Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again NikkiB #16

Go Nikki go! You're sounding much more composed and in charge of yourself girl! Too bad about the 100 degrees, I heard about that coming out there. Nice you have a pool to help ya out. Cool about the new meetup.com group, wish they had more where I'm at, but I keep going back to the site now and then and hoping something worthwhile has developed.

Take care of Nikki now, you have some weekend Nikki plans yet, not just following H racing or not racing (not that I wouldn't love my W to do something so considerate)?
-JDK

Thanks JDK. Yeah the pool helps a ton! A/C ran almost all night too and it was still warm in here.. whew. Supposed to be even hotter today. But that's summer in Sacramento!

Meetup is kind of it and miss - sorry you don't have much to choose from in your area.

I'm feeling more composed and in charge of me - thank you!! Feeling pretty down about my M today, though. That month or so when we were both really focusing on each other - when it felt like we were both trying - was SO wonderful but bittersweet. I just keep thinking how great things could be. And feeling like I somehow blew it and didn't give him what he needed in return during that time, and that's why he's pulling away again - can he meet my needs but I am incapable of meeting his?? I feel so strongly that we can be a great and happy couple, but I'm starting to think I'm a little crazy for feeling that. Maybe he really doesn't love me, never has, and I've just been living in fairytale land for our entire R. Doesn't change my plans for now, just thoughts that cross my mind. Posting them here to get them out of my head mostly.

I don't have anything specific planned for the weekend yet, but it'll probably be mostly centered around Father's day. My bro is coming to town Saturday and leaving Sunday - so will spend some time with him and my dad at some point. I decided to take 6/29 - 7/4 off of work, just for a break, so I'm looking forward to that and will make some plans just for me then. (oddly enough, I mentioned it to H just as an "FYI," not as "hey you should take vacation with me" - and he decided to take those days off too. Strange... I will still make plans, but I just found that kind of surprising).

Looking forward to going out w/my friend tonight, should be fun!

Nikki,

Feelings especially gut feelings are a lot stronger than passing thoughts, SO FEEL AWAY. Funny he should decide himself to take vacation at that time when not asked. Something to be sdaid for that don't you think? Have a good weekend if i don't get to talk to you before then. Make time for you!

JAK

Nikki,

I'm not convinced that H never loved you. I believe that H got caught up in temptation...as anyone can...and he's just struggling with his own ability to make himself happy. I do not believe that he really thinks the OW is a better choice, or that you are just the "easier" option.

This is just going to take time.

You know how long I had to wait. And yes, I did let H know how I felt about his contact with OW. I did not interrogate him or give him ultimatums or whatever. I just asked him what he thought was appropriate...he knew it probably was not, and I also said that my perfect scenerio would be no contact between them at all and that we could talk about anything between us. It took probably 5 months before he erased her off his phone and I'm 99% sure they have not had any contact since the beginning of Feb.

I know your H knows you want him to have nothing to do with her, so it may just be redundant to bring it up. So what your plan is, seems good to me.

Very glad to hear about your GALing plans. You know I've slacked off on that myself. it's definitely easy to just plop right back into the M routines. We don't have to go GALing crazy, but just keep a little of what we learned during the sitch a part of us, because that is the reason our WAS changed their minds. Because we were becoming the person we were when they met us...an individual person who took care of themselves and didn't lean on someone for their happiness.. and now we're even better because we've received such a learning experience thru the sitch to better our M. So definitely don't lose hold of the Nikki you became.

Nikki



These doubts are normal and I am so feeling the same way right now, stick with it , do stuff to get your PMA up and back off the expectations. I am still a little behind you in this journey but realising that it just gets harder.
You have put your own needs away , ignored your insecurities and worked so hard on your R , now they are creeping out and starting to want to be fed , puting them away now when they are so hungry and can see what they need is much harder.

Stick with it I am sure this is just a downward ride on the coaster and it will head back up soon.

Dave

Hi Nikki. Hugs. I've been following you, just haven't posted in too long. You're so smart and are doing a great job. I know the feeling of thinking you must've done something wrong or failed to meet his needs, etc., but that's not the case and you know it. That seems to happen when we're trying too hard and putting more focus on them than we should be. It sounds like you're taking steps to get where you need to be. It's not easy, but you can do it. Keep it up, girl.

Hmmm...

I thought H was pretty clear about what his problem was -- he didn't take enough time to sort out his own head, so he doesn't feel secure that he is making the right choices for himself.

Pretty arrogant of you to make that all about your actions since he got home, no?

H's head is messed up because of the pain in his life that led him to leave in the first place. Of course he is still working through that pain and still confused about how to do it.

When you make everything about you, you lose your ability for compassion. Truly. Detach, otherwise you cannot love him properly.

{{{Nikki}}}

Hope that your night was fun. I know how much you want to help your H figure this all out; I bet he knows that, too. But it may be something he has to do on his own. I think that you being there, available if he needs it, validating when he shares, and continuing to work and focus on you are the best things you can do for you both right now.

Hopefully, he will decide to try exploring your R with you soon, too; you know that he has the MC thing in the back of his mind, when he is ready.

Now, I am printing out my own advice so I can re-read it when I need it!!

Jak, CK, ST, f21, OT, Donna - thanks so much for your support and posts!!!

Had a fun night with my friend last night, so that was cool - good PMA boost (and reminder to keep venturing out on my own).

As for the rest I'm still kinda processing... I'll respond more later but for now just wanted to thank you.

Nikki,

Old timer i feel has a very valid statement here.

When i think that H is distancing and i wonder if im'e doing something wrong I have been trying to stop the thought and think how far we have come and realise that he is still working on him and if he had made all of his choices He would be #1 gone or #2 done working on him and working more on us. Right now i'll take the working on him because i know he can't give 100% to the R when he is still confused to a point. I am taking what he said about OW at face value right now, that they do not talk anymore because there is no proof of it otherwise and that is my boundry. (I won't tolerate any more contact since he has said there is nothing more). so H working on him is ok.

Can you understand what im'e saying here? Not very good at putting thought into words sometimes.

JAK