Thank you Delia for your advice. My stich does seem a bit different than most I guess. You know I need to sit down and analize to really see what really works best,but it seems like it just depends on what stage H is at w/ the affair. In the beginniing of it all when I really had no clue what to do I stopped doing what I was doing when I noticed he was enjoying the attention from us both. I did implement the Db of act as if and kill'm w/ kindness. I changed a few things like our constant arguing. I did not have alot to go on b/c H did not complain much or let me know his feelings. I did know we were both tired of all the arguing. I realize we did not know how to communicate w/ out arguing. I gave him alot of space but it got to point where he complained he did not need so much space. He wanted more attention.
I got tired of his palying us both and coming & going on the wekeends. I decided I had to get my respect back somehow. I put my foot down and insisted he move out. He hesitated a while. He seemed to not be ready yet,but everyday I persisted on it and slowly he did all his stuff is still here and he has not been gone long.But I think he is slowly starting to see the reality vs the fantasy. It helps when she has her child everday b/c it makes it even more real. Right now they r having partys everyweekend just about. His possesiveness must come w/ the hispanic machoness teritorial thing. I have "tested" his feelings towards me when it comes to making him jeoulous, I guess for my own reaffirmation. Last night he IM me at home and when I first got onluine he wrote" about fkng time! I knew he was still sore about my email. I waited to see what he would write but he got impatient that I wouldn't respond. I finally tried to set the right mood by telling him we like his picture he sent(he had shaved his mustache) & I wrote he looked younger. He knows I like the clean shaven man. This was of no good he was truly still very upset. Said he wrote back to my work email & he did not receive my D10 email.I asked what he wrote & he said he did not have time for my bull*. I wrote alright and he wrote bye. I signed off shortly after. This morning he was not online,but I wrote him a few lines. I wrote: I know I wear my heart on my sleeves & you keep it all bottled up. I don't know which is worse. I don't want to read what you wrote me back on my work email b/c I know you wrote some hateful things out of anger.Just like I should of deleted those things I wrote. Don't let your anger get in the way of your relationship w/ your daughters today. Find it in your heart to forgive and move from that pain. Today is a new day and all new days are full of possibilities. Make it a good one. Please write and let me know your ok?
Very nice e-mail, I think. Very kind and generous. And don't discount your flattery just because he seemed not to acknowledge it. I know my H can't get enough of that kind of praise, which is probably why he goes seeking it out with new conquests. You can lay it on as thick as you want.
You certainly gave him a full and generous apology, and that's important for you as well as for him. Yes, he does sound pretty macho, but that can work in your favor, if he feels protective of you and the girls.
Very nice e-mail, I think. Very kind and generous. And don't discount your flattery just because he seemed not to acknowledge it. I know my H can't get enough of that kind of praise, which is probably why he goes seeking it out with new conquests. You can lay it on as thick as you want.
You certainly gave him a full and generous apology, and that's important for you as well as for him. Yes, he does sound pretty macho, but that can work in your favor, if he feels protective of you and the girls.
Very nice e-mail, I think. Very kind and generous. And don't discount your flattery just because he seemed not to acknowledge it. I know my H can't get enough of that kind of praise, which is probably why he goes seeking it out with new conquests. You can lay it on as thick as you want.
You certainly gave him a full and generous apology, and that's important for you as well as for him. Yes, he does sound pretty macho, but that can work in your favor, if he feels protective of you and the girls.
Good morning! I wanted to start reading your thread. Can you give me (or point me to) a brief summary/recap of your sitch? I din't see one just scanning the posts on here.
Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
That is interesting to me that you put your foot down. I sort of used mental warfare on mine. He had been talking about leaving for five months and did nothing. He would threaten it when I asked too many questions. One day I started putting his things together for him. Then stopped because I told him if he wanted to leave he should do it himself. He told me, no go ahead and pack for me.
Recently he claimed to have tried to leave but I wouldn't "let" him. I told him no, you just didn't go. (I didn't want to throw him out because it is one of his childhood issues.)
