Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Almost 8 months and counting

Heh, Yoyo. Thanks for thinking of me. Hope you have a good day.
Matilda

Yoyo,

Read your post.

I think when someone is in MLC and only thinking about "themself" they hav have a buried conscience, so-to-speak, so they appear fearless and confident. They don't care who they hurt, not even their own children. So they are self-confident and fun, merrily screwing their "soul-mate" affair partner, high on endorphins and the chemistry of a new romance. They think they are self-actualizing. They are high on narcicism. He doesn't think he's better than you, he's just thinking only about himself and his needs, and conversely, you probably think very little of yourself, and mostly about his needs.

We the LBS, are going through depression and shock. With a completely different bio-chemical cocktail, we are anxious, desperate, lonely, our world is turned upside-down, and most of all...we are scared.

Our fear gives them all the power. They feed on our fear and love the control. Our fear makes them drunk with cockiness and recklessness. Our fear, on the other hand, cripples us. It makes us hang on their every word. Every time they throw us a crumb of affection, we jump up and down like a Labrador Retriever who hasn't seen his/her master all day. The fear makes us lose our self-respect. We can't lay down healthy boundaries because we feel we need them so much. We tolerate almost anything if we think it will get them back.

At some point we realize we don't need them.

Then things start to change. The power shifts back in our favor.

How to get there?

Same old stand-by's: Get a Life, take care of yourself.

Here's one that helps some of us: anger. You get so pissed off you don't care what he thinks anymore. Then you finally show some backbone and stop being at their beck and call.

Stop inviting him over for dinner and sex. STOP.

He knows he can have you at any time. Why should he buy the cake when he can dip his finger in the frosting any time he wants? Men want what they can't have. Remember that.

You are a wonderful, beautiful woman. Show some backbone.

--theoden

theoden,
that was great advice i will have to take you up on that myself!

Tell me moms/dads...how do you respond after you have a had a sad heart ot heart and find yourself having a nervous breakdown infront of your girls and tryiing to hide your tears,they ask mommy why r u crying?? How do you respond?
C.

Yo Yo,

Have posted to you on MLC. Just keeping up with your Sitch. Your sitch is so much like mine it give me the creeps.

My H just recently told my daughter, "don't you want daddy happy". My daughter asked him "don't you want me happy". He had no clue what to say. What a jerk to put our kids through all of this.

I have gone dark on my H since May 8. It is driving him nuts that he can't have his emotional fix from me and his OW. He is now the pursuer. I don't know if this will work, but it makes my life easier. He can have his tramp.

My prayers are with you sweetie....

goal,

that's it. make him pursue.

How old are the kids?

My little girl asked me why I am sad. I said, "It's grown up stuff, don't worry about it."

--theoden

Yoyo,
This is about your happiness too! I guess we all need to remember that sometimes I should take my own advice.

Goal,

Did you tell your H you were GD or did you just start cutting the communication? I started cutting the communication with my H a long time ago and he followed suit. He told me that since I was cutting it off, he knew it was something we would have to do eventually so he just started pulling back too. I feel I have nothing to hold onto anymore.

UB

Theoden,

My daughters are older. One just turned 16 and the other turned 19 yesterday.

You are so right on about what most of us in this situation go through. Narcissm is my H's middle name. I have even had friends tell me that how people all over town are talking about how he changed so much and how arrogant he is. They can't believe his throwing and his family like that and risking our business like that. We LBS do fear the unknown. We have lost the love of our life and are lonely and know that our lovers are in somone else's arms. There is definitely a fine line between love and hate.

After the moving incident I have a strong resolve to stay away from him. Oldest D just left to go out to dinner with him for her b-day. Youngest D chose to go watch a baseball game over him. It is sad, but he is losing her. To her right now he is just money or calls when she needs him to do something. It's his fault he should have been spending time with her all of this time, but he hasn't. He doesn't even have a proper place to live. He has a bed set up in one of his spare offices, so how is she supposed to spend the night with him. Everytime I have gone out of town I have asked him to keep an eye on her for me, but she always talked big sis into coming home from college to stay with her.

Goal,
You are right our situations are so similar. We both recieved our bombs within weeks of each other and the length of relationships are the same, unreal. It sounds like you are doing a good job, keep it up. I recently read Andy V's thread and he talked about what he is thankful for, it opened my eyes. I'm trying to dwell on the wonderful things in my life and not H's problem, which I have no control of.

Unbroken,
I didn't tell him I was going dark, I just started cutting back on communication dramatically and like you said he is doing the same. Right now I don't know where this is going, but I am trying my best to be the best person and mother I can be.

Everyone,
I've got to the point that I don't even want to discuss my situation with friends or family anymore. Most think I should seriously think about filing D, but I'm not ready. I guess I want him to do it if it's going to be done. I just come here to journal and get advice from everyone, it has been a lifesaver for me.

Thanks everyone,
Yoyo

Yes! and, all of those emotions in one day!!! No wonder I'm exhausted!

Me, too!

Matilda