Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again NikkiB #16

I just happened to spot this from Michele in another forum (forget where). Anyway it kinda hit home for me today so I wanted to post it on my thread too.

"Working on your marriage means making the decision to be there in spirit, not necessarily to be head over heels in love when you start, but to invest yourself fully. Working on your marriage means giving of yourself completely, putting your spouse's needs before your own- and vise versa. It means quitting the game of keeping score. It means forgiving and letting go. Working on your marriage means focusing on people's strengths and downplaying their shortcomings. It means not expecting to have all or even the majority of your needs satisfied by one person. It means vowing to have a full and satisfying life of your own so that you don't blame your spouse unfairly about your unhappiness. It means appreciating the little things and overlooking life's annoyances. It means recognizing that no one, not even you or me, is perfect."

I am still kind of processing it... but it hit home because I feel myself putting up walls to protect myself, acting in ways I'm not happy with because of letting the insecurity creep in, those kinds of things. It was subtle and now I can see it crept in slowly, but I was doing things to sabotage some of the progress we were making and I need to cut it out.

I realize that first and foremost I need to give H the freedom to make his own choice - that part's sunk in. But beyond that I think that this whole message is really important. It doesn't matter that H isn't in the same place right now. I am still going forward with changing my focus back to myself and taking care of myself better again - no worries there! I just think the message here about keeping score, dropping expectations, overlooking annoyances - all of those are things I've let fall by the wayside and I need to fix that.

Thanks for letting me share.

As for the PW contact... I've thought about it more and I really don't want to even consider rebuilding an R that includes accepting lies, or burying my head in the sand. I said I wasn't ready to issue an ultimatem and I'm not, but I realized that I am ready to ask for honesty (option #2) and try it out for a short time, and see if I can deal with it. I know this was suggested before and I didn't think I could do it - but having lived with the alternative, the hiding and lying, I want to give this a try. Maybe I can do it, maybe I can't (and the same for H), we'll see. Doesn't mean I'll accept the contact forever (even if he IS honest), and I will be clear on that, but I'm going to try for now as long as he's honest with me.

So depending on the outcome of "what do you mean by giving up on yourself?", and building on what OT said earlier, I'm thinking something like:

"H, I want you to know that I don't want to be a default wife anymore than you want to give up on yourself. I am open to trying this R and seeing how it works for both of us. I think I get that you are open to the same. If so, then we both need to be very clear on the fact that we are working on the M together, but if it doesn't work out and one of us leaves, that is really OK. I want an M where we are both freely choosing to be in it together, and that can only be the case if we both feel free to make other choices. We just need to be honest about what is going on. That includes your contact with PW, since I know it's still going on. I need you to be honest with me about your contact with her. If we choose to stay in this M for the long term I won't be able to accept any social contact with her, but for now I just want us to be honest with each other about everything either one of us is doing that has an impact on our relationship."

Any thoughts???

"My boundary right now is that there needs to be honesty between us with respect to your contact with PW. I will accept it, but I need you to be honest and direct about it, no half-truths, no omissions. I will have to see if this works for me over time, but that is where I am now. "

Thanks OT - shorter, more to the point - I like it.

Thanks for that quote Nicky , Its one of those things that we need to read and keep , I have it printed and it will be in my Diary.

Dave

Nikki,

OT sure does get right to the point. Well said and like it was said you sure do kinow what you need to do.

JAK

I think it still needs to be said that if you both decide the M is what you want, then the OW contact needs to be discussed.

I would hate to think that making this big statement lets him think that you are going to try to tolerate him contacting her for an unlimited time. Because it's wrong.

you know?

Or maybe state that you do not agree the contact is healthy for your M, but that you understand he is not yet fully committed to being in your M and that you are willing to wait until that time comes, or if a time comes that he feels the M is not going to work.

Nikki,

I still like this part too: "H, I want you to know that I don't want to be a default wife anymore than you want to give up on yourself. I am open to trying this R and seeing how it works for both of us. I think I get that you are open to the same. If so, then we both need to be very clear on the fact that we are working on the M together, but if it doesn't work out and one of us leaves, that is really OK. I want an M where we are both freely choosing to be in it together, and that can only be the case if we both feel free to make other choices."

It might actually be two conversations, that an the PW boundary convo.

Anyway, I really wrote to reiterate that I don't think you should determine what your future boundaries will be. This is for a lot of reasons. But two quick ones. First, you really don't know. I don't if someone asked you 2 years ago if you would tolerate the current sitch, you would have said yes. Second, why not give him a chance to come to the place you would like him to be on his own, given that you are willing to tolerate contact right now?

ST and OT - thanks.

ST yeah, I will need to word it carefully. I'm not getting back into a "M of 3" situation again in the long run. I like your idea of saying I feel it is unhealthy but I'm tolerating it for now if he's honest, something like that. If I do end up bringing it up.. because I like OT's idea of giving him some time to get there on his own.

OT - oh yeah, definitely, that "default wife/give up" part is by far THE most important part to me. I agree though, it's probably two conversations rather than forcing it all into one, and the PW one might be later. After thinking about it today you're right. I know I won't live in a "M of 3" where I'm the "easier option" FOREVER, but I am willing to right now and I have no idea when "forever" is just yet.

Oh yeah.. I nearly forgot to focus on ME for a minute.

I am going swimming tonight. In the past I'd call H and see if he was going, and if so be ready to jump in the pool when he got home. Tonight I'm just going. He did happen to call on his way home and said "Hey we should go swimming" - but I was going either way. That's a good thing. It's our first 100 degree day so the pool sounds GREAT right now.

Tomorrow night I'm going out to dinner and to a street fair with one of my new friends from meetup.com. Very excited for it.

And someone started a very cool group on meetup.com, the "active professionals" group. It's basically a lot of nightlife type activities - happy hours, dancing, dinners out, comedy clubs - but it's the first one I've seen that's both really active and NOT a singles focused group. Totally excited for that and I signed up today.

YAY... getting that GALing back on track.

Nikki,
Don't ever forget this! I know that many of us ended up here because of this problem.
SD