made other major mistakes in my marriage, and my communication skills - and being able to hear what she was really trying to say were piss poor, but i feel good about how i have grown in those areas now. But i still don't see the attraction for me in her eyes. Its going to be a long hard road to get there i feel.

I have been a wimp in my marriage, and now i understand even more why GAL, and Detaching are so important. Especially for a man to do with a WAW.

I'm flying to San Fran early next month for 5 days to hang out with some friends that are also headed there for the MLB Allstar games. I'm looking forward to it, and feel this is a good GAL move for me as i won't have much time to feel bad about the problems at home.

I'm going to continue to work on my marriage, and i am definately working on being an Attractive superior man, but i have to let her figure things out on her own.

I'm with ya there. I just wish I could see the light in GAL. It seems you have.

Hey I live about 20 min north of S.F get time stop by
Husband

So i found out my wife saw OM last night, when I thought she was out with her friends.

I feel like a chump as i've been asking her how she feels, and if she would like some breakfast thinking she might feel a little under the weather from drinking last night.

She admitted it to me when i asked her how her friends were, and how they got home. She said "i'm sorry, but you were asking" - I said, "i just was interested in your night, i guess i should stop asking." She said "i'm sorry i hurt you", i replied "I guess you must feel like you are doing the right thing or you wouldn't do it"

So what do I do now? i feel like telling her to go to hell, i'm not moving out of my house, she can. Why am I so nice to her? I was nice to her all day yesterday too, I took care of the kids most of the day. Since she was getting ready to go out with her friends. FRIENDS. Nice i guess HE qualifies as her friend. So i'm helping her out so she can be with him. What should i do? Stop being nice to her? Avoid her as much as possible?

I can one up ya.

I took care of our son while my W stayed at OUR TIME SHARE with HER FRIENDS (OM).

talk about a chump.Not only was I baby sitting for the OM I also paid for the room for him to screw her in.

Husband

Hey Husband and Next steps,

Your sitchs suck.

As a W i can tell you that knowing my H was attractive to someone else and involved with someone else certainly mede me view him afresh. I guess thats what going dark is all about. There's nothing like thinking there is competition out there to make you sit up an think though. I don'y know about your W's but if someone tells me I can't have something it generally makes me want it more!

Hope things start improving soon.

saffie

Thanks Saffie

I needed the reminder. I am trying to detach. things go good for a while then the thought of the OM comes into my mind and upsets my cart. I also am becoming unsure of my felling towards my W. I wonder do I really love her or is it just because of my son i am staying?

Husband

Husband,

Hang in there and remember the baby steps. Sometimes it is hard to remember what it is we want and we get lost in the muddle of it all. So do our H/W's which is why their behaviour can be so strange and hard to read. All you can do is what you believe to be best at the time based on the circumstances at that time. As long as you are true to yourself and treat others with the respect you want to be treated with then you can hold your head up high and be proud of yourself. I wouldn't think your W feels very proud of herself at the moment.

My thoughts are with you.

Best wishes

Saffie

So, i made a lease offer on a house today. I should hear back from the owner to see if it all works out, and i'll have a place to move into. This has been a long hard road, and this has been a very difficult decision, but after talking to my wife last night I am more at ease with it, i realize that i can't change her mind, and if i'm going to be happy and move forward i need my own place.

Basically we chatted about us and our past, and there was a lot of good, and some bad, and simply we both are to blame for what happened in our closeness.

Unfortunately instead of working things out, my wife turned her love towards someone else. Basically she is running to someone new that she feels happy with. She takes the blame for putting herself in a postition to do this to our family, but she is unapologetic in continuing the affair/relationship, and moving forward with splitting the family up. Its like she is saying - "i shouldn't have done it, but now that its done, i really am happy with him so, i'm not sorry i did it"

I take the blame that she was even vulnerable to an affair. I simply got caught up in life, and became comfortable in our relationship. David Cunningham defines this as becoming "unnattractive". And talking to my wife, she pretty much came out and told me the things that in the last few years were unnatrractive to her. She also apologized for acting badly towards me, when at those times she can now tell I needed her support the most, and all she ended up doing was pushing me away.

Whats sad, funny, disturbing is that she says "now i know what not to do in the future." - meaning this new guy, this guy the flirted with, and made himself available to my wife when she was the most unhappy will get the benefit of her new 'kinder, gentler' self.

So.. i don't know whats left for my wife and I. She is crazy about this new guy. She is fairly upfront to me, and others saying she wants a relationship with him. Apparently this is fairly standard for a lot of people on these boards, so all I can do is sit back and be my attractive self, and see what happens. Whenever I think that maybe she found someone wonderful and its over for us, i realize that everyone unfaithful spouse feels the same way, and 80% of those affair relationships end.


Unfortunately he lives 3 hours away, so the long distance ideal of him can live on for some time, i've read that the inlove feeling for a long distance relationship can live on much longer. (it seems like everything is stacked against me)
From what I know about my wife is unless something major happens in their relationship, or a miracle happens and she starts questioning 'them', she won't be in a place to see me for who I am.

I know my situation is not unique, as many others on this board have said the same thing. Their spouses give up, say its too late, and move on. What i realized is everything is simple 'attraction'. The hurt is gone in my relationship with my wife, she simply is attracted/infatuated with someone else.

I'm regaining my confidence, I'm getting my footing, and i'm no longer pursuing my wife. And with my new place, i will have my independence. I haven't tried to convince her to stay or work on us in a while. I am still 'friendly' towards her, but thats it. - no logic, no reasoning, no trying to 'get her back'. She will make that decision on her own - if and only if the following 3 things happen.


Step 1
I am happy with myself, am productive, and continue to improve myself. Basically I become Attractive again.
Step 2
A miracle happens. Either my wifes relationship ends, or she wakes up to something.
Step 3
Hopefully i'm still in a place to forgive, and work on us. The longer this goes on the harder it is to imagine this.