I wanted it to be MLC because it gave me hope that he would eventually come out of it. What I didn't know (and have since found out from his sister) was that H was basically this way all his life. We were married for 20 years, and I either didn't know him .. or he truly had a split personality.
The man I "knew" (and the kids knew) was a kind, laid-back funny guy that would do anything in the world for his family. He was generous, dependable, romantic, basically all the things that everyone looks for in a spouse.
I always wondered why he had so many jobs over the course of our marriage. He usually said it was because another company made a better offer, or he would have some convincing excuse as to why he "quit". I now know that he was fired from most of these jobs for dishonest conduct. No one ever told me and I never questioned it, because H would always have another job lined up before the dust settled.
H happens to work in a very well-paying field and he was good at his job. When some "investors" approached him two years ago about starting up his own company, the money they offered him was enticing enough to finally let the "mask" drop . His true personality came out. He resumed drinking, smoking, started an affair with a 23 year old girl, and basically turned his back on me, our marriage, and our family. It pretty much met the criteria for MLC, so that's what I thought it was.
The "investors" fired H last year for .. you guessed it .. dishonest and unethical conduct. Except H finagled a generous buy-out from them from the contract he had drawn up. Those were the funds and assets that he hid from me.
I had a gut feeling all those years about H, but I didn't want to face it. He was so darned convincing. It's still hard to believe that he could put up a respectable front for 20 years, but my SIL swears that is exactly what he did.
Maybe a little part of him actually loved me. I do think he loved the kids, as much as he was capable.
But I would be hard pressed to find a colder, crueler person than H right now, so you are absolutely right, PS .. he needs tons of help and I fear for him, too.
Now that I'm no longer in denial and have quit making excuses for H ..
It is so therapeutic to finally write the truth down about my sitch. I didn't want to see it or admit it for so long. Now the dots are finally starting to connect.
Thank you guys for being here and listening to my crazy story.
It pleases me much to see you post that. Just to give you some idea of my sitch. There were things looking back that I should have noticed, but didn't. It happens. The great part is we get to move forward with eyes wide open. We learn the lessons of the past so we don't have to repeat them in the future.
There will be ups and downs, but you are going to be ok.
pleases me much to see you post that. Just to give you some idea of my sitch. There were things looking back that I should have noticed, but didn't. It happens. The great part is we get to move forward with eyes wide open. We learn the lessons of the past so we don't have to repeat them in the future.
Can I get an AMEN
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
Val - But don't ever beat yourself up about doing the right thing. You hung in there, because that's what marriage and committment are about. Now the corner's been turned and you should be proud that you did all you could.
Of course he loved you and probably still does. Do not second guess that, it's too hurtful. I truly believe they get in too deep and don't know what else to do. After a time, we're worn down and over and it's time for our future... yours is awesome. Based on your loyalty, you are something to be treasured, as from your posts I see that your family does...
This is definitely the place to come and let it all out, we all understand, been there done that, again and sometimes again... but lived and survived and thrived to keep telling the tale.
Val, I hear waht you're saying and I struggle with it myself. Am i making excuses for my H by saing he's sick or is he a lost cause. I struggle with that every day. So, I am pursuing the route of trying to figure out if something is psychologically wrong with him to give this one last shot. If not and really is a lost cause (God forbid), i will walk away. It's a fine line and a constant battle in my head. But as long as H is willing to pursue help, I cannot walk away.
As for you, I am glad you are reaching a new stage in your own personal process. Looks like you're in some sort of acceptance stage and you're letting go of a lot.
You are an amazing woman. Just amazing. And there is a man out there who will see that and scoop you up the first minute he can (if, of course, that's what you want). And if that's not waht you want, then you will go on about your merry way finding ways to live a happy peaceful life.
You rock, girlie!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Thank you for posting on my thread. I so appreciate what you wrote to me.
My family (small as it is) has been my rock these past two years. We have grown even closer because of H's crisis (or whatever it is that he has been going through).
In fact, I think it holds true for all of us that we grow spiritually and emotionally during times of trouble. The person I was two years ago had a lot of lessons to learn, but I didn't have a clue. Today I'm a better, kinder, more patient person that I ever was .. which tells you what a hothead I used to be!! lol!!
T-shirts? I have one that says "Heads Up" .. I won it for writing a funny poem that was published in a beer-drinker's publication. What an honor!!!!!
You are absolutely right, PS. As long as your H is willing to get help for himself, you should hang in there. My H had an appointment to see a psychiatrist in February 2006 but he didn't keep the appointment. I have often wondered if it would have made a difference in the outcome of my sitch.
I read yesterday that we can choose to have fear in our life or we can choose to have faith, but we cannot have both. I let fear dictate my life for a long time (fear of losing my M, my home, my security ..) and all that worry only made the situation worse.
I finally got smart and had faith that everything would be okay for me regardless of H. My life is much better now. (Things aren't looking so good for H, but those are the consequences of his bad decisions).
Another man? Gosh, PS, I haven't dated in 20+ years. I do know that I'm ready to get out and have some fun. I could wear my "Heads Up" t-shirt!! lol!!