So last Monday he came early in the morning to say he was leaving. Its not like he has been sleeping here anyway. Then he didn't do anything about it. So I texted him asking when he was leaving. He got mad and asked me why I was asking. Then about three days later he took some work clothes with him. He comes and gets things to wear. Occasionally brings stuff back. But he no longer gets ready here. Which really bothered me today. He bought a new tooth brush and shaver and some other stuff for where ever it is he stays. ALl that stuff including his deododrant is still here. Remember he says he is "floating." Quite possible since he used to do that as a teen. At anyrate. He shaved here today?????? After I cleaned the bathroom !!!!!!!!!!!!!UGH.
He asked his sister today what I say about him. She said NOTHING. She told me he got real quiet. She knows what is going on, but said she is not telling him a word. She has been trying to get me to do more stuff to get his attention. She thinks I have been too nice and that its not working. She wants me to GAL. I would but I dont have a car right now and its hard to get a sitter for four kids. She does not want me to always be here when he comes around. Her points are valid and he does question stuff I do. He even looks to see what I do online while he is here.
I am going to try really hard to disappear this week. We will see what happens.
I know what you mean about the macho stuff. My H is half Spanish.
My H returned from out of the country last nite. Saturday I got online and he quickly got on the Im and asked to talk w/ the girsl. After they went back and forth w/ ILY's then I quickly tried to get of the IM w/ him by saying that I will say good bye b/c i wa sure he did not want to talk w/ me. He asked why not? I reminded him of my lst nasty email I sent to hsi work email and told him I had (sat morning) sent an apology one. H said his work server is down right now so he could not read it. H said he does not think I've changed b/c of that of how I say things & then try to take it back. I reminded him of of I am hurting and that changes don't happen overnite & God was still working w/ me. Nevertheless he was ok now. He asked me who I was palnningto goon a"honeymoon" w/. I reminded him of what he has said before that he dos not care & so why ask me? He said I keep telling him things like that or "playing" w/him that he is starting to believe me an if that was the case that iI have someone then he is ready to sell the house ,move on and be able to buy himself another place on his own. I said there is no other person. I wish I had someone to love me and spen time w/ me though like he has. He asked if I was really going outof town & said yes I did request the two days off & must of gorgotten he wanted the girls that same weekend b/c he asked where the girsl were gong, I said w/you? After that we must of chatted for at least an hour or so. I can tell he has been doing some thinking while he was away (just as I hoped for).
I dont' how we got on the topic (maybe he was horny),but he started a topic(fantasy) that I just played along w/ for a little bit. Until he touched on the sex topic of how I wouldn't do certain things to him. I should of told him I wasn't a mind reader b/c he said I should of known this is what he likes. So just as I thought I think (know) Ow is competley satisfying his sexual needs the way I wouldn't.
Question? I thought my H might be "whipped", but just how many of these affairs last on just sexually satisfaction? It makes me wonder since my H did get me "hooked" enough to marry? He said I wasn't the kind of woman to do those things. I reminded him that if he were to meet my needs -QT & spend time w/ me that I was willing and able to do ANYTHING for him. H never wanted to take me anywhere. I don't know if he gets the concept of compromise yet. He admitted it got too boring. I told him but plenty fo marriages do thing to keep it interesting. we wer reminsicing for a bit. I pointed a few times when we were abl r tobe "spontaneous" w/ only one child, like the time we had to call the paramedics (i will leave that to your imagination)! He said yes to it all. Months ago whenver I pointed good times he wan't able to remember them, so baby stpes?
This is just a thought, here, but I don't think that the OW IS completely satisfying your H's sexual needs. If that were really the case, he wouldn't be on the phone with you for an hour talking fantasies and reminiscing about the time with the paramedics (which I would love to hear about, by the way). You know, it's not all just about what she's willing to do for him: for it to be really good, there has to be another kind of connection beyond just the mechanics of it. And that connection he has with you.
Yeah, he's satisfied, because he's got two chicks and he's living the life. His ego must be swollen like a blimp and floating up above the clouds somewhere.
But you two sound like you had a really good chat, friendly, and sexy. There's no doubt in my mind that he doesn't want to let go of you. The problem is that he doesn't want to let go of OW either. There's probably nothing very special about her at all. She's just someone different, a novelty, and a huge ego boost for him.
You're staying friendly, and doing great. There'll be setbacks, but you two seem like you really understand one another. For a couple with three kids, you sound like you had one very hopping love life. He's got to miss that. Bunch of BS about what you will and won't do. He's got to know he had it good.
